If Love Is The Answer, Could You Repeat The Question?

So it’s like this: It’s later that night and Alex gathered everyone to talk about what had happened the previous night and basically laugh at all the stupid things they did and said.

You sit with a bottle of water in your spot listening to them recap all the things they’re trying to remember. It was hilarious as they all keep interrupting each other to argue over small details. You thought you could get through the entire conversation without being asked about what happened once everyone else passed out but much to your dismay, Alex turns to you with a large grin.

“So how was taking care of Mr. Mickey Freak?”

You chuckle, not looking at him as he stares intently at you from the other side of Alex. “It was fine. He didn’t throw up on me so.”

“He never shuts up when he’s drunk so he probably said really stupid things the entire time, didn’t he?” Rian asks.

“Nope, he was pretty quiet. He didn’t really say anything.” You lied slightly.

“No embarrassing drunken confessions either then?” Alex asks.

You shake your head. You wouldn’t consider him saying he loved you an embarrassing confession, but it wasn’t something anyone was going to find out about. You didn’t feel bad about lying to them about this because it’s not like he remembered what he said anyway, so it didn’t make a difference.

“Dammit, you’re boring man.” Alex punched him in the shoulder lightly. He smiled but you could tell it was forced and he looked lost in thought as everyone else went back to their loud conversation about something that happened at the bar. You couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking. His eyebrows were pulled together like he was trying to solve some invisible, complicated math equation, concentrating hard on the floor. It was like he was forcing himself to remember what happened last night.

Sooner or later everyone scattered and it ended up just being the two of you in the front lounge. You didn’t think he’d try to talk to you though.

“Thanks for sparing me the humiliation if I did do anything embarrassing last night.” He says quietly as you get up to get another bottle of water.

“You really didn’t do anything embarrassing. I mean unless you count getting into the fight. That was probably embarrassing but after that you were too drunk to function properly.” You shrug.

“Being that drunk was kinda humiliating on its own.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“But hey, now that it’s just us, what did I say that was stupid though?” He asks, looking at you.

You freeze on the spot. He asking that was definitely something you weren’t prepared for. You didn’t have a lie ready to spit at him because you never expected him to ask about it ever again, leaving it as a forgotten wonder in the back of his mind. Would he even believe you if you told him the truth? How would he feel if you told him what he said and then realized you filed that under stupid drunk things? Neither of those you were willing to gamble the truth on so you try to make a convincing confused face. “What?”

“I, uh, asked you this morning if I had said anything stupid and you said just one thing and I’m uh, kinda wondering what that was...” He trailed off and apparently you weren’t the only nervous one here because he never stuttered or dragged out his sentences like that.

“Oh. I don’t even remember anymore. It wasn’t anything significant.” You say and immediately wish you would have thought of something better because wow that was kinda mean even if he didn’t remember.

“Oh. It must not have been that important then.” He says even quieter than before. There was a short silence while you looked at him and he looked almost broken. It reminded you of the look in his eyes when you ended your fling with him. You couldn’t understand why this seemed like such a big thing to him and you really didn’t want to ask and have him react badly. It was shocking enough he was talking to you, it was better not to push him.

You didn’t want to stand there in silence so you walk past him, still planted on the couch, eyes never leaving the ground and crawl into your bunk, not bothering to say goodnight to him either.

-x-

His POV (oooooh this is new)

She lied.

I couldn’t believe that she flat out lied to me. Well then again, I was lying to her too. Maybe I did remember bits of pieces of last night, mainly the part where I accidently let it slip that I loved her. There was no way I could tell her I remembered without it ending terribly and this was definitely not how things were supposed to go.

The way I saw it in my mind, she was supposed to nervously tell me that I had confessed that I was in love with her and then ask if I meant it and I was going to finally tell her how I’ve felt since day one and we’d kiss and make up and she’d be mine forever. But apparently that’s not how things are going to go and I was getting tired of things not going the way I planned.

I didn’t know whether to be furious or hurt and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her as she brushed past me and went to bed. I couldn’t help but to feel like the way I had been acting had pushed her to lie because she was scared of how I would react to the truth which made me feel worse than anything else.

The regret of not just coming out and telling her how I felt when she confronted me that night in Detroit was eating me alive. I had the perfect chance to admit myself right there and things could have been so much different than they are now. I could have her in my arms, her body curled into mine perfectly and everything would be the way it was supposed to be. But no, instead I fucking blew it because I was too scared of what I was feeling to spit it out and now she won’t even look me in the eye.

I was still scared shitless of everything I was feeling even if I had finally come to terms with it. I had never felt this way or this strongly about anyone else in my life. I didn’t know what to do or how to act or how to tell her. The timing never seemed right or just when I thought I was finally going to get it out, we were interrupted. And then there was the crippling fear that she might not even feel the same way about me and I’d end up looking like an idiot.

I still ended up looking like an idiot and not only hurting myself, but hurting the girl I was madly in love with. It had nearly killed me when I woke up yesterday morning to see her crying in her bunk, knowing that those tears that slid down her cheeks were because of me.

No matter how many times I wished I could go back and change everything, I couldn’t, and now all I had left was a broken heart. I desperately wanted to fix things I just didn’t know how. I couldn’t bring myself to ask Vinny or Danny for help, even though I knew they knew about my poorly kept secret, and so didn’t everyone else but I really didn’t care anymore. It was just some poor excuse so I didn’t have to face my feelings.

