The Princess of Wales

“I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“I don’t like the way that sounds.” I said into the phone as I walked back from the library. After last week, I broke down and called Dr. Weiner. I felt myself having a downward spiral so I reached out to William, who made me promise him I’d call my therapist. The two of us had a video chat session and we talked about everything that’s happened in the past month.

The ‘break up’ with Zayn, the drinking and drugs. Louis. My ruined friendship. The fact that I still haven’t cleared the air with my father came up as well, with all that’s happened, my father was the last thing on my mind. Dr. Weiner assured me that I haven’t erased all the progress that I made, that almost everyone has a ‘relapse’ at some point. He said it wasn’t too late for me and If I wanted a chance at making things better then I needed to clean my act up. So, that’s what I did. It’s only been a week but I’m making progress. I haven’t gotten high once, I haven’t even had a drink. Aside from the wine Vicki and I drank when we were at her dorm studying.

I’m still sad about Zayn though and extremely guilty about what happened with Louis. I don’t think that’s gonna change any time soon. Eleanor won’t speak to me, she’s actually been avoiding me. Most nights she stays with one of her friends, not wanting to be in the same dorm with me. I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t wanna be around me neither.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Louis said on the other end. We’ve talked a few times this week. I guess we’re seeking comforted in each other, which is ironic, because the two of us caused this whole mess. “I just mean… I’m trying to remember what actually happened. Do you really think we had sex?”

“Does it matter though?” I said. “The damage is done. Zayn and Eleanor know, they both won’t speak to me. Zayn isn’t talking to you. We woke up naked in bed together, of course that was the first thing that came to mind.”

“I guess you’re right. Even if we didn’t have sex, we clearly had intentions on doing so, which is just as bad as the actual act. Have you tried talking to Zayn?”

“Last week, I called him a few times. He didn’t pick up, of course. What about you guys?”

“No.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice. “He won’t speak to me, I’m honestly afraid to try. He might bust my lip again. When we have to do stuff with the band, he avoids me. I guess it’s what I deserve.”

“And Eleanor?”

“Oh, I disgust her.”

“I’m sure I do too.” I told him. “Things will get better.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“No.” I said as I walked into my dorm. As expected, Eleanor wasn’t anywhere to be found. “But I have to tell myself that.”

“Would it of been so bad if we just forgot about it and didn’t say anything?”

“We’re not those people, Louis.” I said. “The guilt would of ate away at us eventually. They’d hate us even more than they already do for waiting so long. If this wouldn’t of happened, maybe I would of had a second chance with Zayn.”

“What are you gonna do now? Give up?”

“Yeah, I’ve given up.” I said. “I still need him to know how sorry I am for everything. I need him to know it was real for me too. But I’ve given up on being with him, he deserves better.”

“We really fucking suck.”

“We do.”

I talked to Louis for a few more minutes before hanging up. This whole not drinking thing is getting old. Now I’m just laying in bed and sulking. At least it was a bit interesting when I was drunk. It’s probably best that I lay off the alcohol anyway, drinking is what got me into this mess in the first place. I broke down and called Zayn again. I got his voicemail….yet again. I left him a message.

“Zayn, please call me back. I know I hurt you and I feel awful about it, truly awful. I never wanted any of this to happen, please, I need to explain. Please, just let me explain. I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve done. Okay, you clearly don’t wanna talk to me, I get it. I wouldn’t want to talk to me neither. Maybe I’ll try to reach you one more time.”

Now I know, I know how pathetic I sound. I know I should give up and stop trying but I can’t just let go that easily. I did some homework to pass the time before calling again a few hours later. I was already expecting to get his voicemail and I was preparing for the next message I’d leave him.

“Okay, Zayn. I know you’re just ignoring me now and I get it. This is the last time I’m calling you…before I drive back to London so we can talk face to face. Maybe it’ll be much harder to ignore me if I’m standing in front of you. I don’t want to force you to talk to me, but I can’t go on any longer without you knowing how sorry I am. I need to talk about my feelings for you, even if it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. I’m not asking for forgiveness, I just need you to know how incredibly sorry I am. I’m sorry for breaking your heart, Zayn.”

The next morning, I left school and headed for London. It was Friday and I only had one class, which I felt was okay to skip. It was nearly a four hour drive but it felt like 10. My stomach was in knots, I already knew he wouldn’t be pleased to see me. I was fully prepared to leave London in tears, but it didn’t matter, as long as he knew. That was all I cared about. When I finally arrived at his place, he didn’t answer the door. Not what I expected, I could of been his fucking mother for all he knew. I knocked, rang his bell, all before realizing his car wasn’t there. Shit.

I moved on to my next and only other option. Liam. I headed over to his flat, I didn’t have his address, but it didn’t take Benny long to find out where he lived. I wasted no time when I arrived and headed straight to his door. When he answered, he was more than shocked to see me.

“Charlotte…what are you doing here?” He asked, opening the door up so I could walk in.

“I’m sorry for just showing up here. Have you heard from Zayn?” I asked. “I really need to talk to him, but he won’t return my calls. I must’ve called a thousand times. I went over to his place and he wasn’t there.”

“I’ve heard from him, yeah.” He replied. “Umm…listen. Zayn’s not talking to anybody right now, he’s pretty broken up. He won’t even talk to Niall or Harry. He’s left London for a bit, he’s not in a good place.”

“I feel awful.” I said. “Look, Liam. I know you know what happened so I won’t get into it. I just really need to see him or just talk to him. I HAVE to talk to him. Can you just tell me where he’s at? Please, Liam.”

I watched him, he was thinking it over. I knew he didn’t wanna tell me, just by the way he hesitated. He sighed and finally spoke. “He’s in Bradford.”

“Care to give me an address?” I asked with pleading eyes.

“He’s gonna fucking kill me.” He said. “He’s staying at his families old home. Hold on, I’ll write down the address.”

“Thank you.”

“Look, Charlotte.” He said, handing me the piece of paper. “Don’t go there expecting him to just forgive you for all that’s happened. I’m just saying, don’t go in there with high hopes.”

“I’m not looking for that, Liam. I just need him to know how I feel and how sorry I am.” I said. “Thank you.”