Too Much Of You Is Never Enough

Caitlyn

Caitlyn sighed as she climbed into her bunk, moving carefully so she wouldn’t wake the snoring Jake below.
“Tomorrow,” She whispered to herself. She can’t get it out of her mind. The girl turned on her iPod and shuffled all 825 songs.
‘Tomorrow, it happens. We enter Florida and they come. He comes.’ She thought to herself. She felt a flutter in her chest, then a stabbing pain in her gut.
How did this year pass so quickly?
Caitlyn thinks back to last fall, closing her eyes. Hoping sleep will come to her. Instead she reminisces about everything.
It was their first major tour. They went with Paradise Fears, He Is We, The Ready Set, another smaller band alongside them, and All Time Low. It was the greatest time of their lives. It started in a sweet, crisp autumn breeze and ended in a fresh, early winter scent and a nip of cold air. Caitlyn remembers a lot about the tour. Partying almost every night, running free and sleeping on a bus. Doing the craziest stuff, on stage and off. The crazy things the fans would do! Caitlyn laughed silently, remembering the fans. She loves every one of them to death, even if their band isn’t huge yet. California Skyline definitely has some extremely dedicated fans, and they gained quite a lot more after that tour.
The Romance. It was their little secret for a while, but eventually had gotten revealed to the public. But they didn’t care. They thought they were in love. They held hands, laughed, hugged, kissed, and did whatever the fuck they wanted to do. Caitlyn ended up spending the majority of the tour on their bus, getting wasted with the people who knew how to party and spending the night in Alex’s bunk. They were young, stupid, and reckless.
‘One more reason I should never have met you, just another reason I could never forget you.’ Blasts in her ears.
Got that right.
The flutter in her chest and the pain in her gut come crashing back and his face comes into her mind. As much as she hates to admit it, she does miss him. But she doesn’t at the same time. She shouldn’t miss him anyways, she’s pretty sure he’s seeing someone now…
But then again, even THAT may not be true. She remembers Jack telling her via text message last spring that he has no idea whether Alex is single, dating, or even interested. Caitlyn sighed, frustrated, with the confusion this man brought.
She ripped out her headphones and forced her way into sleep, ignoring the pictures of Alex that kept popping up in her brain.

Alex

“Alex, go to sleep!” Alex heard Matt, their annoying tour manager, yell from his bunk. Alex ignored his complaints and proceeded strumming on his acoustic in the back lounge.
“Fuck,” Alex whispered, frustrated. Every note he tried to pluck came out wrong. Naturally, he would have given up by now, but giving up would make him fall asleep, and sleep would bring dreams. Dreams of her, to be more exact, which by now had become nightmares.
He was exhausted; he had been awoken early in the morning to be ordered around all day, triple-checking to make sure they had everything they needed for Warped Tour. Matt’s orders had always frustrated the bunch before they hit the road, but this time it was a significant annoyance. Well, Alex wasn't necessarily annoyed, but he definitely knew he was afraid of what was going to happen tomorrow.
Alex was unaware of how hard he was strumming while lost in his thoughts. He resurfaced when a loud ‘PANG’ and a whip of sharp metal on his face signaled a broken guitar string.
“Ugh!” Alex moaned, throwing the instrument on the couch and standing up. He went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, for the third time today. By now, he was looking for excuses to not sleep, even though he knew he would regret it in the morning. He stepped into the lukewarm stream of water and let it run over his body for a good five minutes. He flinched, whacking his arm on the little soap dish, when her face suddenly popped into his head.
‘Why did that little thing have to happen last year, causing our romance to end, the little thing that has tortured me up to this day?’ Alex thought as the water began to run cold.
He’ll admit it; he didn’t do the right thing when he found out the false news. He still doesn’t know why he never went back when he realized it wasn’t true. He guessed he was just running from it, avoiding her at all costs, because he was embarrassed. Because he was sorry but didn’t know how to express it. Because he loved her.
Alex stepped out of the shower and moped his way to his bunk, flopped down and crawled his way under the covers in just a towel. He thought about her once more. He was too tired to fight it.
They thought they were in love, that’s for sure. It took Alex a long time to realize that he’s never felt that way about a girl before. Mostly because, he was afraid of falling for her, then realizing he only wanted her for the sex. Yes, sex was one of Alex’s top interests. But sex with her was something unbelievable. Soon he would experience the breathtaking feeling of the butterflies in his stomach, and feel his eyes brightening up whenever she walked into the room. Whenever her flowery scent danced past him in wisps through the air, he would feel the hairs on his neck rise. And kissing her, for even the shortest time, felt like an eternity of happiness. Time stopped when she smiled. He was so nervous to hurt her, for her to make the wrong decision, which he left her.
He’s never regretted something so much in his life.

