Barely Breathing
i think i'm scared - one
If You're Gone - Matchbox 20
_________________________________________________________________
I knocked on the apartment door and felt the nervousness flood over me. I've been dreading this day for a week but it had to be done. I had to face it.
He opened the door and his blue eyes met mine right away. My entire body tensed up and my heart sank. He looked tired and wore down, although hockey could do that to you too. His expression changed when he saw me.
"I need to pick up my stuff" I said taking a deep breath, "It's not alot"
He disappeared and came back with a box full of my stuff, pictures of us and anything that remotely reminded him of me, "It's all here"
"Oh..."
He set it on the floor and shut the door in my face. I kneeled down and rooted through everything. So many pictures of us together, Christmas with his family, our nights out, when he kissed my cheek...
The pain hit me like a brick and I fell to the ground and felt the tears brim my eyes.
I suppose I deserve it.
___________________________________________________________________
Two weeks earlier
I was so ashamed, disgusted and angry with myself that I couldn't even look him in the eye. His gaze burned right through me. I can't believe I screwed this up. He trusted me. He trusted Max. And I did the unthinkable.
I hurt him.
"You went behind my back. You lied to me for weeks. You pretended like everything was fine. How long did it go on?" his voice was raised, he never raised his voice with me, I didn't like it.
I shook my head, "It only happened once"
"Only?!" he snapped back, "Once is one too many, especially after what we've been through together. One year. Two weeks and we would have been together a year"
"Would have?" the nature of his comment scared me, but what did I expect? I should have known this was coming, I suppose I just didn't want to believe it.
"How could you just go behind my back and sleep with one of my teammates? I trusted you. I trusted him. You just--you broke my heart" he said the last part quietly and my eyes watered, a tear escaping, "How could you?"
I couldn't answer him, because even I didn't understand why I did it or how I could do something like this to him. He took the silence and spoke again.
"I need you to get out" he said.
"Chris, I have nowhere else to go"
"I'm sure he'd be glad to let you stay with him" he huffed, "Just get out. You can come and get your stuff another day. I just need you to pack what you can and get out" he wasn't even angry when he said it. He was calm, somehow collected and disappointed. That's what hurt the most. I wished he would just yell at me.
"Yell at me" I told him, "Why can't you just yell at me?"
"Because yelling at you won't change what you did" he said, "As much as I want to"
I didn't say another word to him and just packed what I could and was out as quick as I could. Before I shut the door I turned and spoke, "I'm sorry that I screwed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. I just wish I wasn't losing my life because of it"
"Goodbye Julie" I heard the door shut behind me and I winced as it slammed. I dragged my things behind me and grabbed a taxi and directed him to Max's.
I'm crashing at your place for a while, I did what you said, and now you're all I've got
Max greeted me at the door and I leaned away from his attempt to kiss my cheek and refused a hug. I dropped my things by his door and fell onto his couch, silent.
"Talk to me?" he asked.
I shook my head and kept my mouth closed. He clenched his teeth stared down at the ground, "I'm sorry, I wish it could be different"
I shook my head again, but this time I spoke, "No, this is what you wanted. You wanted me for yourself, I know you did"
"Not like this"
"How else would you be able to have me?" I shrugged.
"You know you didn't have to...you could have said no"
I was silent again, because I knew it was true. I just wanted someone else to blame too, even though it was all my fault.
"Yah, it's all my fault. I get it" I mumbled, "I was just trying to pull some of this weight off"
"It's a two way street"
I nodded, "No offence, but I would take it all back just to have him"
You could tell the words stung, but he was fully understanding, "Trust me, I get it. Make yourself at home, you won't even know I"m here"
--
It was ridiculous that I was even thinking in the other direction. She lied and cheated, with someone close to me, and a second chance shouldn't be given. She doesn't deserve it.
But something inside me still wanted to give her one.
There were little things that make me want to give it one more shot. How cold the other side of the bed was where she used to sleep, how quiet the apartment was, and the fact that I missed her even though I knew I shouldn't.
I was pretty good at keeping my head in the game and keeping it off of Julie. I slowly did up my skates as I heard someone sit next to me, I paid no attention until their hand was on my shoulder, "Higs"
I sat back up, one skate half done and mett Kesler's eyes, "Kes"
"How're you holding up? I heard what happened."
I shrugged, "Fine I suppose. What do you expect me to say?" Kesler sighed and shrugged slightly, "The truth maybe?" he replied, "I know you're trying, but you can tell that you're not yourself"
"How do I play alongside someone that--" he stopped for a minute as Max entered the room, a few whispers followed, but nothing that caused the entire room to stir. But my head was certainly stirring, with many different ideas.
"I honestly don't know" Kesler replied, "But you do what you have to, right?"
"I can't get her out, it's like she's stuck there"
He nodded, "Understandable, but you give it time, you distract yourself and you steer clear if you want to move on"
I nodded and sighed, "I suppose you're right"
"There's a road trip coming up, it will give you time to think and then you finish it when we get back"
"Thanks Kes"
"Anytime" he slapped my shoulder and stood up, "When you cool down, you talk to him and figure it out. You can't play a season of hockey when you can't stand the sight of your teammate"
"I'll do what I can" he left me alone again as I finished tying up my skates. It was game time now.
Have to block it all out.
"Chris" that familiar French accent called my name, not my nickname.
I clenched my teeth and held anything back. He sat beside me and I kept silent and continued putting on my equipment, "Look, I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm sorry. And I will do anything to fix this"
I shook my head, "Off the ice, you're dead to me, on the ice, during those sixty minutes is all you get out of me. Best I can do" he nodded once, "Alright" he responded and moved back to his own stall.
