Find Your Own Way

Staring at the hideous yellow wall Ari frowned. She’d been here for a week now. She’d gotten letters from everyone in the family. She didn’t open them though. She wasn’t ready and she knew it.

Hearing a soft knock on the door she looked up to see Peggy poking her head in. “Group starts in five, you want me to walk you down?”

“Sure,” Ari said quietly.

Group always sucked. Everyone would just talk about how much they wanted some drugs. The only time she liked it was when the counselor got punched. That had been funny.

Sitting in a chair closest to the hall Ari looked around and noticed a new girl. By her shaking she must have only been here a couple days.

“Everyone I’d like you all to meet Sarah, why don’t we go around and you can introduce yourselves to her,” the counselor said smiling. “How about you start Kevin.”

Taking a deep breath Ari sighed. She didn’t want to be here. And soon it’d be her turn. The group was small. Seven, now eight, people in a circle.

“I’m Max,” a young boy said with a laugh in his voice. “I’m twenty and I’ve been in here a month.” Ari didn’t really like Max. Mostly because of his name but also because he treated everyone as if he was the best.

“I’m Ari,” she whispered looking at the floor. “I’m seventeen and I’ve been in here about a week.”

“I’m Ryan, I’m thirty four, I’ve been in here two months now,” Ryan said. He was in fact the oldest. He was also a bit perverted. No one really liked him.

“Alright good, Sarah do you want to say anything before we get started?” the counselor asked hopefully.

“Um, I’m nineteen, I didn’t really want to come, but I didn’t have a choice,” she said looking in the distance.

“Nice to meet you Sarah,” a few people in the group said. Ari sat quietly waiting for the hour to be up.

“Alright Sarah, usually we pick someone in the group to share how they’re feeling and let them talk a little. So, how about… Ari, you haven’t gone yet,” the counselor spoke making Ari cringe. She didn’t want to share anything with these people. “How are you today?”

Glaring at the counselor Ari pressed her lips in a tight line. Usually the people chosen would talk but Ari was new and didn’t have anything to say.

“Okay then, Max how about you talk?”

Hearing the kid sigh Ari bit her lip. All she wanted to do was scream. She hated his voice, she hated how he took breaths after every sentence, and she could not stand for the life of her how he would bite his fingernails.

Pushing her chair back Ari left the group and ran towards her room. How was she going to last three months? She was barely lasting a week.



“Ari you can’t run away from group,” David, her own personal counselor, said. “Want to talk about it?”

Glaring at her counselor Ari shook her head. She hadn’t really said much in the week that she had been here.

“I see you still haven’t opened those letters,” David said. “You know they might make you feel better.”

“Feel better about what? The things I said to them, the way I left them for months to worry if I was alive or dead? No, I don’t think they’ll make me feel better at all,” Ari spat.

Nodding David smiled. He hadn’t expected her to say anything. “If you want we can read them together,” he suggested.

Narrowing her eyes at the man she shook her head. When she did finally open the letters she wanted to be alone, she didn’t need anyone seeing her cry.

“Peggy said that your appetite is starting to pick up a bit,” he tried. “What’s your favorite meal?”

“A good measurement of heroin,” she laughed bitterly. “I don’t think you’ll be letting me have that here.”

“No we aren’t,” David replied. “You know in two weeks your parents are coming in to meet with me about your progress.”

“That’s nice,” she muttered scratching at her arm

“Ari I want to be able to tell them that you’re doing great, I want to be able to tell them that you miss them,” he told her searching her eyes for any emotion. She was definitely one of his toughest patients. “Why don’t you open up? Tell me why you started doing drugs?”

Sighing Ari just closed her eyes. It was so stupid; the reason she started.

“Come on Ari, tell me how you’re feeling,” David said sighing. “We can’t help you if you don’t talk.”