Caitlyn

Caitlyn stepped onto the warm sand of a familiar Florida beach, the sun just starting to rise straight ahead of her. She slowly and carefully walked out to the water that whispered a soft ‘hush’ with each step she took. The wind blew a perfect summer breeze, making the white sundress she was wearing flutter all around her. She laughed and broke into a sprint, straight to the water.
Just as she reached the water that reflected the sun in an orange tint, she was swooped off her feet and flying. She nestled into his chest, remembering his scent in every way possible. She had missed it. She breathed it in deep, arms wrapping around his toned body. Caitlyn felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks when Alex leaned down and whispered, “I’ve missed you so much.”
Caitlyn sat bolt upright with a startled, loud gasp. She immediately covered her mouth and felt wetness on her cheeks. “Fuck.” She cursed quietly, glancing at the clock. 3:45. She whipped the curtain of her bunk to the side and climbed down the little latter.
She hiccupped on her way to the compartment barely suitable to be called a bathroom and found she was fighting to hold back tears. She washed her face and looked at the puffy eyed girl in the mirror. “What the actual fuck is wrong with me,” she mumbled to herself. Caitlyn had found herself to be very emotional when she cracked. Because of this, she had developed a way to avoid anything that would make her crack; which is to find the problem and stay away from it. She had also learned how to hide her emotions, to contain them when they struck her like lightning. But when she’s dreaming, she was defenseless.
Caitlyn stalked out of the bathroom and screamed unexpectedly when she slammed into Dan, their tour manager. He shuddered and whipped around, elbowing Caitlyn, hard, in the boob.
“OW! Watch your FUCKING elbow!” Caitlyn yelled, holding her tit.
“I didn’t know you were there! Jesus Christ, Cat, don’t do that to me!” He defended; hand on his heart from getting the crap scared out of him.
A sleep- deprived voice came from the bunk area. “Shut up!”
Caitlyn huffed in frustration and poured herself a glass of water. Dan leaned on the counter. “Why are you up so late?” He asked her.
“No reason.” She snapped back, gulping down water in hopes to swallow the lump in her throat. If anything, it made it worse.
Dan looked at her. “No reason, huh? Hm. Will you let me guess?” he asked her with an arch of his eyebrow.
“Go for it,” Caitlyn sighed. She knew that he knew why she was up so late.
“Tomorrow. All Time Low comes. Alex comes. And you don’t know what to do,” He said softly.
Caitlyn felt tears start to fill up her eyes and she looked at Dan. He looked back at her sadly and pulled her into an embrace. And she cried.
“Fuck, Dan, I’m so sorry,” she gasped through her sobs, trying to contain her tears. She pulled away from him and looked out the window. A sign passes. ‘Florida 5 Miles,’ it read.
Dan stepped into her field of view. “Don’t be sorry, he put you through hell.”
The memories came flooding back to Caitlyn. She remembered it was a few days before their last concert date, their last day off. She rolled out of Alex’s’ bunk with a pounding headache and slipped on his shirt from last night. Alex was still passed out in his bunk, completely naked. She threw the blanket over half of his exposed body and went to the kitchen.
Jack was in there, sipping coffee. Caitlyn collapsed on the couch and moaned when Jack asked with a laugh, “Rough night?” Then she remembered taking Tylenol and talking with Jack for a little while. Everything was fine, calm.
Later that day she remembered talking to her cousin, Amanda, on the phone. She told Amanda everything—especially all the little details about her and Alex’s relationship.
“Take a pregnancy test, Cat. Even if you used a condom.”
Caitlyn sighed into her iPhone and leaned back into her pillows. “I’m on birth control AND we used a condom. I promise you, I’m not pregnant.”
“Listen, Cat. You were drunk right?”
“Well-”
“So you don’t know if the condom broke; you probably don’t remember. Or even noticed in that matter.”
