Not Everything Goes Your Way

I sit waiting for him to call me. After I didn’t remember our anniversary, I was scared to talk to him, I had to apologize but I didn’t know how.

I already have so much to tell him. Days had gone by, no new messages, calls, Skype’s, voicemails… nothing. I knew he was mad at me for not remembering, I knew just by him not getting in contact with me, but I didn’t want to say that so I denied it and said to myself that he was just busy with the band. Yeah, that sounded better.

I still hadn’t told anyone about the baby, not even my family. My dad was the closest person I had in my family, and he had no clue.

A week went by; I was lying in bed, on his side of course. Bzzzzz Bzzzzz, “What’s that?” I said out loud. I look over to see my phone, I read it, Jaime. He finally called me; I was surprised to say the least. I clicked the button and held the phone to my ear.
“Hi baby.”
“Hey.”
I could tell he was depressed.
“Look, I am so sorry for not remembering our anniversary; a lot was on my mind and still is. I have something to tell you.”
“I don’t want to hear it right now. I’m mad at you. You didn’t remember our anniversary! It’s been 5 years; do I mean anything to you? And then you were acting all weird that night, what is going on? If you don’t tell me, I’m hanging up!”
“You mean everything to me, you have no idea. I don’t think I can tell you over the phone though.”
“No! I’m done, you can’t act like nothing is wrong, obviously something is wrong, it’s seems like you don’t care anymore, about our relationship or anything. It took a week for you to apologize; do you even understand what I am saying?”
“Yes, I get it, but you don’t understand what I’m even going through.”
“Then tell me.”
“But, but I can’t.”

Click. The line goes flat, I knew I did something wrong this time. Gosh, why do I keep screwing up our relationship? Why can’t I just say it? I can tell him anything.
“Jaime, I-I-I’m preg-.”
I can’t even say it to myself. God I am so fucked up. I’ll call him again in a couple of days, and tell him… maybe.
I wake up the next day; I check my phone, blank. I call my best friend, Annabelle.
“Hey girl, what’s going on?”
“Me and Jaime got in a fight, can we go shopping or something today?”
“Oh yeah, sure. I’ll pick you up at 1 and we’ll go to the mall or something.”
“K, thanks, I really need this.”
“Anytime”

Click. I get up, shower, and get ready. By the time I’m done it’s almost 12, great I have time to think to myself.

Jaime will be home in three weeks from Warped, and I have to tell him, I can’t hold it off. He will be going on tour for five months a week after he gets back, which leaves enough time after for the baby. The baby. How am I even going to tell him?
“Surprise! I’m pregnant?”
No, no, no, that would be bad. Maybe,
“Jaime, you’re going to be a father. Congrats?”
Yeah, that might work. I hear a knock on the door, and break away my thoughts. I get the door and see Annabelle, tall, blond, blue eyes, the girl you would usually see in the movies being saved by the hero.

“Sorry, I’m early, you seemed kind of urgent on the phone.”
“No problem, I’m ready anyways.”

We walk outside and into her car. We end up doing exactly what we said, shopping. After we go to Starbucks and get coffee.
“A strawberry Frappuccino for me please.”
“That will be $5.25.”
I hand the barista my card, and she hands it back. I sit down across from Annabelle waiting for my Frappuccino.
“So what’s been going on?”
“Well, last week when Jaime was in town, I was acting super weird and preoccupied. Anyways, I ended up not remembering our anniversary. Jaime got really mad at me because of it. Yesterday morning he finally called, after a week, and we got into an argument, he asked me if I even cared about him? Of course I do, I just feel so bad now.”
“Well why were you acting weird?”
“Well, like a month ago, I went to their first show in Florida…and left being pregnant.”

It was so easy telling Annabelle, but why was it so hard telling Jaime?
“What?”
“Yeah, I found out like 3 weeks ago, so when he came, I didn’t drink, and I had morning sickness the next day. But I can’t figure out how to tell him, that’s why he got mad at me, because I couldn’t tell him.”
“Ummm, a strawberry Frappuccino, and a tall mocha?” we get up to get our drinks, and sit back down, happy little Annabelle, who could never have anything on but a smile, was in shock. I could tell.

“So when are you going to tell him? Once he knows, he’ll understand everything else, except the fact that you didn’t tell him, he may be a little furious about that.”
“I figured I would tell him in 3 weeks when he was done doing Warped.”
“I would say, tell him sooner. The sooner, the better.”

She had a point, I needed to tell him, but I just couldn’t get the words out. She drove me home and dropped me off,
“I had a great time, thanks.”
“You better tell him, bye.”

I walked up stairs and into our apartment, could it fit a baby? It had two rooms, so I guess so.

I looked around taking note of everything; then as a mental image in my mind, put baby proofing everywhere along with a baby and toys. Jaime would be sitting on the couch picking him/her up, the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen… imagined. He would be the best dad, but would he stay? That though never crossed my mind.

I told myself,
“Of course he would stay, he loves me, and our future life together, I don’t think he would ever abandon me, would he?”
I couldn’t think about that now. Two and half weeks passed and I realized, he was going to be home in less than a week.

Not for a day, but for a week, I will have to tell him. I was so scared thinking about it, I didn’t know how he was going to take it, what would happen? I had to stop worrying so I could tell him, just tell him.

For a couple of days, I cleaned the apartment to waste my time. It was spotless and Jaime would be home in two hours. What left did I have to do?

He didn’t call since the last fight we had, I felt horrible for how mad he was at me, but he had a point, I was being secretive and sneaky, nothing like a girlfriend should act… or mother.

I sat down and watched a movie, so that way my thoughts didn’t take over everything before he came. Two hours later, I heard a car pull up. My heart was beating a million miles an hour, I stood up to get ready to see him.

I listened carefully so I could tell where he was.
Steps up the stairs,
dropping a bag on the floor,
grabbing keys out of a pocket,
ratting them to the door,
silence.
He must have been turning the key. The doorknob turned and there he was, the father of my future kid.

Jaime, why didn’t I just tell him, he could take it, I could tell him anything. I looked straight at his face, not the best smile I’ve seen, or no smile at all. He looked at me and we made eye contact.

“Hi honey.”
Silence, an awkward silence, filled with tension.

“Look babe, I am so sorry.”
“I don’t want to hear how sorry you are, I want to hear the truth, or else I am walking back out of that door, and may never come back.”
I knew he was mad, but not that mad, not the chance of leaving me mad.

“Okay, I am sorry for not telling you this 2 months ago.”
Had it really been two months? That made it sound so much worse.

“I was acting weird, and wouldn’t drink, and puked, 2 weeks ago… because…”
I was so nervous, I started to cry, pushing back the tears, and I finally said it.

“Babe, I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a father.”
I fell to the floor, put my face in my hands, and couldn’t hold it anymore.

I started to bawl.