This Could Be All I've Waited For

The next morning I realized that I had not missed the couch in the least, these past few weeks in Jack’s bunk. I both heard and felt my bones cracking as I sat up on the couch. A low groan escaped my mouth as I pulled my knees to my chest. I heard chuckles from my right and looked over to the table to find Matt, Rian, and Alex who had a spoon hanging out of his mouth. I made a face at them and Alex hopped up and came over to sit next to me carrying a jar of chunky peanut butter.

“Breakfast of kings,” I mumbled nodding towards spoonful of peanut butter that he was shoving into his mouth.

He smiled around his spoon before taking it out of his mouth and holding it out to me mumbling something about me having some. I looked down at the spoon and saw the remnants of his saliva glisten. I wrinkled my nose and pushed it away by his wrist.

“I do not want, nor need your cooties,” I told him scoffing at the thought.

Alex let out a scoff of his own, “Bitches line up for my cooties,” he joked standing up and taking his peanut butter back to his seat at the table.

There was a heavy sigh and a groan as Jack came walking in from the bunk area his hands rubbing his face. When his hands fell from his face he gave me this incredibly hopeless look that I couldn’t stand. Jack and I don’t fight. We don’t know how to fight. I’ve never been angry our upset with him about anything and nor was he for me. Knowing that I couldn’t fight with him if I tried I stood up and started pushing him towards the back lounge so that we could talk in private.

As soon as the door was shut behind me Jack was spewing words like there was no tomorrow. “Cady, we don’t fight so I don’t really know what to do here. We don’t get mad at each other it’s just not how we work but I realize that I was pretty stupid last night. I am so sorry for being obnoxious and drunk and for being slutty,” he took a breath, “I didn’t mean to get that drunk and I hardly know any of those people I was with which is probably why you’re so mad at me and I just want you to know that if I could take it back I would.”

I was chewing on the inside of my lips waiting for him to finish so when he finally took a break I decided to launch in to stop this whole nonsense. “Jack, I’m not mad it was late I was tired and cranky.”

He let out a heavy sigh of relief and wrapped his arms around me, “Thank God,” he said, “That was nerve wracking.”

I laughed into his chest and hugged him back, “Just stop being such a slut and we’ll be set,” I joked mocking him.

“Haha,” he laughed without humor, “You’re so funny,” he said pushing me away and turning me around to face the door.

“I am funny,” I countered opening the door, “and awesome, and beautiful.”

“Wow,” Alex called from his seat at the table, “someone’s conceded.”

“I was showing Jack my impression of you,” I told him as we came into the front lounge.

Alex narrowed his eyes at me and shoved another spoonful of peanut butter into his mouth. Jack and I chuckled as we sat down on the couch and Jack joined in with the conversation.

I didn’t originally plan to give in so easily. I didn’t want to tell him I wasn’t angry… and I knew that I wasn’t angry just because I was tired and cranky. I also knew that I never wanted to see that hopeless look in Jack’s eyes ever again, so if that meant being inevitably bitchy for a few days then so be it.

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I stayed out of all conversations that I didn’t have to be in. I found myself wandering off when I usually would have been glued to the group. I didn’t even attempt to look like I was interested apart from the show. Something is wrong with me. Normal people don’t just zone out and lose all interest in their friends.

Jack was just as bad, somewhere along the way he’d gotten absorbed in iPhone land. He giggled and quickly texted someone back. I couldn’t be happier that he wasn’t paying any attention to me. I was trying to keep him from noticing that I wasn’t all there. Alex, I knew that Alex had noticed that something was up with me… Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so good at observing his surroundings… it’d make my life a whole lot easier.

Somewhere along the way my train of thought landed itself in tattoos. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and I’d told myself several times that I would get one, one day. I always came to the same decision though; I’d never be able to explain a tattoo to my mom. But being on warped tour and seeing so many really awesome tattoos, I’d taken up the idea again.

“I want a tattoo,” I announced trying the thought out loud just to make sure it still sounded like a good idea; it did.

Jack looked up from the screen of his iPhone, “Yeah right,” he scoffed, “We’ve been through this before and you’d rather die than tell your mom you got a tattoo.”

I pursed my lips in thought knowing that he was right because I’d just been thinking about that not but five seconds ago. “I’m a grown ass woman and I’ll do what I want with my body,” I said deciding that I really did want a tattoo this go around.

Jack’s face morphed into a surly mask and he began imitating my mom’s voice, “You know that Jesus wouldn’t want you to deface your body for what you consider art!”

