Find Your Own Way

Sitting across from Sarah, Ari couldn’t help but bounce her leg up and down. Today was the day. She was finally allowed visitors.

“Nervous?” Sarah asked.

Ari just nodded and continued to stare at the clock. Two hours, that’s all she had. Lunch would be over in ten minutes, then she‘d have group, after group she’d be in her room for half an hour before David would come and talk to her, and then he would bring her to the conference room.

“It’ll be fine,” Sarah said biting her lip. “Nothing to be nervous about.”

Shrugging Ari turned to Sarah. They had talked some more since she first got here. She wasn’t too annoying anymore. Ari still wondered what happened with her boyfriend, Sarah never really said.

“Time for group,” Ari said getting up from her table and rushing from the room. She wanted time to fly and sadly it didn’t do that in here.

“Alright guys, settle down. Ari, you get to have visitors today, excited?” the counselor asked giving Max a disapproving look when he rolled his eyes.

“Nervous really,” Ari said softly. “A little excited I guess.”

“Why are you nervous?” Ryan, one of the kids in the group, asked.

“I haven’t seen them in a month, and before I,” Ari paused and looked to the counselor. “My parents might be bringing my baby brother with them,” she admitted and the guilt in her voice was heavy.

“So? What’s the problem with that?” Max asked staring at her.

Sighing Arianna looked at the floor. “The night before I agreed to come I yelled at him. He had only been back from the hospital for a few days. He was crying and I was dope sick, I…” she trailed off and bit her lip. “I know he won’t remember it but I told him that I wished he had been stillborn.”

Silence enveloped the group. The counselor was the first to speak. “Ari, you’re getting help now and that’s all that matters.”

Shrugging Ari closed her eyes tight trying to keep the tears at bay. She was horrible and she didn’t deserve to have a brother. She didn’t deserve to have any family or friends.

“Okay Sarah, you haven’t said anything the last few times, what’s going on in your mind today?”

Picking her head up Sarah frowned. “Just thinking of my boyfriend.”

“He gonna come visit ya?” Max asked once again speaking out of turn.

“No,” Sarah said and tears sprang to her own eyes. “He died.”

More silence filled the air around the group. Ari continued to look at the clock and sighed. The minute hand had to be going backwards.

“Love is watching someone die,” Sarah whispered finally letting her tears fall.



Sitting in her room Ari took the letters in her lap. Group got out early and now she had forty minutes before David would be here.

Opening the one from Zacky she bit her lip. What would it say?

I’m proud of you Ari. I’m glad we had that talk. I’ll be seeing you as soon as I can. Stay strong. Short and to the point. But he’d come, he’d be here. He was proud of her.

Opening up Matt’s she took a deep breath before she read it.

Ari. We love you. You may be doubting that but don’t. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you. Please get some meat on your bones. -M

They care. They don’t hate her. Was this real? Setting aside the letters from her parents she picked up Dan’s. He would have to hate her.

Taking out the paper she realized there were too separate pieces. One of them was quite a bit yellow-er, older, than the other.

Reading over the newer paper she took a deep breath.

I’m not going to tell you that I’m proud or anything, although I am. And you know I care. I’m glad you’re doing this Arianna. It may come as a surprise to you but I’ll come and see you. The band is on break right now working on a new album. I’m thinking of putting that song I played for you all that time ago on it. We’ll see. Enclosed is the letter I received from Max when she was in rehab. I know all the guys have been sharing her with you, trying to get you to understand, I hope this helps.

I’ll never be able to say sorry enough to you. Never. You were my first and only love, and I hope you’ll never forget me. I still love you and wish I could keep going but I just can’t, I fucked up way too many times to have another chance. Keep the band going, keep touching people’s hearts, and keep on loving Dan.

P.S. On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

She deserved another chance. And so do you. Please stay strong and don’t… You’ve touched my heart Arianna. I’ll be seeing you. -D Love

Feeling tears run down her face Ari took a deep breath. She understood a month ago, when her and Zacky had talked, why Max had impacted them so much. And now she understood even more, felt closer to who Max was even, but she wouldn’t do anything to harm herself. She couldn’t do that to her family.

“You ready Ari?” David asked when she set the letter aside. He’d watched her when she first started reading. It looked like she had read all but the letters from her parents.

“Whose here?” she asked getting up.

“A bunch of people. I told your parents that it’d be best to only have two people see you at a time but since you’ve been doing so good recently I figured I’d leave it up to you how many people you want to see at a time,” David explained holding her door open for her.

“Umm, who exactly is here?”

Smiling David grabbed a clipboard from the admissions desk. “Your parents, Zack Baker, Matt and Val Sanders, and Johnny Seward.”