“Alright, alright. I’ll take the damn pregnancy test.”
So she did. She remembered feeling viciously nervous beforehand, not the normal anxiety she would have when she waited that long 60 seconds. She told herself to calm down, she was obviously fine.
So she couldn’t believe her eyes when the little plus sign showed up on the white stick. She sunk to the floor, her heart beating rapidly. “Oh my god,” she whispered in shaky breaths. “No. No way.” Caitlyn stared at the test for about five minutes, waiting for it to slip back to the negative sign. But it didn’t.
The first person she told was Bentley, or the first person to hear her crying in the bathroom. Eventually, everyone in the band knew, and sooner or later she had to tell Alex.
She told him two days before their last show. They went for a late night walk, the air so cold, they could wear enough clothes to disguise themselves. They went to a park, hand in hand, and sat down on a bench. She took Alex’s hand and told him what had happened.
His first reaction was he laughed. He laughed, and was positive she was joking. She had to be! He went over the facts, that they had used a condom and she was on birth control. There was no way.
The unchanged reaction on Caitlyn’s face told Alex that she wasn’t joking. Alex’s eyes widened in horror and he jumped up.
“Caityln… oh my god. You’re… you’re sure?” Alex’s brown eyes were huge. His mouth hung open. Caitlyn nodded, trying hard not to break down in front of Alex. Alex put his hands to his face and paced back and forth, shaking his head. Wishing it wasn’t true.
“Alex… we can get through this. I know we can. It will, just… it may change everything, but-”
“No. We can’t. There’s no way, I don’t… Oh my god. Caitlyn, you don’t plan on actually… having this thing, right?” Alex stared at her desperately with watery eyes. Caitlyn stared back at him in horror. Honestly, she didn’t know what she was going to do about it. But the fact that Alex doesn’t want her to have it, that he wants nothing to do with it, just made her absolutely furious. She stood up.
“And what if I do?” She asked him angrily.
Alex just stared back at her and scrunched his eyebrows. “I don’t want to be selfish. But this will affect California Skyline and All Time Low so much. You aren’t going to be able to do anything anymore!” his voice shook.
She felt her anger growing rapidly. “Yeah, but I’m not just gonna throw away a perfectly good life! And dammit Alex, it’s our own damn faults it happened. So both of us has to take responsibilty.”
The two spewed anger-filled remarks back and forth, until Alex finally cut her off and told Caitlyn that he’s not going to do it. He can’t handle it, and he wishes that Caitlyn felt the same way, because her life will be ruined if she followed through on this. They walked back to the bus in silence, just as the first snow of the year began to fall.
Caitlyn and Alex never talked again. Caitlyn had no idea what to do. She was a mess. Jack, who soon became her best friend in the entire world, helped her through the rest of the week. He held her while she cried and tried as hard as he could to knock some sense into Alex. But Alex never changed his mind.
Jack treated Caitlyn so well. He even offered her his help in nine months when the child came into this world, to basically be the father figure. Caitlyn agreed. She didn’t know how upset Alex would be because of it, and she never would know.
***
One week after the tour ended, Caitlyn realized she had made the biggest mistake of her life. She didn’t know whether to cry of sadness or joy, but she did know that she wasn’t carrying a baby at all. She had gotten her period.
Not too long after, she went to the doctors to verify. She indeed was not pregnant. Her doctor told her that the test was wrong, which can happen. Caitlyn still regrets not taking more than one test to tell if she was actually pregnant.
Caitlyn told her band mates, her family, and Jack. She was sure Jack had told Alex, but Caitlyn still never heard from him.
This was going to change in less than twelve hours.

