Forever and Always

‘Don’t you think it’s weird how we memorize almost all the lines in Harry Potter?’ I tell him through the phone, as I hear myself giggling. He laughed too, but it was as faint as a whisper. I pressed my lips. ‘Hey?’

‘We only have 5 months left.’ He said out of the blue, as I heard a big deep breath through the phone. I shivered precipitously, and it wasn’t the good kind of shiver, it was the bad. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t know what to reply after that. I mean, what was I supposed to say? Was i supposed to say ‘Isn’t it sad?’ or, ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s still a lot of time.’ Or, a simple, ‘I know.’ It was like, everything went black out and I just wanted to run away.

‘I just thought we have to stop.’ He said unanticipatedly, not waiting for me to reply. I shivered again, and it was worse than the first one. It was like my throat was blocked by something so big that I couldn’t do anything but listen to his rigid voice. It showed no emotion. It showed a complete different person. I was so confused. I wanted an explanation, but I didn’t know what to ask. And my clogged throat isn’t helping either. ‘I just can’t do this anymore.’ He added.

Long pause. I’m useless. I was helpless. Everything went on like a blur. It was like a direct hit and I didn’t even know where it came from. It was all so sudden that my mind couldn’t process what was happening right before my eyes, or rather, right before my ears. I strange knot kept on trying itself in my stomach and I wanted to hurl. I wanted it to stop.

‘Goodbye, I’m sorry. I just can’t go on. If I go further into this, I’ll just end up hurting you. I don’t want to lead you too far. I was never good with commitments and I know that, that is where we are headed. So I might as well stop it now. I know I will miss your voice, or the smiles I get whenever I read your messages. I will miss you. Being with you has been the best so far in my life. But this is for the good of everybody, in the long run. I can’t go on, I have to stop. And I’m really sorry, so damn sorry.’

And then beep, beep, beep.

You know what the funny thing is about this depressing situation? It was that, it took me almost half an hour just to take everything in. It happened so fast, that I didn’t even have the time to cry. And when I finally realized he was gone, I had the time of my life excreting salt water from my eyes. It went on for hours. I tried to keep myself in a positive aura, but it was no use, my mind went on around the words he said and it stayed there.

“Can’t.” Does that mean I’m not worth it? Does that mean he can’t do it because he doesn’t want to? What does “can’t” mean anyway? It’s a can and a not together right? Cannot? Cannot what? Cannot handle getting hurt? Cannot handle being with me? What?

“Lead you too far.” And there goes another phrase that left me hanging with nothing but his voice on the other line. It went on and on, repeating itself mindlessly around my head. And then the idea hit me. Leading on someone is bad right? I googled it and it means you’re making someone fall for you, and then not bother to catch them at all. I don’t think he meant to do that. I think... I don’t know. Google never lies, so far. But maybe it is now. For the very first time. Or maybe, I just don’t want to believe that he did lead me on, without any care if I do fall.

“Being with you has been the best so far in my life.” Then why did you leave me? I wanted to ask. Then why are you letting go of something that made you feel so alive? It was the best so far right? Then why not make it last? All these unasked questions filled my head with regret. I should’ve asked him, or just said something. Maybe, if I said something, I could’ve changed his decision. What ifs and maybes brimmed over my brain, until it finally gave up on me. And I found myself in a deep, silent, peaceful slumber.

7 months later, I still like him. And guess what? He’s leaving today. Yes, today. Leaving as in, stepping foot on an airplane and then flying off for over 500 miles away from me. Yep, that kind of leaving. And right now, I’m in between deciding to watch him off, or just idling myself apathetically around the house, doing nothing. But then, I didn’t want to let the same things happen to me again. I didn’t want to do the same mistakes and wander around the two words, ‘What’ and ‘if.’ I just don’t want to lie awake almost every night and ask myself those questions all over, and over again.

So, after hours of comprehending, I decided to go.

I tried practicing what I’m going to say if ever we do get a chance to have a small talk. But there was nothing. The thought of facing that familiar face again, just doesn’t help my tongue to stop knotting itself over and over again. Oh and by the way, I spend two hours trying to figure out what to wear, and after fumbling around my closet, I finally managed to clear my mind up. I arrived at a conclusion, where I will be wearing my black leggings, with just a long T-shirt that said the letter K. I know it’s quite simple in terms of how long I spent deciding, but I didn’t want to show him that I wanted to put an effort, even though I did in reality. I just didn’t want him to notice that.