Thinking for a minute she smiled a little when she heard a bunch of people in the waiting room. When she was in the conference room they’d be allowed in.

“I guess send them all in,” she said softly. Sitting with her back to the door she looked up at David.

“Your sure?” he asked handing her a cup of water. “I don’t want to overwhelm you Ari.”

“Just,” she paused feeling tears prick her eyes. “I don’t think I could handle any hugs right now. Oh god, David,” she whispered her voice breaking. Her nerves rushed through her and the memories of everything she had done popped up one by one. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Sitting down beside her David held her hand. “You’ll do fine. I’ll tell them that you aren’t comfortable with physical contact right now. You can still have them come in in small groups if you want.”

Taking deep breaths Ari bit her lip. “Can you send in my Aunt Val first? I… just her.”

“Of course,” David said getting up. “They all love you Arianna. They aren’t going to yell or anything. And if they did you know Jack would be in here faster than a rabbit.”

A smile broke through her tears as she watched David leave the room. She could do this.

“Everyone,” David greeted with a smile on his face.

“We can see her right?” Zacky asked quickly.

“You can,” David nodded. “She just has one request. No hugging or touching her. I know you all want to hold her but she isn’t ready for that yet. Now she asked if Val could come in first.”

“Just me?” Val asked surprised. They hadn’t talked much in the months of her addiction building. “She’s sure?”

David nodded and opened the door for her. “I’ll be back shortly and we can all talk while they’re visiting,” David said before shutting the door and guiding Val to the conference room. “Remember no physical contact.”

Val nodded catching sight of the young girl through the small window. Her back was to the door and her head was resting on the table. She appeared healthier though.

“Hey,” Val said quietly coming into the room. Sending David a small smile she went and sat in the chair next to Ari. She wanted so badly to just reach out and touch her but she had to respect her wishes. “A month, you’re doing so good.”

Picking her head up Ari bit her lip. She was having trouble keeping the tears at bay. “Auntie,” she whispered.

“We don’t hate you Ari, we love you,” Val said fighting the urge to just hold her. “How’re you feeling?”

“How do you not hate me? After everything I did to you guys,” she whispered bowing her head again. “I didn’t want to see them yet. I don’t know if I can.”

“We don’t hate you because you’re family and you were just having a hard time. Why don’t you think you can see them? You’re seeing me,” Val said handing her the tissue box from the table.

“You weren’t there, you never had to see me when,” she paused and shook her head. “I was so horrible to them.”

“They forgive you,” Val said. “They’re dying to see you. Zacky was afraid when your doctor came in that you had refused to see any of us.”

“I’m just afraid, maybe see you guys one at a time?” Ari suggested shrugging her shoulders. “How’re you?”

Laughing Val pushed her shoulder a little. Eyes widening when she realized what she did she sighed. Arianna withdrew in herself again scooting away from Val.

“I’m so sorry Ari, I forgot, I didn’t,” Val stammered. “I… Want me to send someone else in?”

Ari nodded and bowed her head. Why couldn’t see stand their touch? She let David and Peggy hold her hand or hug her all the time. Hearing her aunt leave the room she sobbed. Val was the easiest one of them to see and… Why did she have to touch her?

Walking into the waiting room Val bit back her own sob. She was doing so good at remembering and then it flew right out of her mind.

“I’ll be right back, I can see something happened,” David said getting up and running towards the conference room. “Arianna?” he called not seeing her at the table. Finding her near the trash can he sighed. “What happened?”

Sobbing even more Ari shook her head. “I don’t get it. I let you and Peggy touch me all the time! She just touched me once and I couldn’t, I… David why am I like this?” Heaving once more into the trash can she wiped furiously at her eyes. “They’re my family. They should be allowed to touch me but I can’t even stand it.”

Hugging her to him David sighed. “Ari, how long was it before you went back and saw them, before you agreed to come here? You haven’t really seen them in months. I don’t think you trust yourself not to hurt them. We can work on that though. Now do you want to see someone else or are you done for the day?”

Nodding against his chest Ari bit her lip. Her sobs finally subsided and now she had to choose.

“No one is going to feel any different if you don’t want them coming back today, they’ll understand,” David said. “We’re in there talking and they just want you to be comfortable.”

Taking a deep breath Ari pulled herself away from her counselor. Seeing a wet spot on his shirt she bit back a smile. It wasn’t the first time she had cried into his chest.

“Zacky, I wanna see Zacky,” Ari whispered.

“Alright, I’ll send him back,” David said pulling her chair out for her again. “I’m proud of you Ari, we all are.”

Nodding Ari waited for him to leave before resting her head once more on the table. How would she react if Zacky touched her? She sighed wondering what David and her family was talking about.