I'll Be Okay

About 7 hours later, I found myself sitting on a crowded bus as it brings me north, a small rose laying on my lap. I fight off tears as the bus comes to a stop, the doors opening and letting off a handful of people. I followed the group, thanking the driver softly as I stepped down the stairs, the cool breeze hitting my face gently. I pulled my jacket tighter to my body, wrapping my arms around me as I began the long walk through a large park to get to my destination.

A family was sitting at one of the picnic tables, a large lunch surrounding them as they laughed and joked, fingers pointing at each other as their smiles grew. I felt my eyes grow wet and so I looked away, my eyes landing on a little girl standing beside the pond.

“Mum, look! A fishie!” She exclaimed, pointing downward as she giggled. Her mother walked over to her and smiled, nodding softly as the little girl jumped around. Wiping a stray tear, I quickened my pace and kept my eyes on the ground. I felt my lips begin to quiver as my mind thought back to my mother. She was practically my best friend. No matter what happened in my life, she was there to push me through it. Considering my so called ‘father’ left her while she was still pregnant with me at the age of 17, my mother has been the only one I could truly depend on. And now that she’s gone, along with my best friend, who do I go to?

‘H--hga-e Cemetery’ was written in bold letters above me on an old sign, a few letters missing completely. The tombstones were littered everywhere as I ran my fingers through my tangled hair. I wiped a stray tear as I navigated my way through the stones, my eyes watering as I got closer and closer. Standing in front of the large tombstone, I felt another tear slip down my cheek as I fell to my knees, my eyes running over the carved letters. ‘In Loving Memory of Mary C. Greene. Rest in Peace. August 3rd, 1976 to May 26, 2011.’ A few more tears ran down my cheeks.

“I miss you. So much.” I whispered, placing the single rose in front of her grave. “Today’s your birthday. You’d be 35.” I added, wiping away a few tears. “I just needed to talk to you because I am so…I’m really messed up right now. My medication is working, for the most part, but I still think about you, I still think about hurting myself, and my therapist keeps telling me I shouldn’t. I just can’t help but wish that everything was different. I want you back here. So bad.” I whispered the last part, dropping my head into my hands. I sniffled loudly, wiping my nose with the back of my hand before I placed them in my lap. “I used to never leave Aunt Janette’s house but now that’s all I want to do. She’s changed. She’s telling me all of these things that are making me really angry and I just can’t live there anymore. I’m about ready to move out. And, well, I’ve met someone. You’d approve. He has tattoos, he’s famous, and he’s very attractive.” I let out a soft laugh before I quickly covered my mouth. “He’s taught me how to smile and laugh all over again, and he’s a real gentleman. He’s really sweet and he knows not to push me. I’ve known him for a good three weeks and he hasn’t asked me about you.

“I’m sure Jenn has said something but he hasn’t asked me. Which I prefer it that way. I don’t think I’m ready to tell him yet.” I whispered. I reached forward, placing my hand on the cool marble. Running my fingers over the letters, I let another tear fall. “Is Rose with you? I miss her too.” I whispered, and suddenly I felt a breeze run over me. “I don’t have enough money to take a train all the way back to Wolverhampton to visit her tombstone so I guess this is the best I can do, huh? Rose, I love you. And I miss you. I can’t believe I’m still going without you.” I let a shaky breath go, my tears falling again. Another breeze ran over me and I felt my hair fall over my shoulder. They’re here. “I’ll never forget you. You will always be my best friend; whether you’re here or not. And mum, I love you.” I let another breath go before I bit my lip, dropping my head. “I know you can hear me wherever you are. I wish it didn’t have to come down to this.” I muttered, wiping away a few tears.

I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket, the ring tone rising to meet my ears. Looking up at my mother’s tombstone, I stood, holding up my finger as if she could see that I told her to hold on a minute. Looking down at the display, I saw my cousin’s name flash across it, her picture behind it. I bit my lip and cleared my throat, pressing the green button.

“Where the hell are you, Lindsey!? I’ve been trying to call you for the past half an hour!” She exclaimed, letting out a steady breath.

“I’m sorry, I-” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“Where are you? You said you’d be home from Danny’s four hours ago! Explain yourself.” She shouted, and I winced, shaking my head.

“I needed to get away.” I whispered, and I heard Jenn breathe out softly. I turned around, my eyes roaming over her tombstone as tears began to roll down my cheeks again. “It’s her birthday.” I muttered, and Jenn sighed again.