I found myself walking back and forth around the airport with no one else. I couldn’t help but bite my nails in pure anxiety. I decided to sit inside a certain restaurant to avoid looking like a complete lunatic but I was immediately forced by one waitress to stay away. “No order, no sitting.” That’s what she said. I snickered and went back to my activity and went on for ages, after I saw his family.

I could see his youngest brother skipping outside their blue car who was followed by two of his other brothers. And there he came, with his glasses and his white striped jacket. He walked behind their car and opened the back compartment where he grabbed two huge luggage and dropped them down just by his side. His mother grabbed him in for a hug and kissed his forehead. And after that, they waited.

I waited too. But waited for what? I know I should’ve went up to them and just said my last few words of goodbye or something like that since there was nothing else to wait for. But I still waited. But I waited for nothing, and I knew I was wasting time.

But until then, I moved involuntarily, towards him. Towards the face that I knew so well, that knew me so well too. To the face that was once something so beautiful to something I am now dreading to see. To the face, that was now in shock to find me here.

‘Hey.’ I say, in a whisper.

He nods, not saying anything. He seemed to shake, and stared hesitantly at his family. They picked up his stare the moment they met his gaze. His mom guided his three brothers away and gave a wry smile at me. I smiled back, weakly. ‘We’ll by the ice cream house if you need house.’ She said, and walked away.

And by that moment on, we were alone.

‘Why are you here?’ he said, out of thin air, cutting through the excruciating silence. It wasn’t the type of greeting I wanted to get, but it was better than the dead air around us before he spoke.

‘I wanted to see you off.’ I managed to speak up.

He frowns grimly. ‘I already told you, you have to forget about----‘

Not this again. I thought. And before he could say the same words he told me that night, I interrupted him with all the words I practiced earlier that morning.

‘Look, I tried forgetting you. I really did. Swear. But it didn’t work did it?’ I told him, unaware that I was mildly half-shouting. ‘It’s just, this will be the very last time that I will make things okay again. I know we’re bound to move on and forget about our feelings, but you have to admit it, there’s no use trying to forget about each other.’ I swallowed, hard. Then I noticed my cheeks starting to burn. But I can’t stop now. This is my very last chance, when I was about to speak again. He cuts me off.

‘I’ll never forget you, I know that. But I can’t risk hurting you. That’s why I stopped.’ He said, calmly, not like me, doing my half-shouts. ‘I know you wanted a translucent explanation, and here it is. I knew you knew that we had limited time and that it wasn’t enough. And I want to be with you, never doubt that. But it’s not the right time. You knew that. Don’t lie to yourself.’ He breathed, clutching his jacket. ‘Now, that’s why I left you, I had to stop you from falling any further. The greater the fall, the harder you will be able to stand back up. Well here I am, letting you stand back up. And you have no other choice but to regain your balance and move on. It’ll be hard, but trust me; it would’ve been harder if we didn’t stop.’

I couldn’t speak, not anymore. Not in this situation. The calmness yet the seriousness in his voice and in his face turned me off guard. What I expected him to do was shove me away, and watch him silently get on the plane and never see him again. But this was different; this was out of my expectations. This was unbearable. I held my tears back, trying to be as strong as I can be. I want to show him, that I can be hard as solid, when it comes to moments like these. But I can’t.

‘Hey, hey, hey.’ He said in a hushed voice, as he cupped my face in between his lanky fingers. I flinched a bit. ‘See, I’m not even gone and you’re already crying. Do you get my point now?’ he wiped away my tears with his thumb and then pulled me in for a hug. ‘I’m going to miss you.’

But before I could have said anything, he pulled away and whispered something again, staring directly at me. Then everything was a blur, the last thing I remembered was him giving hugs to his family and walking towards a transparent door, waving the moment we walked in. I don’t even remember if I waved back, or even smiled.

The moment the plane took off, I could still feel him. His warmth. His voice. And the very last words he spoke to me before he walked away. ‘Who knows, we might see each other again, and maybe, just maybe, the odds may be in our favour.’