"What About Us?" Well, What About Me?

Legs crossed, magazine in hand, sitting in a chair next to a hospital bedside. That was what I really wanted to be doing right now. Next to me I could hear the somewhat annoying heart monitor and could see a unconscious Vic on the bed besides the machinery. He would be fine, or so the doctors told me. I don't think 2 broken ribs and a fractured wrist was fine, but hey what did I know.

He was only unconscious because the pain medication they had given him pretty much just knocked him out. I wanted to believe Mat was good for him, and that they were happy together, but after this I decided to file a restraining order against him for both Vic and I. Vic would appreciate it.

Having spent a few hours in the hospital I was getting hungry, but I couldn't get myself to leave the room. His bandmates all had stuff going on with their families and Mike was out of town. I couldn't ask everyone to drop their stuff and rush to his side when I had everything under control anyways. My phone in my pocket buzzed and I looked at the caller I.D. before hitting the ignore button and going back to my magazine that I had already read, and re-read, and read again. Honestly I didn't pay much attention to the actual focus of the magazine, it was kinda just there to make sure I don't get too angry, or to allow me to over think. If I think, I'll just think about him, and that's what scared me most.

Vic at one point showed me that he thought there was something between us. Something I wouldn't admit to, and I must confess that all these years all I've wanted to do is apologize, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to apologize or even talk to him because that one night changed my entire life and way of thinking that it scared me. It physically scared me to have so much feelings after one night that I couldn't risk it. I mean I wasn't even gay, so I could never have these feelings for someone, especially the boy I was once best friends with. Once.

I sighed, realizing that I didn't even know what Vic considered us at this point in time. Was I his best friend again? Had I ruined that title the night I walked out the door, leaving him on the cold floor with nothing for him to remember me by except my suitcase which I forgot out of anger and the subtle taste of my lips? There were so many questions. And then there was Mat. Why Mat? This scared me even more. The jealousy. I had never felt this jealous of someone before because they were able to hold and have affection from someone that I couldn't. I wasn't even the jealous type. So why was it that I was jealous of Mat, and scared of Vic, and angry at myself for that night I left Vic?

Why was everything just bombarding me now?

I never asked for this.