Opening her eyes up she turned to stare at him. “What do you want me to say Doc? My life sucked? I got hit as a child? My life was as close to perfect as it could be. I never got hit because my mom didn’t believe in that and my father was on tour most of the time. So why don’t I open up? Because nothing you can say is going to make me feel better, nothing you can do will make me feel any less guilty.”

Nodding David encouraged her to continue.

“Why did I start taking drugs? I don’t know maybe I wanted my dad to be there for me more? Maybe I was tired of being such a good daughter? You’re the one with the degree, you tell me why I’m so fucked up.”

“You’re right. Nothing I can say or do will make you feel better. But the guilt Ari, you need to let that go. And I’ll help you,” David said handing her a tissue. She hadn’t even realized tears were streaming down her face. “You’re a strong young woman Ari. Your parents will be proud of you.”

“Proud of me for what? Landing myself in rehab because I’m in love with all the wrong things?” She laughed and shook her head. “Yeah I’m sure they’ll be so proud.”

Nodding David looked down at his watch. Dinner would be served soon. “Come on, dinner’s going to be ready soon.”

Getting up Ari slowly followed behind the doctor. She felt a little better getting that off her chest but she still had the guilt, how he thought she’d be able to let that go was out of her head. At least she wouldn’t have to talk to him until tomorrow.



Sitting down by herself in the corner Ari pushed around the food on her plate. Truthfully she hadn’t been eating much like everyone thought. She just secretively placed the food in a napkin when no one was looking.

“Can I sit here,” a soft voice said breaking her from her thoughts.

Looking up she saw the new girl, Sarah, standing there with a tray. “Sure,” she said looking back down to her food.

“I’m Sarah,” she said taking a seat and rubbing her arms. “You’re Ari right?”

Ari nodded. She didn’t really want to talk but if Sarah did then she was all ears.

“What was it your in here for, if I may ask?”

“Heroin mostly,” Ari spoke. “I did all kinds of drugs though. You?”

“Coke,” Sarah said. “I wasn’t real bad though. My dad just got sick of me though. That and my boyfriend overdosed in my bedroom…”

Looking up Ari stared at the girl. Why the fuck was she telling her all this? She didn’t need to know any of it. Shaking her head Ari looked over to the staff table and caught the eye of Peggy.

Sighing when the older woman walked over she couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

“Ari, you aren’t eating much,” Peggy said pointing out the obvious. “Did you want to go back to your room?”

Nodding Ari pushed her tray in the middle of the table and got up. She was done listening to Sarah, she was done pretending to eat, she just wanted to go to her room and curl up in a ball on her bed.

“Alright, come on,” Peggy said putting her hand on the small of her back and guiding her through the cafeteria. “So I noticed Sarah talking to you, what’d she have to say?”

Ari bit back a laugh, “That she likes coke, she wasn’t horribly addicted, and her boyfriend overdosed in her bedroom.”

Nodding Peggy opened her door for her. “She just wants a friend, good night Ari.”

Ari rolled her eyes and flicked on her light. She didn’t want any friends, she just wanted to get through her time here and get out.

Curling up in a ball on her bed she stared at the stack of letters. She knew that three of them were from her parents, she had one each from Matt, Johnny, and Zacky. And then there was the one from Dan. She hadn’t expected that.

Tentatively reaching for one she noticed it was the one from Johnny. Staring at it for a moment she slowly ripped it open.

Ari, I hope you’re doing good. That sounds lame. Yeah anyways the night you agreed to go to rehab I told you dad about that time up in Big Bear. He’s not too happy with me. I just want you to know that I’m proud of you. And if you ever want to talk I’ll always listen. I’ll be in to visit when I can. You can get through it Ari, I know you can. Love you kid.

Reading it over once more Ari fought back a sob. He wasn’t mad at her, he didn’t hate her… Crushing the paper into a small ball she threw it across the room. It would be so much easier if he had just picked out all her flaws, she could agree with that much easier. But at least she had read one letter, now she just had six to go.