I had to admit that he did sound a lot like my momma.

“Well momma and Jesus are just going to have to deal with it,” I said knowing my mom would be attempting to ground me if she’d ever heard me say that.

I received chuckles from around the room; apparently I’m not as funny as I thought I was. Jack’s laugh was the loudest, he let his head fall against the back of the couch and one of his hands abandoned his phone to squeeze my knee.

“What would you even get?” Jack asked recovering from his fit.

I chewed on the inside of my lips. I hadn’t exactly gotten that far in this whole train of thought so I said the first sarcastic thing that came to mind, “I was thinking about getting your name on my ass,” I told him frowning a little for dramatic effect.

Jack rolled his eyes while Alex cracked up, “Har, har,” Jack pretended to laugh; “You’re hilarious.”

I laughed at Jack and he did his best to glare at me but just ended up smiling instead.

“I have an idea,” Alex spoke up.

Jack turned to him giving him a cautious look, “And what would that be?” he asked.

“All Time Low’s Bitch,” he said curving his hands in a rainbow shape before adding, “as a tramp stamp.”

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to fall off the couch, while Jack just sat there giving Alex a look that clearly read ‘what the fuck’. “That is definitely in the running,” I said still smiling after catching my breath.

Jack soon immersed himself back into his phone conversation with whoever it was he was talking with earlier and I sat and played with my hands. Soon people started to call it a night and one by one the room dwindled to me Alex Jack and Rian.

Jack stretched his arms above his head and let out a yawn, “I’m head to bed,” he said letting his arms fall to his lap, “You coming?” he asked me before checking the screen of his phone one last time.

I shook my head and wrinkled my nose trying my best not to look disgusted but more objective. “No, I think I’ll stay up a little longer,” I told him looking down to my lap.

He gave my knee one last squeeze and gave my forehead a short peck before getting up and making his way to his bunk. I sighed in relief, knowing that Jack wouldn’t be able to watch my every move and pick up that I was hiding something. However Alex was giving me curious glances from his seat at the table while I picked at my fingers.

Rian left the room next saying his goodnights while Alex hopped up from the table and came over to sit on the couch next to me.

“What’s up with you, freak?” Alex asked resting one of his ankles on his opposite knee and folding his arms over his chest.

I sighed knowing that I wasn’t going to enjoy this, “Why can’t you just pretend like you haven’t noticed?” I asked frowning.

Alex chuckled, “Because I figured if I get you to talk about all of this now, you won’t be an insufferable bitch tomorrow,” he said smiling and nudging my arm with his elbow.

I my frown deepened, “I hate you,” I told him looking away and jutting my chin in the air childishly.

Alex only laughed, “We both know you’re trying to avoid talking about this,” he said.

I hated how Alex and Jack were similar enough that Alex could read me in almost the same ways…

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said continuing to look away from him.

“You are hiding something from Jack and Jack hasn’t even noticed because he’s too busy hiding something from you,” Alex said tilting his head while observing my reaction.

I turned to look at him, “Why do you say that?” I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and pushed himself off the couch and started walking away. My hand gripped a fistful of the hem of his shirt pulling in to a stop.

“You can’t say that Jack is hiding something from me and then just get up and leave,” I insisted.

Alex loosened my grip and returned my hand to my lap, “You know that you and Jack are going to talk about you being pissed and him keeping secrets eventually right?” he asked.

I growled and leaned back in the couch, “I do believe that I hate you,” I decided.

He laughed, “Get some sleep,” he said nodding toward the couch, “We both know you aren’t going back to the bunks.”

I frowned, “Goodnight, Alex,” I grumbled.

He chuckled and mussed my hair before saying goodnight and leaving me in the front lounge alone. I found a pillow and a blanket and laid back into the couch staring at the ceiling. I knew that I was basically a lunatic for being angry and being afraid to let Jack know that I was. I didn’t have a reason to be angry. I’d seen Jack make out with several girls over the five years that I’d been going on tour with them and never once had I gotten angry about it.

I couldn’t sleep and thinking was getting to be a hassle so I imagined shapes in the patterns on the ceiling and did my best to not shift so I didn’t make a lot of noise. I was so focused on the ceiling that I wouldn’t have known that Jack had come back into the lounge if he hadn’t leaned over and blocked my line of vision.

We didn’t talk instead he lifted the corner of the blanket that was closest to the back of the couch and I scooted to the edge. He climbed over me and wrapped his arms around me. I sighed and fell asleep almost instantly.