Throw Your Fantasy Away to Fate

Get out of the bunk. Get out. Of the bunk. Get. Out. Of it., I say to myself as I stare up at the roof of it. 
Even though I have a long day ahead of me, I can't find the fucking motivation to open this curtain and jump out of this godforsaken bunk. It's not a hard action, Tony. Just get out of bed. 
I let out a sigh and finally lift my arm up and pull the curtain back. I  lean my head out and look ahead. To my surprise, it's an empty bus. No wonder why it was so quiet. 
I jump out of the bunk and feel my head spin, guess it's better than a full on hang over. Then I remember about how different this morning would have been if Jaime hadn't saved me from sleeping with that random chick last night. It's always a huge hassle trying to escort the girl off the tour bus and not giving her your number for a 'next time'. 
I shake my head at myself as I walk into the small rest room we have. I look into the mirror and as expected, the same sad expression stares back, making me look away and splash water on my face. As I reach for a towel to dry my face, my phone goes off. I walk to my bunk as I dry my face and check who it might be. An unknown number. 
Since I'm on tour, it could be anyone, so I answer. 
"Hello?", I say and clear my throat right after as I realize how groggy my voice sounds. 
Silence. 
"Uh- hello?", I repeat. 
"T-Tony....?", a female voice says. 
My heart drops as I recognize whose voice it belongs to. No- no, I can't be her. Why would it be her? 
"Y-yes....?"
"Tony...", she says is a hushed voice. 
"Who is this?", I ask eagerly, gripping my phone tighter in my hand. I start to grow nervous and anxious, my hands sweating, my heart practically beating out of chest. Even when she's out of my life, she makes me feel this way. 
"I- Tony- it's- I-", she stutters. 
"Paloma? Paloma, is this you?"
Please say yes, please. 
She sighs. "Tony this is Stephanie.."
Everything inside of me collapses and I feel like falling to floor. "Stephanie...", I say in monotone. I feel the tears burn my eyes as I realize that this isn't her. It's not Paloma.. Of course it's not her. Why would it be her? Haven't I gotten it through my thick skull that she's out of my life for good now? Guess not.
"Yeah... I'm sorry if you're busy.."
I stay silent, speechless and still dumbfounded. 
"But I was just wondering if there was any way I could see you again. To say sorry, to give you an actually apology for everything that's happened between us. I gave you three years of my life, Tony. I know a lot happened and you could say no- I just- you were my best friend and I don't want to end on a bad note with you any more. You gave me most of my good times. I miss you."
Still, pretty shocked, I stay silent. What am I supposed to say anyway? No? That I don't want to see her or accept her apology? Then what? What am I gaining from that? I'm just going to go back to my lonely, sad, drunk life. There's nothing else I have in my life. I meet up with Stephanie, we end on good terms, and hey, maybe I'll even end up getting back with her. She's a better option than those random chicks I've been picking up. 
I just miss being with someone who actually knows me and how I am.. 
Stephanie couldn't have chosen a better time to call me. 
"We'll be in San Diego soon... We could talk that day."
She sighs in relief. "S-seriously? You want to talk to me?"
"I guess I do..."
"W-well... Thanks... Seriously.. I didn't think you would want to.."
"I've had a lot to think about these past few weeks.."
"Right... And.. Paloma? She's okay with this?"
My heart stops at the sound her name. "Paloma isn't... She-" How am I supposed to say it? Even weeks after all the shit that happened with her- I still can't even say it. "Look- I'll see you in Soma in about five days, alright? We'll talk then."
"Oh- okay, yeah. Are you- do you really want to.."
"Yes, Stephanie, I do want to see you. Despite everything that happened, I think we both just need to clear our heads from everything."
"Right, yeah, exactly.."
I nod, forgetting that she obviously can't see me. "Yeah."
"I've missed you."
Should I say it back? Do I miss her? My mind wonders back, way back, to those times with Stephanie. Back before Paloma was even in my life. A little part of me gets sad, everything is so different now. I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Stephanie. Maybe I am still. Is it just a coincidence that she'd call at this exact point in my life? Maybe what happened between Paloma and I- those feelings I had- and still have- was just a phase. Maybe Stephanie is supposed to be in my life, maybe I'm supposed to stay with her. 
Well at this point, I'm not fighting it anymore. There's nothing left to lose. 