“Lindsey, I’m sorry. Please come home. Or just tell me where you are. I’ll pick you up.” She said, and I shook my head, a few tears falling to the muddy floor. Wrapping the jacket around myself tighter, I bit my lip roughly.

“I don’t have a home, Jenn. I’ll talk to you later.” I spoke so softly that I’m not even sure she heard me before I quickly ended the call, shoving the phone in my front pocket. Walking forward, I placed my arms on the top of my mother’s tombstone as I let the tears fall. My head fell onto my arms as I leaned forward, my sobs racking through me as I let the pain finally hit me.

I don’t have a home. I don’t have a family. I have an aunt that doesn’t want me around and a cousin that’s using me for company. That is certainly not a family. I let all of my tears fall as my stomach clenched, the pain ripping through me. I’m all alone and no one is here to save me. I shook my head violently, my eyes blurry as I tried to look up at the sky. After a few moments, I watched the clouds shift over the sun and I was left with mere shadows.

“I’m all alone.” I stuttered out, pulling my jacket tighter to my body as I shook violently. “No one cares. No one cares.” I kept muttering, my body shaking as another gust of win overtook my body. Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate continuously in my pocket but I ignored it, my cousin’s ring tone filling the silent around me. Letting it go to voicemail, I forced my eyes shut as tears filled my eyes again. A few minutes passed before my phone vibrated again, but this time, a different ring tone filled the stilled air. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and quickly pressed the green button, his raspy voice filling my ears, calming me instantly.

“Lindsey,” he breathed, and I felt my eyes water all over again. “Jenn just called me; where are you?” He muttered, but I shook my head. Falling down to my knees, I leaned my head into my other hand as I clutched the phone tightly to my ear. A small sob fell through my lips and I cried, my eyes burning from the tears. “Lindsey? Why are you crying?” He whispered.

“D-Danny.” I stuttered, wiping my eyes furiously. I placed my forehead on the marble tombstone, wiping my eyes furiously. “I…I lied.” I spoke softly, my voice horse from crying. “I’m not okay.” I whispered, my voice quivered and I felt the tears fall faster. Holding in another sob, I shook my head roughly.

“Where are you? I’ll come and get you.” He spoke, his voice cracking slightly. I bit my lip, wiping my eyes. I felt a few wet drops fall on my cheeks, causing me to look up at the clouded sky. And as if on cue, a few raindrops fell from the sky and I felt my eyes grow heavy. “Jenn said you aren’t home. Where are you? Are you outside?” He asked, and I heard a door close roughly. “It’s about to rain and you better not be outside, Lindsey. You’ll get sick.” He muttered, and I shook my head. Clearing my throat, I wiped a few tears away.

“I had to see her, Danny. I miss her.” I choked out, my eyes watering again.

“You had to see who, Lindsey? Who?” It sounded like he started his car then, and I felt my body heat up at the action. He cares. He’s coming to get me. I bit my lip, my eyes locked with my knees as I felt raindrops fall on my back. I bit my lip, my eyes looking up at the sky as I felt the wind pickup. A few more raindrops fell before I heard a large bang in the sky. Thunder. “Whoever she is, let me talk to her. I’ll need directions-” he started but I cut him off, my eyes closing tight as I spoke.

“No. It’s my…my mum. She’s dead, Danny.” I voice rang out and I heard the strain in it. I sound so tired, so sad, so lifeless. I opened my eyes, numerous tears cascading down my swollen cheeks. “She- she died three months ago.” I whispered and I heard his intake of breath. Finally. I told him. I let my breathing calm before I heard him speak again.

“Lindsey, I’m sorry.” He whispered. A few moments passed before the wind picked up, my arm going around my waist as Danny spoke. “I know your outside; I can hear the wind through the phone. Please, tell me where you are so I can come and get you. Lindsey, please.” He sounded so helpless, and I felt my tears thickening.

“Danny, I’m sorry, I can’t re-remember what this, this place is called. I think, I think Jenn knows-” I started but a loud strike of thunder caused me to jump, dropping my phone in the process. I quickly reached for it, my hand reaching into the puddle to retrieve my phone but the call was already dropped, my screen black. The puddle fried my phone. I felt a whole new set of emotions run through me and I continued to sob, my tears falling freely as I leaned forward, my body getting soaked by the constant rain. Perfect.