What if this doesn't work?
_________________________________________________________________
I knocked on the apartment door and felt the nervousness flood over me. I've been dreading this day for a week but it had to be done. I had to face it.
He opened the door and his blue eyes met mine right away. My entire body tensed up and my heart sank. He looked tired and wore down, although hockey could do that to you too. His expression changed when he saw me.
"I need to pick up my stuff" I said taking a deep breath, "It's not alot"
He disappeared and came back with a box full of my stuff, pictures of us and anything that remotely reminded him of me, "It's all here"
"Oh..."
He set it on the floor and shut the door in my face. I kneeled down and rooted through everything. So many pictures of us together, Christmas with his family, our nights out, when he kissed my cheek...
The pain hit me like a brick and I fell to the ground and felt the tears brim my eyes.
I suppose I deserve it.
___________________________________________________________________
Two weeks earlier
I was so ashamed, disgusted and angry with myself that I couldn't even look him in the eye. His gaze burned right through me. I can't believe I screwed this up. He trusted me. He trusted Max. And I did the unthinkable.
I hurt him.
"You went behind my back. You lied to me for weeks. You pretended like everything was fine. How long did it go on?" his voice was raised, he never raised his voice with me, I didn't like it.
I shook my head, "It only happened once"
"Only?!" he snapped back, "Once is one too many, especially after what we've been through together. One year. Two weeks and we would have been together a year"
"Would have?" the nature of his comment scared me, but what did I expect? I should have known this was coming, I suppose I just didn't want to believe it.
"How could you just go behind my back and sleep with one of my teammates? I trusted you. I trusted him. You just--you broke my heart" he said the last part quietly and my eyes watered, a tear escaping, "How could you?"
I couldn't answer him, because even I didn't understand why I did it or how I could do something like this to him. He took the silence and spoke again.
"I need you to get out" he said.
"Chris, I have nowhere else to go"
"I'm sure he'd be glad to let you stay with him" he huffed, "Just get out. You can come and get your stuff another day. I just need you to pack what you can and get out" he wasn't even angry when he said it. He was calm, somehow collected and disappointed. That's what hurt the most. I wished he would just yell at me.
"Yell at me" I told him, "Why can't you just yell at me?"
"Because yelling at you won't change what you did" he said, "As much as I want to"
I didn't say another word to him and just packed what I could and was out as quick as I could. Before I shut the door I turned and spoke, "I'm sorry that I screwed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. I just wish I wasn't losing my life because of it"
"Goodbye Julie" I heard the door shut behind me and I winced as it slammed. I dragged my things behind me and grabbed a taxi and directed him to Max's.
I'm crashing at your place for a while, I did what you said, and now you're all I've got
Max greeted me at the door and I leaned away from his attempt to kiss my cheek and refused a hug. I dropped my things by his door and fell onto his couch, silent.
"Talk to me?" he asked.
I shook my head and kept my mouth closed. He clenched his teeth stared down at the ground, "I'm sorry, I wish it could be different"
I shook my head again, but this time I spoke, "No, this is what you wanted. You wanted me for yourself, I know you did"
"Not like this"
"How else would you be able to have me?" I shrugged.
"You know you didn't have to...you could have said no"
I was silent again, because I knew it was true. I just wanted someone else to blame too, even though it was all my fault.
"Yah, it's all my fault. I get it" I mumbled, "I was just trying to pull some of this weight off"
"It's a two way street"
I nodded, "No offence, but I would take it all back just to have him"
You could tell the words stung, but he was fully understanding, "Trust me, I get it. Make yourself at home, you won't even know I"m here"
--
It was ridiculous that I was even thinking in the other direction. She lied and cheated, with someone close to me, and a second chance shouldn't be given. She doesn't deserve it.
But something inside me still wanted to give her one.
There were little things that make me want to give it one more shot. How cold the other side of the bed was where she used to sleep, how quiet the apartment was, and the fact that I missed her even though I knew I shouldn't.
I was pretty good at keeping my head in the game and keeping it off of Julie. I slowly did up my skates as I heard someone sit next to me, I paid no attention until their hand was on my shoulder, "Higs"
I sat back up, one skate half done and mett Kesler's eyes, "Kes"
"How're you holding up? I heard what happened."
I shrugged, "Fine I suppose. What do you expect me to say?" Kesler sighed and shrugged slightly, "The truth maybe?" he replied, "I know you're trying, but you can tell that you're not yourself"
"How do I play alongside someone that--" he stopped for a minute as Max entered the room, a few whispers followed, but nothing that caused the entire room to stir. But my head was certainly stirring, with many different ideas.
"I honestly don't know" Kesler replied, "But you do what you have to, right?"
"I can't get her out, it's like she's stuck there"
He nodded, "Understandable, but you give it time, you distract yourself and you steer clear if you want to move on"
I nodded and sighed, "I suppose you're right"
"There's a road trip coming up, it will give you time to think and then you finish it when we get back"
"Thanks Kes"
"Anytime" he slapped my shoulder and stood up, "When you cool down, you talk to him and figure it out. You can't play a season of hockey when you can't stand the sight of your teammate"
"I'll do what I can" he left me alone again as I finished tying up my skates. It was game time now.
Have to block it all out.
"Chris" that familiar French accent called my name, not my nickname.
I clenched my teeth and held anything back. He sat beside me and I kept silent and continued putting on my equipment, "Look, I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm sorry. And I will do anything to fix this"
I shook my head, "Off the ice, you're dead to me, on the ice, during those sixty minutes is all you get out of me. Best I can do" he nodded once, "Alright" he responded and moved back to his own stall.
What if this doesn't work?