Alex

“Rise and shine! Everyone up! Up!” Alex’s curtain, his savior and protector from the light outside, flew open and in poked Matt’s head, his dark brown hair already carefully styled in small spikes. “Up!” he yelled to Alex, and moved on to the next curtain. “Up! Up!”
Alex moaned from the bright light and flipped over on his stomach, covering his head with his pillow. Everyone else’s tired moans and complaints around the bus told Alex that it was way too early to be walking. Matt did his morning wakeup call about two more times before he started banging a pot with a wooden spoon. “Come ON guys! We’ve got a lot to do today!”
“Matt, fucking…chill…WITH…THE…POT!” Alex heard Jack yell in between Matt’s clanging.
“Not until everyone’s up!” Matt yelled back.
Alex felt someone grab his exposed leg and yank him onto the floor. “Argh!” Alex yelled as he flipped onto his back and saw Jack’s tired but irritated face.
“Get up dude.” Jack then offered Alex a hand and pulled him up off of the floor. Alex wrapped his blanket around his half naked body and followed everyone to the front lounge/kitchen.
It took Matt a good ten minutes to herd everyone to the front lounge. Alex nearly fell asleep again when he told them their agenda for the day. He definitely would have if it wasn’t for Rian who proceeded on flicking his forehead every time Alex let his head hang down in exhaustion. He took the time to look over at the clock. 6:32. Yeah, WAY too early.
With the help of some good old caffeine, the boys were up and running. They were in some parking lot in southern Florida. Alex and Jack decided to go take a walk around once they were done cleaning and helping. They were meeting some of the other bands, including California Skyline, at around noon. It was 10 when they walked away from the mayhem of living on a bus.
“Excited?” Jack asked Alex with bright eyes.
“Of course, bro! It’s Warped Tour!” Alex partially lied; he wasn’t very excited at the moment. He was close to the feeling of being so nervous that he was going to puke. The coffee he chugged didn’t help the situation much either.
“Yeah, I’m excited to see our old friends again.” Jack told him. Alex was almost sure Jack was hinting at something. Alex gave the spiky haired boy a look. “What?” Jack asked Alex defensively.
“I didn’t say anything.” Alex turned away from Jack. The 23 and 22 year olds reached a sandy path, a small beach not too far ahead. It was occupied by many humans in bathing suits. The two didn’t make an attempt to disguise themselves, so they veered off down a fairly deserted road that ran a few blocks from the coast.
“Alright then,” Jack responded.
Alex honestly had no idea what to do about Caitlyn. The last time he talked about it to someone, it was a few months ago to Jack. He sighed, deciding it was now or never. “Jack, what am I supposed to do? Apologize?”
“You need to tell her how you really feel. She’s the type of girl to fall for the honest, good natured guy,” Jack responded automatically, “I don’t know how she’s going to react to you; you haven’t talked to her in what, 7 months?”
Alex felt a sharp pang of guilt when he realized it HAS been around 7 months. “You’re right, my god. I feel so bad and I just, I don’t want her to just turn away from me and leave. If she gives me a second chance, I swear to god I will be the happiest man in the world. I’ll love her to death and never ever leave her again. Fuck, Jack, I miss her and I love her.” This all rushed out of Alex unexpectedly, making his cheeks turn bright red.
Jack was silent for a moment, and then quietly said, “She’s a really good person. She was crushed when you left her, Alex. I honestly don’t know how she will react. Just don’t overthink it too much. It’ll be fine.”
They walked a little farther when Alex’s phone chimed in his pocket. It was Rian.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, where are you guys?”
“Um… walking? We’re by the beach.”
“Well, uh, you should come back.”
“Okay, why? Flyzik getting pissed?”
“Um, something like that… We also ran into someone so you should just head back now.” Rian said quickly. Before Alex could respond, Rian said “Seeya,” and hung up.
The boys made their way back to the parking lot. Alex’s heart pounded, what if, just what if, they met with California Skyline early? What if they were there, right now? Alex twirled a lock of his hair with his finger nervously. He knew that he was going to face Caitlyn Marcobson sooner or later, but the fact that he might see her in a few minutes made him ten times more nervous. Then he remembered, ‘Don’t overthink it.’ He took a deep breath and tried to relax.
Alex stared at his feet as they walked; he didn’t like the feeling of anticipation or making awkward eye contact if someone was there. Just as they were close enough for Alex to lift his head up, Jack stopped short. Alex looked over at Jack. He had his excited Jack Barakat face on. Then he broke into a run, straight in the direction they were headed, toward a group of people, toward a girl with her long brown hair tied up into a bun, toward the girl that turned around in surprise just before Jack tackled her.
Her shining blue eyes flickered behind Jack while they hugged, straight at Alex. She looked away before Alex could have time to feel the millions of butterflies in his stomach, making him want to throw up a whole lot more. She was smiling hugely, laughing. Alex could hear her voice. His brain got cloudy. He felt like he should move; go up there for god’s sake. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t seem to feel his legs, which he bet felt like jelly right now anyways. He just stood there like an idiot, staring at the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.
The girl whose heart in which Alex crushed, and was too scared to mend.