What You Work For

I sat on the bench waiting for my next shift in the scrimmage game two days later at practice. We were leaving that night for a preseason game in Dallas and then one in Edmonton. We had beat Phoenix by a nice 5-3 score and were all happy to be playing. Or they guys were, anyway. I was still benched.

Taking to the ice with Jordan and James with me, we went head-to-head with TK and his line.

“Fuck that hurt,” he whined as I used all my body weight to check him into the boards.

“Sucks to suck, eh?” I had found myself using the Canadian word more and more over the last few days.

It went on like that for another 3 shifts. The guys weren’t afraid to play rough with me on the ice. They knew I could take it. But of course, the rest of the league didn’t.

Apparently, that’s why I wasn’t playing. Not only was Dan worried about the reaction other teams would have to me, but he was concerned that they wouldn’t play against me.

I hated the feeling of rejection. I always had and it never failed to get in the way. Growing up, my rejection was usually on the ice. But I was still playing. Now, I was a pretty face watching from the box and trying to put my heart and soul into practices. I was slowly beginning to lose faith in the career I had chosen.

*****

“Bug?” Dan’s voice called from his office. Now everyone was using that nickname.

“Yeah?” I turned around and stopped walking with TK and Geno. “What’s up, Coach?”

“Can I talk with you a minute?” he gestured to the chair on the other side of his desk.

I glanced back at me teammates who had been watching me intently.

“Uh, sure,” I nodded before waving to the guys and entering Dan’s office.

He shut the door before taking a seat on the other side of the desk and looking at me.

“You’re losing steam,” he said bluntly.

Shit, he’d noticed. I’d been trying to hide my discontent as best I could, but I knew I was slipping.

“I’m okay,” I shifted in my seat.

“You want to be playing,” Dan said. “We know. But it’s a matter of making sure it’s at the right time.”

“I know that,” I assured him. “Really, I do. It’s just, if I’m up in the NHL and not playing, maybe I would be better suited playing in Wilkes-Barre. Maybe the league’s not ready for a female player.” I felt tears well up in my eyes. I blinked them away and locked eyes with my coach.

“How do you think you’re first game would go?” he asked.

I didn’t know how to answer. “Um, I-I don’t know. I’d like to think it would be like the scrimmage just a little while ago. But I know that would be incredibly naïve of me.”

“It would be,” he agreed. “Would you be disappointed if you were sent down?”

“Yeah, I would be,” I admitted. “But at the same time, I’d be glad I was somewhere where I could be contributing on the ice. I’ve spent my share of time watching growing up and it’s never fun.” That much was certainly true. Knee injuries had plagued me my entire hockey and cheerleading careers.

Dan nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll let you go now, but I’d like to talk with you again after the game in Dallas. Okay?”

“Sure,” I nodded. “I’ll see you tonight at the airport.”

*****

By the time I pulled into the driveway of my parents’ house, my tears had dried and the only evidence that I had cried were the damp tissues that I disposed of on the side of the garage in the trash can.

Unlocking the front door, I found a note waiting for me on the hall table.

‘’

Why he couldn’t have texted me, I didn’t know.

Walking into my room and sipping on a glass of water, I dialed a familiar number.

“Hey, Ollie,” Jeremy’s voice came through. “Long time, no talk.”

That was true. It had been nearly two weeks since we’d talked.

“Sorry, J,” I apologized. “It’s been crazy over here. I’m sure you’re busy too.” Newborn twins and a job with the National Hockey League had to keep you busy.

“It has,” he agreed. “I don’t see your name on the lineup for the game in Dallas. Why’s that?”

I cringed. That was why Jeremy was one of the league’s best. He asked the hard questions.

“I didn’t call to get grilled by Jeremy DuPont, Panelist. I called to be comforted by J, Big Brother. Can you do that for me?” I asked.

“Sorry, sorry,” Jeremy’s voice softened. “I sometime forget that we don’t have a professional relationship. What’s on your mind, kiddo?”

And so, I launched into the whole, sad, sorry tale, not omitting anything.

“Take a deep breath,” he advised after I had finished my story. “And close your eyes a minute.”

I did as he said and almost instantly felt a little better. This was why I loved Jeremy. Being the oldest, he was a little more rational than Mark and Lucy. I could go to him with anything and he would give me the real world answer, while still being pretty compassionate. That is, if he wasn’t in professional mode.

“You okay?” Jeremy asked as the silence had been prolonged.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” I sighed. “I probably just talked your ear off.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” he assured me. “You’re really stressed, huh?”

“Yeah, I am,” I admitted. “I mean, after talking with Dan today, I thought I would feel a little better about the situation. But I’m not. But it sounded like WBS is a real option.”

“You brought it up,” Jeremy pointed out.

“I know I did!” I flopped back onto my bed and let my empty suitcase tumble to the floor. “But I-I…”

“You wanted him to say something different,” Jeremy understood. “You’re upset that he didn’t but angry that you’re letting it get to you.”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

Damn, he knew me well.

“You need to talk to him more, Ollie. Maybe a few weeks in Wilkes-Barre is what you need. Let the season get underway and then see where you stand,” Jeremy suggested.

Why was he always so right?

I checked the time. If I wanted to be able to have a sit-down dinner with Mom and Dad, I needed to get a move on with packing.

“Thanks, J,” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Ollie,” he said. “And remember, whatever happens, we’re all really proud.”

I knew I had to be blushing. “Thanks, J. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, Ollie.”

Before packing, I sent my first tweet of the day.

‘@Olivia00DuPont- I love you, biggest brother! Xx’