Barely Breathing

Last Kiss - Taylor Swift
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I didn’t know how to process it. I felt helpless and hopeless. I couldn’t sleep, eat and most nights I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I missed him so much it hurt, as cliché as it sounds. He became home to me, and now I had no home, and it was all my fault.

I felt the February chill in Max’s apartment getting up early, not that I did that much sleeping. I pulled on a hoodie and crossed my arms tightly around me, fighting off the goosebumps. It was way too cold for February in Vancouver. I dragged myself into the kitchen and poured myself some coffee Max had made a few minutes ago. I caught his eye in the kitchen and then looked down at my mug and took a sip.

“Sleep well?” he asked. I knew he could hear me most nights, up and down, fighting off the tears, pacing the apartment.

I shook my head, “Not at all.”

“Are you working today?”

I shook my head again, “Nope”

He sighed at my lack of speaking and set the paper down, “You’ll have to talk to me eventually”

I shrugged, “I’m just not in the mood. I’m tired. I’m sorry” I left the kitchen and climbed back into bed, which still felt strange and uncomfortable. I missed my bed—his bed. This was foreign. No wonder I haven’t been sleeping.

I flipped through channels, keeping myself buried under blankets. It was more to keep the world away, not the cold. Although I knew nothing would happen, I kept an eye on my phone. I held on to that sliver of hope that I shouldn’t even have. Especially when I’m disappointed day after day of not hearing anything.

“Hey” I heard a voice on the other side of the door.

“Come in”

The door opened slowly and Max stood in the doorway, “We have a long road trip coming up, so I just want you to know I won’t be around for the next little bit, but I suppose you don’t really care anyways”

“Good luck on your trip” was all I could manage to say. He nodded once and then shut the door again. I climbed deeper into the blankets and hoped I would just fall asleep, keeping my mind off the pain for a few hours, but I wasn’t that lucky.

--
It was going on three weeks since we ended things and the road trip seemed to be helping because we were winning, and it was away from the one place that constantly reminded me of her. Yet, I had to look at Max every day, and that seemed to cancel it all out.

After a loss in LA, we had to be quick to head out to make our way to Anaheim, our last game of the road trip before going back home. By pure luck, I ended up sitting next to Max, being the last guy on the plane.

“How are you?” he asked, obviously trying to quiet the awkwardness between us.

“I’m fine” I replied, not giving him any opportunity to say much more, but he decided to anyways.

“You seem off” he said, “From what I can tell”

“How about you pay attention to your own game” I bitterly replied.

“Look” he began, “I understand why you’re angry. I get that. But in the end, she loves you and wants nothing to do with me. If she’s not at work, she’s in bed and she barely gets out. This is a girl that’s usually the one cheering up everyone else and now she can’t even smile because she has nothing in her life to smile about. You need to know that this girl is miserable and I can tell you’re miserable and I care more about her happiness than mine, so talk to her, do something. You’re the only one that can”

I wasn’t in the mood to hear anything from him, but to hear what was going on, how miserable she was, made me feel sick to my stomach. She cheated on me and yet I feel bad for her. She deserves how she’s feeling because that’s how I felt, and is how I still feel. I need to stop feeling sorry for her, I can’t go through that pain again. I can’t seem to keep my thoughts and feelings straight anymore.
“I can’t” I replied, “There’s nothing more to say”

He sighed and shook his head and didn’t say anything more as he slipped his headphones over his ears. I did the same, tuning all of it out but it didn’t matter because the battle continued between my heart and mind.

I can’t give her another chance.

I miss her.

She deserves how she feels.

I miss her.

I can’t go through that pain again.

I still love her.

The fight was exhausting, but I couldn’t just give in, could I? No. I have to be strong. I will find someone that treats me with love and respect and who I can trust.

Or maybe I should just not be with anyone.

Or maybe I can just talk to her.

I don’t know what to do anymore.