Find Your Own Way

Hearing strangled cries from upstairs Zacky quickly ran up to see Ari thrashing around in her bed. Shaking her shoulder he willed her to wake up. “Ari, you’re having a nightmare,” he said shaking her some more. “Ari, come on, wake up.”

Snapping her eyes open Ari looked directly into Zacky’s eyes, startling him.

“It was just a nightmare,” he said hugging her. “You okay now?”

Looking around her room Ari stayed quiet. The nightmare had effectively shaken her. And she didn’t have anymore drugs. Jamie wasn’t talking to her anymore. She had no one.

“Ari?” Zacky asked quietly searching her eyes.

Biting her lip Ari just shook her head. Why did she come back? She should have found shelter with people that could cater to her needs.

“You wanna talk about it?” Zacky suggested sitting down.

“It was just a nightmare,” Ari whispered her voice soft, broken. “What are you doing here?”

Sighing Zacky watched her closely for a minute. “They’re at the hospital, your brother is being born.”

“Oh,” Ari said biting her lip again. “A baby brother?” Looking into Zacky’s eyes she smiled a little. She was going to be a sister. “You know that I’m no good for him,” she whispered looking back down at her lap.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she thought of her new sibling. She would be a horrible sister. He didn’t need her. No one did. She didn’t need herself.

Taking a deep breath Zacky hugged her to him. “You would be a great sister, you just need to help yourself,” he said pulling her onto his lap. “You know we’d help you if you asked.”

Silently crying Ari shook her head. They couldn’t help her. She couldn’t help herself. She was at rock bottom and the only thing to do was count the stones.

“When we went through this before we had two people that we really cared about,” Zacky told her. “We found Jimmy with a needle in his arm,” he whispered recalling the memory. Taking another deep breath he continued, “We brought him home and when he woke up we were all ready to bring him to rehab, he was quiet for a while as we drove but he knew that this was the right thing.”

Looking up Arianna wondered why on earth he was telling her these things. And then she realized, they would want her to go.

“Max was--” he started but Arianna cut him off.

“Tell me the story from the beginning,” she said surprising him. “I just, I don’t understand why she meant so much to you all.”

Nodding Zacky watched as she stared back at him. She was ready for this.

“The day she came to us was not what we were expecting,” he started. “The first thing we heard out of her mouth was her telling off Jimmy, she was really harsh. She told him that he wasn’t her father, just a guardian.”

Nodding for him to continue she scratched at her arms. She really wanted some drugs.

“After she was done screaming at him she introduced herself to us. Your dad was so mad, he demanded for her to apologize. She laughed at him and told him to fuck off. We decided it’d be best to leave her alone so we went inside and about an hour later she came in too. When we offered her a drink she asked for some Jack Daniels. The girls came over and Max wasn’t snippy, she just grumbled ‘cause your dad and Jimmy didn’t get her what she wanted when they went into the kitchen.

“She came back with a bottle of Jack and she took a large gulp, we couldn’t believe it, she didn’t give anything away, like she had been drinking it all her life. Jimmy was livid, he screamed at her to put it back and she just kept drinking it. She chugged down a lot before she actually started giving away the effect of it, and then she just said that she didn’t like hypocrites.

She put it away though and came back in asking to see her room. Jimmy decided that it’d be a good time to have a talk and she just started laughing and she started rapping.” Zacky stopped and smiled a bit remembering the encounter. “I joined her for the song and we ended up staring at each other.

I asked her what was wrong and her eyes filled with tears before she screamed. It shocked us. She ran into the bathroom with her bag she came back and she was calmer. So we started asking questions.

She started drinking when she was thirteen, Jimmy freaked out asking why her mom would let her do that. She did it behind her moms back. She did it because she was told that Jimmy loved it and that’s why he left her. She found out about the band and the minute she saw a picture of Jimmy she apparently was incredibly angry. She wanted him to like her so she started drinking and then she stopped caring, she drowned out her life with alcohol.

Val asked why she continued when she finally had him, when he was showing that he cared. She just told us that she’d rather be taking care of her self, that we’d still be nothing.

Brian freaked out at her. He yelled at her and Jimmy just told him to sit down. We ended up going through her bag. She wasn’t happy but she let us.

There was a bandana with blood on it. She wouldn’t admit to cutting when we asked but asked if there was any other questions. Brian flipped out some more and she took out a clutch. Thinking back it probably had her drugs in it.

Jimmy figured it’d be a good time to show her to her room and when she stood up and she only stumbled a little. Brian called her out. She just laughed and told us that it’d take a lot more than that to knock her off her feet. We suspected her habit but we prayed it wasn’t true.

The next day we were eating dinner when we asked about her hobbies. She liked to ride dirt bikes. Johnny was so excited he asked her about tricks. She just told him she’d have to show him later when she got a new bike.”

Arianna interrupted him and told him that she had already heard this story from Johnny. Zacky smiled and nodded.

“We met Dan that night. He was very polite. Jimmy immediately tried to tell him that if he hurt her he’d hurt him and Max just snapped at him. Dan chilled her out though.

A little while later she comes zooming past us in the backyard on a new dirt bike. She hails Johnny over and they fly away. When they came back Johnny was hugging the ground.

