Not Everything Goes Your Way

I was counting down the days for Jaime to come home, it would be in three weeks, starting today. I’ve been mentally preparing myself to talk to him, or just see his face. It will probably take a lot in me to not punch him in the face when I see him.

Next week I have the appointment to find the sex of the baby, and that was about the only exciting thing happening soon. I was almost seven months, meaning I will be having the baby soon, and I have nothing ready. I really needed to start shopping, and getting the nursery together, and think about a baby shower. None of which made me that excited. I also decided I need to start cleaning the apartment before Jaime gets here. Maybe replace his mug I broke, but more than likely not, I mean he deserved that.

My Skype message box was getting fuller and fuller, I would hear it ring almost every hour I was home, but I would never answer, I wouldn’t even look at the screen.

Janelle must have gave Mike my new number, because two days ago he called, but I made him promise he wouldn’t give the number to Jaime until I told him it was okay, which I would never be saying. Mike just wanted to make sure I was eating, and taking care of myself and the baby. All the guys knew about my eating disorder, we were all really close. We spent most of our weekends together, all hanging out, I probably knew more about them then their own girlfriends.

The thought of Jaime cheating on me was killing me, I would think about it more than I should, but I couldn’t get passed it, I had no idea if I was going to forgive him. He wasn’t the type of guy to cheat, and I knew the longer I didn’t speak to him, the more guilty he would feel.

The next day was a drag, people had noticed lately that I was depressed, many of my co-workers would come talk to me and ask me what was going on, I always avoided the subject, I didn’t want to let people I barely knew into my life. Some of them would stop by after work and try to talk to me, I sometimes didn’t even answer the door, but mostly I would say I’m about to leave and can’t talk.

After work I started cleaning the apartment, it was a lot more work than I thought it was going to be. I had to pick up all of the things that I threw on the floor that were Jaime’s, and I needed to sweep up the mug broken on the floor. Tomorrow would be my day off, and I didn’t know what I was going to do for the day.

I woke up to my alarm clock buzzing, I must have forgotten to turn it off, but I was happy because I wanted to get up early anyway. I got ready and went out to breakfast, by myself.

That was one of the loneliest meals I have had, people walking by staring at me eating, I would glare at them to stop them from staring. I called Annabelle to go shopping with me, and she was up for it.

It was nice to take my mind off of Jaime, and get back to the real world.

We went to a lot of baby shops, I picked up little things like a couple of blankets, and bottles, and I was waiting to know the sex for the rest. I also looked at cribs and strollers but didn’t decide on any.

Annabelle wanted to go get some clothes too, so I agreed. That wasn’t as fun because I would compare myself to all of the other women and clothes, everyone was so much smaller than me, and I hated it. In a situation like this Jaime would have said something like don’t worry about it, they are all probably jealous that they aren’t pregnant and as good looking as you.

The next week went by in a blur, and it was time to go to the doctors. I was so excited for this appointment, but when I got there, I realized there wasn’t anything to look forward too.

I wanted Jaime there with me, not because he was the father, but because he was my support system, and he helped me through everything.

The nurse called me back and made me lay down on the table and pull up my shirt. The doctor came in and gave the usual questions, then started the ultra sound. I heard the baby’s heartbeat, it was so precious to think that it was going to be my child, Jaime would have loved to be part of this.

I found myself thinking about him a lot while the doctor was talking to me, just to be a part of this would have made him so happy. The doctor said the baby was healthy and then asked,

“Do you want to know?”

I said yes and took a deep breath to ready myself to find out the information. The doctor looked at the screen and back at me.

“You’re having a girl, congratulations.”

I was so happy, it was always my dream to have a girl, and buy lots of pink and do everything right by my little girl. I couldn’t wait for her to be here. I walked out the front door and grabbed my phone out of my pocket. I almost dialed Jaime’s number when I realized I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet, instead I sent Mike a text.

Hey, let Jaime know we’re having a girl, but tell him you found out from Janelle.

He replied with a,

No problem, and I started to drive home.

-

Weeks passed by and I would occasionally buy little girl things. I wondered how Jaime reacted to having a girl since Mike didn’t text me.

It was a couple days before the guys would get back, and I was sitting on the couch watching TV. The apartment was clean, and I was getting ready to paint the nursery.

I didn’t hear my phone ring the first time, but I heard it make the voicemail sound. I wondered who it could have been since no one knew my number except my family, Janelle, and Mike.

I picked it up and dialed my voicemail. The voice came on saying I have one new message and I got ready to hear the mystery message.

“Hey Han, it’s Jaime.”

I didn’t prepare myself to hear his voice again, I was a little mad at Mike because he must have gave him the number, but I understood since I never told him it was okay. I started deep breathing, not knowing what was coming next.

“I just wanted to talk to you. First off, the girl meant nothing I swear, I hated myself for hurting you like that, and words can’t explain how shitty I am feeling. I mean it when I say I love you and you are the only girl for me. Second, I hope you are doing okay, and taking care of yourself and the baby. I got the news we are having a girl, and I can’t be more excited to be a dad, I wish I was there to share these moments with you, but I will be home soon. I love you, and miss you more than you will ever know. I get it if you don’t call back, but it would be great to hear from you.”

I clicked the delete right after, it was good to hear his voice again, but I was still angry for him doing that to me, but I felt some of the anger diminishing, and almost like I was about to forgive him, but I didn’t let go of it that easy.

I was not looking forward to him coming back, because that would mean I would have to see him, which I was not ready to look at the face that kissed another girl while I was pregnant.

The day finally came when they were coming home; I asked to take this day off before they went on tour because I wanted to make sure to be home.

I was sitting around the house waiting to hear the bus come up. Finally I heard a car roll in. I got up and looked out the window and saw the bus sitting in front of our apartment.

I then saw the man, I didn’t know if I could forgive, step off. I step back from the window and hold my breath, waiting to hear him come through the door.