I Made You up to Hurt Myself

I refused to leave my room for the remainder of the day. I just lay there, curled up in a foetal position for hours, trying my hardest - but in vain, nonetheless - not to break down and just sob. Something awful had happened to Sean, I could tell. Holly avoided all eye contact with me when I mentioned him, quickly finishing up whatever work she'd been sent in there to do, and leaving as soon as she could. Shay and Aled fell silent, too, and neither of them passed any remark when I darted off.

I don't know what to do. Something has happened to my baby. Something awful. And I did nothing to stop it. I was too busy out enjoying myself to worry about him. I know he was there when I returned, but he'd even said he was sick earlier. Ugh! This is all my fault, isn't it? I've been spending to much time with the other two, not worrying about him or his wellbeing. I'm an awful person.

***

I didn't attempt to move until lunch time, when I was physically carried to the dining hall by a couple of the orderlies. Of course I put up a fight‎; kicking and screaming and lashing out at them, but they were stonger than I am, and I know they say strength isn't everything - I know I'm lighter, more agile, more nimble - but when it comes down to just lifting someone like me, my weight isn't exactly going to work out too well in my favour. They were always going to win in the end.

They refused to let me sit alone, the way I preferred, and instead had Jimmy sit beside me the whole hour. What on God's earth would make them believe that I'd enjoy sitting next to him? I don't think they understand. I don't want Jimmy. I don't want some odd kid that I've spoken to once. I don't even want some kid that I've spoken to a million times. I don't want any of them. I want Sean.

He didn't show up at lunch, which really shouldn't surprise me; he never shows up for lunch, but I was worried, anyway. He'd disappeared on me before, but it had only been for a few hours, and Shay and Aled usually kept me company. It sounds sappy, but I'm lost without him.

Jimmy tried speaking to me, but I ignored him. I ignored everyone. I don't want to speak at all, and I don't want anyone to speak to me. Yes, I know I'm being immature, and I know I'm being selfish, but when the most important thing in your life could be in terrible pain, or possibly... I'm not even going to say it - then sometimes, you can't help being a little selfish.

***

He was absent at dinner, too, which did nothing to boost my hopes. He's never been gone a full day before. I don't know what to do. I refused to eat, even when they made an all out effort to force feed me. I don't know why they didn't just give up. It was clear it wasn't going to work.

I could feel Holly's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head the entire time. I suppose she must know something about it. After all, she was the first to act so shifty when I mentioned him. She was biting her nails, too, tears pooling in her bright eyes as she watched me, and she had the general look of someone about to deliver bad news. I hoped for Sean's sake she wasn't.

She continued to observe me for a couple of minutes longer, before walking over to stand behind me, and clearing her throat. I turned to face her, my fringe getting in my eyes as usual as I did.

"Ian?" she began in a high pitched voice. Things were not looking good. "Could you follow me for a moment please? There's something I need to tell you..."

And just like that, I followed. My legs were shaking as I walked, but still, I followed. I wanted to turn on my heel and sprint, not caring where I was going, as long as it was away from here. I didn't, though. I followed her, and obeyed when she signalled me to sit down beside her on a bench outside of the main office. I usually considered this to be like the naughty step you'd see children sitting on. I never once thought I'd find myself sitting there.

"What's happened to Sean?!" I demanded. Well, as demanding as I could muster. It came out as more of a nervous yelp.

Her cheeks were damp by now, and she was biting her lip whilst she gave me a pitying look.

"Ian..." she tried, almost choking on a sob. "Sean... Sean doesn't exist."