The next day she came outside and joined me for a cigarette. I couldn’t help myself when I asked her why she gave him a hard time, I even asked why she didn’t refer to him as dad. She was angry because he left her before she was even born and she didn’t think she had a dad. After that she left on her dirt bike.

Later she came down and asked if she could go on tour with him. Jimmy’s argument was pretty pointless. He didn’t want her getting drunk, playing with drugs, and all the other things one would get up to on tour. Max countered that he drank to access when he was her age. That he himself did drugs. She called him a hypocrite, stupid, and then told him he needed to get laid before she went and grabbed a new bottle of Jack.

She got so drunk. She started ranting about running away and if we followed her she’d commit suicide. We were stumped, horrified. She was out of control. Not soon after she had gone up she came back down and her friend, dealer really, was at the door.

When she came downstairs again her nose was bleeding. Matt tried to help her but she just hit him square in the face.

After a while she wasn’t having such a good time. Dan brought her back upstairs and when got came back down we had to pull it out of him. We weren’t expecting him to tell us that she moved on from coke to heroin. I think that was when our world shifted and not in a good way.” Zacky looked down at Ari and she was still paying close attention. Picking up her arm he lightly ran his finger over her track marks.

“Later when Jimmy had left the room I brought up the question of him relapsing. No one really wanted to think that way. Your dad was so pissed at me for bringing it up. We were so afraid, we didn’t know what to do. It was a horrible time for us.

The next day Jimmy and Max went out together and when they came back it was as if they were best friends. They were high. We didn’t know it at the time. Brian was pissed though that they were together, confused really. Max just told him off once more and that was it.

A while later with Jimmy all hyped on drugs he let her go on tour with Dan. When he got home from bringing her to the airport we had already gone through the house. We didn’t find anything. And he was high again.

Time passed and Jimmy got worse. Brian confronted him and he just broke down. We had a band meeting and Jimmy had passed out but when he woke up he was scared. He didn’t want to go through detox. We made him though and it was one of the worst things we had to go through. He begged and begged and he threatened to knock down the door.

A time later Max ended up calling wanting to come back. The first thing she wanted was to see Jimmy. I was so shocked to see her, angry even. She was the reason he was in this place. They had a small fight and she left.

We ended up going to IHOP the next day and Jimmy ended up going for a walk in the park. We don’t know how but he got them but when we found him he was pale and he still had the needle in his arm. I almost threw up. I honestly thought he was dead for a minute. I already told you that part though.

I don’t know how short shit did it but Max ended up at the police station where she was handed back to us. We took her to rehab from there.

They had a month left. Jimmy was writing again. He was excited to finish rehab and start playing again.

We went out partying after when we got a call from the center. We got there as fast as we could. When we got there we were all sobered up. We had no clue what was happening. She left letters; one for Johnny, one for your dad, one for Dan, and one for Jimmy.

Your dad was beside himself. He had seen her earlier and she had been fine. He had bolted out of the room, he just couldn’t believe it.

The next day we joined Jimmy in his counseling session. The minute the doctor told him that he had bad news he knew he wouldn’t be seeing Max. When he broke the news Jimmy just broke. He couldn’t believe it.

We all gave him hugs and the doctor told him that the funeral arrangements were being handled by the facility and that he’d be let out for the day.”

Taking a deep breath Zacky looked down at Ari who was still hanging on each word he said. He couldn’t tell if she was understanding or if she was praying some miracle would happen and drugs would fall on her lap.

“The day of the funeral Jimmy could barely walk down the aisle. It was heartbreaking seeing her casket. Dan ended up saying a few words before his band played a new song they wrote for her. When it was finally time to say goodbye Jimmy read her letter. He was so heart broken. We all were.”

“But why did she kill herself?” Ari finally asked.

Squeezing his eyes shut Zacky bit back a sob. Jimmy had never told any of the guys. “We never knew it but Jimmy always carried the letter with him. A week or so before he died he left his jacket at my house. I didn’t touch it for the longest time. And when I did the letter fell out,” Zacky admitted. Looking down at Ari she nodded waiting for him to continue. “Jimmy never let any of us read it, he never told us what it said,” he paused and took a deep breath. “She apologized, a lot, and it was the only way she thought she could make it up to him. The one last thing she’d do that would hurt him. She had spent the entire time with us refusing to call him dad, refusing to have his last name, and she signed it as a Sullivan.”

Noticing the tears crawling down her uncles face Arianna just sat still unsure of what to do.

“You didn’t get a letter?” she asked quietly.

Zacky shook his head. “We didn’t connect really.”

“What about dad’s letter? What did that say?”

Thinking back to the time when Brian showed the guys his letter. He had been drunk and they had for some forgotten reason started talking about Max.

“She apologized to him and told him that he had a warm heart,” Zacky admitted giving Ari a tight squeeze. “Do you understand now?”

“I,” she paused and looked up to her uncle. “She put you guys through hell but you still hold her close to your hearts.”

Zacky nodded kissing her forehead. “Get some sleep Ari, you look like hell.”

Setting her beside him and throwing the covers over her Zacky watched as she slowly drifted to sleep. She finally understood and that’s all he wanted.