Scars of Your Love

It was a week later and I had already been back to school to take my first GCSE. Bolt and I still weren’t speaking but I’d bumped into him in the street the previous day. Again, he asked if we could talk but I said no. There was nothing to say. It was over. Anyway, I logged into Facebook and found a message that made my heart stop. It changed EVERYTHING. I didn’t know if I was angry or glad. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I read through the message one more time, just to be sure I wasn’t seeing things:

Dear Stella, how are you? It’s been thirteen years since I left and believe me, there is nothing I regret more that not speaking to you sooner. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to speak to me again but I hear you’re struggling a bit at the moment and I’m in town if you want someone to speak to. If not, can you just let me know if you’re okay? It may not seem it but I do care about you. Love always, mum xoxo

It took me a few minutes to get my head around things. Why was Violet in London? How did she know what was going on? After all these years, why now did she suddenly decide to get in touch? My fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what to write. If she cared, why had she left? Why hadn’t she spoken to me sooner? How could she have left her own daughter? But at the end of the day, she was my mum. She was right; I was struggling and I could do with someone to talk to. I didn’t have to forgive her – just hear what she had to say for herself. Really, things couldn’t have been easy for her either. She lost her niece and then her sister. After she left, everyone turned on her, even her best friend. She had no one. She had to start over completely. I had to see her. This could be my only chance.
Sure, we can meet up. What about Mel’s café on Garrett Street for breakfast Tuesday morning?

I sent the message quickly, before I had the chance to start dwelling on it and wimped out and then went into the kitchen to grab a bag of crisps. I still couldn’t get my head around why Violet had suddenly decided to get in touch. I didn’t even know if I wanted to speak to her. It was a bit late now though. I could not turn up on the assumption that she’s a selfish bitch that doesn’t care about me, my dad, or anyone else for that matter. Then again, she could have a reasonable excuse. And if she was a selfish bitch, why would she ask to see me again anyway? I picked up my phone and quickly called Will who came round. “Hi,” he smiled, giving me a hug.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
“I just got a message from my mum,” I said quietly.
“Seriously? Is that good?”
“Yes…no…yeah…I think so.”
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t know. I do kinda miss her. It would be nice to talk.”
“What did you say to her?”
“I said we should meet up at Mel’s Café on Tuesday. I just don’t understand why she’s suddenly decided to come back.”
“Maybe she’s realised she made a mistake.”
“I think it’s a bit late for that.”
“What, so you don’t want to speak to her?”
“Yes I want to speak to her but it doesn’t mean I’m gonna forgive her.” No, forgiving her wasn’t even a possibility. She could apologise a thousand times, still she wouldn’t be forgiven. The fact that she gave birth to me didn’t mean anything after what she’d done. I wasn’t sure what would happen but one thing I did know, was that she certainly didn’t deserve my forgiveness.

Tuesday soon came; far too soon for my liking. We were meeting at Mel’s at eleven o clock. Dad was away as usual and he didn’t know a thing about Violet coming back yet. That was yet another thing I would no-doubt end up keeping from him. I rifled through my wardrobe and ending up trying on almost everything. I ended up wearing a red off-the-shoulder top with blue skinny jeans and my black boots, worried what she might think of my usually chavvy attire. I mentally scolded myself for worrying what she thought though. I didn’t live to please her. After all these years, my attire should be the last thing, not just on my mind, but hers too. After putting on some make-up and brushing my hair into a ponytail, I put on a couple of gold and black rings and headed quickly, yet nervously towards the café. (http://www.polyvore.com/shonas_outfit_10/set?id=49291640 )

When I arrived, Violet was already there. Despite the fact that she was thirteen years older than last time I saw her, I would recognise her anywhere. I stood outside, staring at her through the window. She was sipping coffee and hadn’t noticed me yet. I wondered if she would recognise me after all these years. She didn’t look much different really: straight brown hair down to her shoulders, slim build, worried blue eyes. She was seventeen when I was born; that would make her thirty three now. She looked so young though, in black jeans, a cream chiffon blouse and simple black heels. Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door and headed towards her. She noticed me immediately and got up to give me a hug. “Ohmigod Stella, look at you; you’re all grown up,” she cried.
“Stella,” I laughed, “God, no one calls me that anymore.”
“Really, how comes?”
“I don’t know. Everyone just calls me Shona nowadays.” Violet forced a laugh but I could see that it only brought back memories. At first I felt a pang of guilt but…why should I? She’d dumped so much pain and anguish on me, now it was her turn.
“I’m gonna get another coffee. Do you want anything?”
“I’ll have a coffee too thanks.” Violet smiled and walked over to the counter.
She returned a few seconds later with two steaming cups of coffee. “Look, I know you’re angry with me and quite rightly so. Knowing your dad, I can’t imagine he’s given you many answers so ask me anything and I’ll be as honest as I can.”
“For starters, why did you leave?”
“I guessed that was coming. I was young when I had you. We should have waited. Every weekend, all my friends would be out clubbing and drinking, probably like you are now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I didn’t like being around you, but sometimes I just needed a break. And then there was your auntie. You know how close she and I were. When Shona died, her whole world was destroyed. I sat there each day, watching her go through so much pain and hurt. It was killing me as much as it was her. When she turned to drugs, I was furious but she was a lot happier than she’d been in a long while. I couldn’t bear to see her upset anymore so I went along with it. I was the only one that knew and I didn’t do anything to help her. When she died, I had never felt so guilty in my life. I hated myself so much. I had sat and watched my own sister kill herself with those drugs. You and her looked so alike and I couldn’t cope with the constant reminder. The fact that I’d killed my own sister was too much to take in. I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve your dad either. Call me paranoid, but I was scared stupid that I would make another mistake and that I’d lose you aswell. Your dad was a couple of years older and he was a much better parent than me. I trusted he would bring you up well so I left, thinking you’d all be better off without me.” We both sat in silence for a few minutes as I tried to make sense of what Violet was saying. I figured that was the reason she left but it was so different to hear it from her. I couldn’t believe she was actually here. I was worried that any minute, I would wake up to find out it was only a dream.