"I'll see you soon, Steph. Ill see you soon.", I say. 
"Could I text you?"
"Yeah... If you want, yeah."
"Okay... Bye Tony."
"Bye."
I hang up and set my phone down on my bunk and sigh. This might be a good thing or another bad decision. 
Just then, I hear the door open and see Jonny and Jaime walk in. 
"Tony! You're up!", Jonny says as he walks up to me.
I nod and grin as he walks into the restroom. 
"What's up, Tone? Get some good sleep?", Jaime asks and pats my shoulder. 
I nod. "Hey-", I start to say as I want to tell him that Stephanie just called me. But then I think, why? Why should I tell him? He's just going to think it's a bad idea and that I'm just trying to get laid again. He's going to think she's just another distraction. 
And he couldn't be more right if he would think that. 
"Yeah?"
"Um, where- where were you guys at?"
"Just looking over the equipment for today's show. We got the tent set up already. You okay?"
I nod. "Yup. Where's Vic?"
"Chilling outside. Get yourself cleaned up and hang man! Homies everywhere- as always! I have to make a quick call."
I nod and start to walk to the door of the tour bus. "I don't need to change clothes- I'm fine.", I say completely unmotivated for the day. 
Jaime shrugs. "You smell like whiskey and sweat."
"Everyone on this tour does.", I say and wave him off, walking out the the door. 
I stop Mike, Vic, and a couple of friends all under a tent having some cold beers. 
I sigh and walks towards them. Different day, same shit. 
I just want to skip setting up, I want to skip talking with people, I want to skip all of that and just go straight on that stage and play. I want to forget about all the shit going on in my head. Then after the show- I'll proceed to get drunk with friends and then repeat it the next day. Maybe I'll even snag up a girl. As much as I hate these thoughts- I always end up doing them. Because it feels good to get drunk and feel nothing and it feels good to have sex with a person and feel something even though you know it means absolutely nothing. 
Fuck. 
What is wrong with me?
Maybe when I meet up with Stephanie things will change. I find myself holding on to that thought for the rest of the day. 

But just as I predicted;
"Wanna get out of here?", she asks as she kisses my neck. I look down at her, her hazel eyes staring back at me. She has long, black hair, like Paloma. Though it's not curly. Its silky and straight, running down her back. Her breath smells like mint and hint of some kind of vodka. 
My tongue is numb. My eyes are tired. But my mind is running wild. I need to stop it. 
"Hmm? How about we leave?"
Her hands grip my hips and all of a sudden I feel horrible. A feeling of disgust and hate comes into me. 
I don't want this. There has to be another answer for this. I can't keep living like this. There has to be another way to get over her. 
"Tony?" I hate the way she says my name. She isn't Paloma, why am I with her?
I slide out of her grip and start to walk away. "I- I have to go-", I slur out. 
Somehow, I make it to the tour bus and pound on the door. How do I end up at those random clubs? What the fuck?
"Open up! It's Tony!", I yell and pound on it. 
Minutes later, Vic opens the door and gives me a concerned look. "Dude, are you okay?"
I shove past him and run to the restroom, immediately throwing up in the toilet. "Fuck.", I groan. 
"What's going- oh.", Mai says, walking past the restroom. She shrugs it off, already knowing the story behind it. This has been happening too many times already. 
"Come on.", I hear. Someone lifts me up and walks me to my bunk. "Sleep it off."
I crawl into my bunk without another word and take my shirt off, laying my head down on my pillow. What a great feeling. 
I look up to see who was helping me and see Jaime staring down at me. Of course, Jaime. Vic and Mai behind him, also looking at me. 
"Go to sleep, man. Just go to sleep."
When I stare at Jaime, it feels like I'm kind of staring at Paloma. She has his lips. And his eye shape. At first, you wouldn't tell that they're related, but once you really look at them, you can't miss it. My heart starts to ache again and I regret not following that girl out of the club. I'd be having sex right now- not embarrassing myself in front of my friends. 
"I just want Paloma back.", I say barley above a whisper. Jaime gives me a pained look and pulls the blanket over me. 
"Goodnight Tony.", he says before shutting the curtain.  
I feel like suffocating myself. I feel so fucking helpless. Am I going to stay like this forever? Is this ever going to end?
Stephanie, Stephanie in a couple of days. 
But she's not Paloma.