Reflecting on how badly I had fucked this up had seemed to become a nightly routine that was getting really old. I picked myself up off the couch and walked slowly to my empty bunk, ignoring the longing urge to crawl into hers instead and beg her to take me back, knowing it would be useless.

-x-

In the next few days to follow that night, I did my best to stay away from her, only talking to her when I had to, and not really making eye contact. It was hard, but having to see the pain flooded in her eyes and the fake half smile she tried to pass off as being okay was even harder to look at.
On the fourth day I had begun to think that maybe there was nothing I could do to make things better and that they were over for good. That’s right around the time that Alex grabbed me none too gently and dragged me onto the deserted bus a couple hour before the show.

“You need me to tell me what the actual fuck is going through your mind right now bro.” He said, pushing me down onto the couch and sitting on the one opposite from me. “I have no idea why the fuck you haven’t even tried to fix things yet.”

My eyes found their place on the floor again and shrugged.

“No.” Alex stated. “You are not going to sit there and shrug. You are going to give me one good reason why you’re letting a girl like that slip away from you without even trying.”

“I don’t know what to do or what to say.” I mumbled. I didn’t want to talk about this right now, or ever.

“Have you tried telling her that you’re madly in love with her because y’know, that might help.” Alex rolled his eyes. He definitely wasn’t hiding his annoyance with me.

“It won’t work even if I did.” I muttered.

“Well maybe if you stopped being such a fucking wimp and actually did it would.”

I didn’t know if it was Alex talking to me like I was four or the buildup of emotions over the past week that caused me to snap, but I did. “Well maybe I already fucking told her and she didn’t fucking believe me.” I yelled at him, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees.

“What? When the fuck did this happen?”

“I told her that night I was drunk and she didn’t believe me. And then I tried to bring it up the next day and she basically denied ever hearing it.” I told him.

Alex sighed loudly, “Well, then tell her again, sober.”

“Why? She’s not going to believe me. She doesn’t even believe in love.”

“Do you want to fix this?” He demanded.

“Yes!” I yelled, running my hand through my hair in frustration.

“Then man the fuck up and fucking tell her that you love her again. And if she doesn’t believe you tell her again. Tell her until she fucking believes you.” He yelled back.

“What if that’s not enough?”

“Then fucking show her.”

“How?”

He rolled his eyes again and I glared at him. He wasn’t making things any easier. There were a few moments of silence between us before Alex spoke again, this time not as angry.

“Okay look, her birthday is the day after tomorrow so that gives you a little over 24 hours for you to pull something spectacular out of your ass to make things up to her and show her that you love her.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“That’s for you to figure out. You know her best.” He said before standing up. “Just don’t blow it.”
And with that he walked off the bus leaving me to make a lot of plans in very little time.

-x-

Her POV

He’s still not taking to you.

It’s been a few days since the drunken incident and right after you woke up he went back to giving you the silent treatment, albeit, he didn’t give off that glacial coldness anymore. It was more of empty glances and emotionless smiles. Somehow in the past four days he was able to learn how to put up walls thick enough to keep you out. Now not only did you not know what he was thinking, you had no idea how he felt either. The vague glimpses of emotion in his eyes are what kept you in the loop, reflecting how he felt before he dropped his eyes to inspect the floor and now that was gone, replaced by a solid wall of nothing.

You were starting to think that he really didn’t want to fix things. He’s had so many chances to just walk up to you and beg for forgiveness, not that he’d need to beg because no matter how badly he hurt you you’d probably take him back. But now maybe it was better to leave things shattered on the floor than to try to pick them up and only get hurt again. And maybe taking him back would only end badly again because he can’t own up to the things he’s done wrong.

You were so confused and lost in your own mind that you didn’t even protest when Alex declared that they were going to party hard on your birthday and you had no choice but to join them; getting completely wasted and forgetting about him sounded pretty great anyway. A temporary fix is just what you needed, even if it was just for the night.

You were half way through setting up the merch booth and you were kinda behind today when you realized you had left your phone on the bus and you needed it to text Jack to pick up more Monsters for Danny and Vinny while he was on a booze run. You made your way back onto the bus, passing Alex on the way who looked extremely pleased with himself, for what reason you didn’t know. You were expecting the bus to be empty so you jumped when you saw him sitting on the couch.

He looked up from his phone and smiled at you; a genuine, full smile that actually reached his eyes. You almost smiled back when the thought that he could be and probably was texting someone, possibly a girl, and they were the reason for his sudden spark of cheerfulness, not you. You nod slightly at him before snatching your phone out of you bunk and walking off the bus.
You really needed to get a grip on all your insecurities but you really couldn’t help it, or help wondering why he was smiling after a week of moping around. Could he really be moving on that quickly? The thought made you cringe and tied your stomach in knots. It was definitely not something you wanted to spend any time thinking about. Maybe you should start looking for someone new too. You were surrounded by guys so it wouldn’t be that hard. Danny and Greico were both single and extremely good looking but you could never actually bring yourself to date one of his friends so soon. That was just cruel. Still, moving on might be a good choice, even if you had to force yourself to do it.

So it’s like this: Somethings aren’t meant to be put back together.