Find Your Own Way

Knocking lightly on her door David smiled when he gained her attention. Yesterday had been so emotionally trying on her he was honestly a bit surprised to see her smiling, even if it was just a small one.

“How are you today?” he asked taking a seat next to her on the bed. Ari shrugged.

“Alright,” she said playing with the hem of her shirt. “Do I have to do group today?”

“Why don’t you want to?” David asked checking his watch. “Is it because of Max?”

“He’s such a dick. I hate him,” she muttered lifting her gaze to meet David’s. “Please, just today, I’ll go tomorrow.”

David sighed. “That’ll just mean you get to talk to me more, lesser of the two evils maybe,” he laughed. “Your dad is in the waiting room along with your friend Dan.”

“He is?” she asked surprised. “I thought I told you to call and tell them not to bother.”

“You did but they insisted, in case you changed your mind,” he explained. “They really do love you Arianna. They really want to see you too. Your mom is at home though with James. So what happened between last week and now? You were begging to see them.”

“I know,” Ari whispered. “I just got to thinking, and you know, I hurt them so bad. I don’t understand how they can forgive me for it.”

“Because you’re their daughter and they love you,” David said. “Ari, you need to forgive yourself as well you know.”

Bowing her head she shrugged again. Forgive herself? Maybe when she was dead. “When can I accept visitors?” she asked biting her lip.

“In an hour after we’re all done talking,” David smiled. “If you want I can be in the room with you when you guys reunite.”

“Wouldn’t that make things more awkward?” Ari said. “I just. I want to see him I’m just so… He’s going to want to hug me, want all the answers, I can’t give him that.”

“He understand that Ari, he does. You just have to give him a chance,” David replied. “What do you think he’s going to ask you?”

“Why I did everything I did, where did I go, what made me decide to come back,” Ari listed off.

“And?”

“I wanted some excitement in my life, I stayed with Jamie and I stayed on the streets, and I came back because Jamie was being a dick,” Ari said taking a deep breath. “He doesn’t want to hear that, he doesn’t need to.”

“And you think it’s fair for you to be the judge of that? Ari, I really would like you to see him today. I think you’ll be surprised with how it goes,” David said. “But you know I can’t force you to see him.”

Wiping away tears she hadn’t realize fell Ari bit back a sob. This would be so much easier if she were high. But here she was in rehab, no drugs allowed.

“What would you like to happen when you guys finally see each other again?” David asked handing her the box of tissues next to him.

“I don’t know. No tears, but that’s inevitable. No yelling,” she whispered. “I want to be able to look in his eyes and not see what I put him through.”

“Okay,” David replied. “He isn’t going to yell at you Ari. And even though you don’t want to see that, that too is inevitable. And if you wait until you get out that look will still be there. While you’re in here we’ll be able to help you cope with that.”

Sighing Ari rubbed her eyes. Was this really it? See him now or put it off until the last minute? “I want you there but at the same time I don’t,” she admitted.

“The mirror is double sided, I could sit on the other side and be there in seconds if you needed me to be,” David told her. “So what do you say?”

“Has it been an hour?” Ari smiled. David looked down to his watch and pulled a face.

“Close enough,” he laughed. “So you’ll see him?”

“Just remind him of the no hugging rule,” she whispered getting up. “And can I get a cigarette?”



Taking a deep breath Brian stared through the glass in the door at his daughter. There she was. She looked so much better than she had a month ago.

Watching her light up a cigarette he felt his emotions threaten to bubble over. He was finally going to see her. Thinking back to the last time he saw her he bit his lip. She had been so strung out. And now she was sitting there, not slumped over, not clawing at her skin.

Pushing open the door he put on a brave face. He had to keep his emotions in check, for her.

“Sweets,” he breathed watching as she turned to him. “You look great. I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered kneeling in front of her. “How are you?”

Biting her own lip Ari stared at her father. His eyes betrayed no emotion. And he missed her. “Oh daddy,” Ari replied her tears spilling over. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay Sweets, it’s okay,” he said lifting his hand to wipe away her tears before remembering she didn’t want that. “I’m sorry too.” Furrowing her eyebrows she watched as a smile tugged on his lips. “I wasn’t there for you, I should’ve always been there.”

Shaking her head Ari opened her mouth to speak. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated. Searching his eyes for something, anything, she smiled at what she found.

His unconditional love.

“Daddy,” she said her voice breaking. Throwing her arms around his neck she sobbed. “Daddy.”

“I’m here Sweets, I’m here.”

“I was so bad, I hated you guys, I yelled at James, and,” she sputtered. “Why do you love me? After everything? I don’t deserve it.”

Hearing her break like this broke his own heart even more. The shattered pieces laying in the pit of his stomach were crushed into dust. Swallowing the lump in his throat he pushed the hair out her face and kissed her forehead.

“You’re my daughter. And even though you think you hated me, us, you didn’t, the drugs did. And yes you yelled at James, it’s okay. He forgives you,” Brian smiled a little. “And you do deserve this Ari, you deserve anything I can offer you. And you want to know why?”

Ari nodded still searching his eyes.

“Because when you were born you brought me the world. You gave me someone I could love until my last breath. You put a permanent smile on my face,” he explained. “I love you Ari. I always will. Your mother loves you too.”

“I love you guys,” Ari cried wiping away some of her tears. “I’m still sorry.”

“I know Sweets,” Brian replied once again kissing her forehead. “And I, we, still forgive you.”



Latching herself to Dan when he walked through the door Ari smiled bright. She no longer had a crush on him but he definitely was going to be her best friend, no matter what.

“Hey there,” Dan laughed hugging her back. “You gonna let me get a look of you?”

Laughing Ari detached herself and sat back down in her chair. She still couldn’t believe Dan actually came, actually wanted anything to do with her, but he did, and that went a long ways with her.

“Lookin’ good,” he commented taking a seat. “Two more months is it?”

Ari nodded. “This month we’re going to start getting me ready to go back into the real world,” she explained. “Still have a long way to go though.”

“I see,” Dan replied. “You get my letter?”

“Yeah,” she replied looking down at her hands. Did he want Max’s back?

“I decided to put the song on it,” he told her smiling. “If you want I can play you the whole thing, my guitar is at reception.”

Ari brought her gaze back up and smiled. Would he really play it for her?

“I’ll be right back then,” he said getting up and leaving the room for a bit. Coming back Dan smiled brightly at Ari. She didn’t know it but it was because of her that he was even going to put the song on the new record. “Alright, you ready?”

Ari nodded and watched intently as he started playing the song.

“Love of mine some day you will die but I’ll be close behind,” he sang. “I’ll follow you into the dark.

“No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white just our hands clasped so tight,” he continued.

Listening to the lyrics Ari bit her lip. She didn’t want to cry, not for this song, but it brought back memories of before. Before she got so bad, before she did everything she had done.

“The time for sleep is now it’s nothing to cry about,” Dan sang smiling at Ari as tears tracked down her cheeks.

“If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the No’s on their vacancy signs, if there’s no one beside you, when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark,” he looked back down to his guitar finishing the song. “Then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered. “Play it again. Please?”

Nodding Dan played the song once more smiling brightly for his friend. She was on the right track, and he was so glad he was here to see it.