Diary of a Lost Girl
11th August
6:14am - Life at the hospital has been pretty rough recently. I've spent most of my time sleeping or lost in a book. My mood has been ridiculously low. To the point where I've had the strongest urges to run away and attempt suicide again. But I've fought against it, and it was so hard, so that I could come home today. I kept telling myself "Don't run away, don't kill yourself, you'll be home soon" and that is purely what has kept me going through the past days.
"I either want to be completely recovered or completely emaciated. It's the inbetween that I can't stand, the limbo of failure where you know you haven't done your best at one of the other: living or dying." - Marya Hombacher
The quote above summarizes my feelings completely. I'm fucking sick of being in limbo. Torn between recovery and relapse. Not knowing which way I want to go. Pushing myself to take the right path, but falling down the wrong path. I've hit the self destruct button and I'm slowly relapsing. I've turned back into the hurricane of darkness that I once was, what I moved on from. I can feel it taking over me again and I can't stop it. I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess. And I'm stuck.
I've had a drastic change in mood. What my medication is meant to prevent. Bipolar affective disorder is one of the most difficult disorders to live with. I thought my medication had stopped it, but it hasn't. I've swung from being depressed to something completely different. I've arrived home and I can't sleep. I'm excited. And I don't know what for. I'm high, I'm happy. But it's artificial. It won't last. But right now, I don't care. I've been awake all night and my head is a mess that doesn't make any sense. I'll be surprised if what I'm writing actually comes out coherent because my head is completely disorganized.
I've got plans for today. Self destructive plans. I'm going to get stoned and drunk. I've been sober for far too long. I miss self medicating. I miss how it helped me, how drugs and alcohol saved my life completely. And I'm going to rely on them again. I miss the times when I was stoned or drunk every single day. It helped me deal with everything. Last time I got stoned, I passed out and afterwards I suffered an episode of drug induced psychosis. For a few days I was convinced that everyone, including my own family, were evil demons in human skin. Psychosis. Such a weird thing. But I don't even care anymore. I need to be stoned. I need to be happy.
I'm relapsing back to everything I used to be. My moods have changed. I'm getting stoned again. And I don't even care. It's a big fuck you to my doctors. They won't fix me. They won't make me better. I won't let them. I want to be better. I don't want to be better.
"I either want to be completely recovered or completely emaciated. It's the inbetween that I can't stand, the limbo of failure where you know you haven't done your best at one of the other: living or dying." - Marya Hombacher
The quote above summarizes my feelings completely. I'm fucking sick of being in limbo. Torn between recovery and relapse. Not knowing which way I want to go. Pushing myself to take the right path, but falling down the wrong path. I've hit the self destruct button and I'm slowly relapsing. I've turned back into the hurricane of darkness that I once was, what I moved on from. I can feel it taking over me again and I can't stop it. I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess. And I'm stuck.
I've had a drastic change in mood. What my medication is meant to prevent. Bipolar affective disorder is one of the most difficult disorders to live with. I thought my medication had stopped it, but it hasn't. I've swung from being depressed to something completely different. I've arrived home and I can't sleep. I'm excited. And I don't know what for. I'm high, I'm happy. But it's artificial. It won't last. But right now, I don't care. I've been awake all night and my head is a mess that doesn't make any sense. I'll be surprised if what I'm writing actually comes out coherent because my head is completely disorganized.
I've got plans for today. Self destructive plans. I'm going to get stoned and drunk. I've been sober for far too long. I miss self medicating. I miss how it helped me, how drugs and alcohol saved my life completely. And I'm going to rely on them again. I miss the times when I was stoned or drunk every single day. It helped me deal with everything. Last time I got stoned, I passed out and afterwards I suffered an episode of drug induced psychosis. For a few days I was convinced that everyone, including my own family, were evil demons in human skin. Psychosis. Such a weird thing. But I don't even care anymore. I need to be stoned. I need to be happy.
I'm relapsing back to everything I used to be. My moods have changed. I'm getting stoned again. And I don't even care. It's a big fuck you to my doctors. They won't fix me. They won't make me better. I won't let them. I want to be better. I don't want to be better.