I'll Be Okay

We sat on his bed, face to face as I ran my hand over the blanket, blinking back tears. Danny decided it would be a lot more comfortable in here considering I could sit with the blankets over my legs to keep me warm. My legs were crisscrossed under the blankets and he was sitting facing me, his legs crisscross as well but above the blankets. I took a deep breath. Finally, I can tell someone.

“My mum passed away due to breast cancer three months ago.” I muttered, a small tears slipping down my cheek. It was dark out now, the light from both side tables beside his beds were on, but that was it; the only lights consuming us. He shut down his entire apartment so we could talk in peace. I looked up and Danny’s mouth was slightly ajar. I nodded my head slowly, playing with the pattern on the blanket. “She got diagnosed and my aunt stayed with us for a while to keep company. It was a shock at first, but I got comfortable bringing her to the hospital for checkups and x-rays and everything.” I spoke so softly that it was hard for me to hear myself. I cleared my throat, speaking up. “I ended up dropping out of college to afford the hospital visits because my mum ended up losing her job. It was so hard finding the money that I ended up picking up a part time job at some coffee shop near my house in Wolverhampton.” I whispered, and Danny was watching me intently. He leaned forward, listening to my soft voice as I spoke. “Well, eventually we lost the house and we moved in with my aunt. She never helped me with my mum and her cancer got so bad that they needed to keep her at the hospital for weeks because her heart was failing.” I stuttered out, my voice cracking as I relived the memory.

“What’s wrong? What’s happening?” I exclaimed, running into my mother’s hospital room. Her monitor was making a funny sound and she was looking pale. I ran to her side and gripped onto her hand, my fingers shaking in fear. My mother looked up at me with a soft smile, her eyes dull from all of the oxygen and medication. I felt a few tears fall as the doctor rushed around us.

“Lindsey, I love you.” My mother whispered, her lips a ghostly white. My eyes were brimming with tears and I felt my whole heart collapse. She’s so vulnerable. “Don’t ever forget that, okay? Please, don’t lose that spark in your eye because of me. I will always be with you,” she whispered, and my heart broke in two.

“Lindsey?” Danny whispered, grabbing my attention. I looked up at him and wiped away a stray tear. Clearing my throat, I continued.

“I was with her every single day. She kept telling me to go home and rest but I couldn’t. What if she disappeared without me there? I needed to be with her as much as possible before…the end. It was so hard, Danny, watching her slip away from me.” I muttered, a few more tears falling down my cheeks. He reached forward, wiping them away. “And the day she passed away, I couldn’t talk to anybody. Because my life was over.” I spat, shaking my head angrily. “Because do you want to know what happened a few months before that? My best friend died in a car accident. Because of me.” I said, covering my face with my hands. Danny reached forward and pried them away, shaking his head furiously. “She was on her way to my house for my birthday and some asshole ran her off of the road! She was flung from her vehicle and trapped under the other car with too much blood loss. I found her and I watched my best friend die, Danny. I watched my best friend and my mother die.” I spoke so clear that I couldn’t believe how calm I sounded. But by the end of the sentence, my voice was cracking and tears were slipping down my cheeks.

“Lindsey, I, I’m sorry. No one deserves that-” he started, and I cut him off, shaking my head.

“That’s when everything went downhill. Because things have changed in my life and I’m not the same as I used to be.” I whispered, and Danny raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” He whispered, and I looked down, staring down at the pattern on his bed.

“I suffer from a few…disorders.” I whispered. Looking up, Danny’s eyes caught mine as he furrowed his eyebrows. “They’re, um, they’re so bad that I have to take…medication…every morning.” The breath left his mouth and I watched as his eyes grew slightly large. Taking another deep breath, I kept talking. “I have a very severe case of anxiety.” I uttered, running a hand through my messy hair. “Which means that I worry a lot, and I stress out a lot, and it’s really hard for me to stop. It takes over my mind sometimes and I don’t think straight. I panic and over-think everything. My heart even elevates and I can’t breathe. I’ve had it for I don’t know how long, but it’s gotten worse after my-” I stopped short, my breath hitching in my throat.

“Your mum?” He whispered, and I nodded slowly. I looked up and he was watching me intently, hanging off of every word I spoke.

“I also have, uh, PTSD and depression.” I muttered, and I avoided all eye contact. I am so pathetic. Danny’s mouth hung open slightly but I ignored it. Shaking my head, I cleared my throat and kept talking. “The depression makes it hard for me to be happy anymore. Do you remember the first time I met you? I didn’t know how to smile. After my best friend’s and my mother’s death, smiling was something completely surreal to me. I couldn’t be happy because what’s the point? Everything that would make me happy was gone. I stopped eating, I stopped going out, and I just stopped being…Lindsey. My whole life slipped upside-down and it hurt me. That’s why I…” I stopped talking, looking down at my wrists, hidden below his sweatshirt. Danny reached forward, revealing my wrists to me. “That’s why I harm myself. Because nothing’s the same and I just want the pain to end.” I whispered, a few tears slipping down my cheeks.

“Lindsey,” he whispered, reaching forward and placing both of his hands on either sides of my face. My eyes met his and I felt my lips tremble. “You need to understand that when you harm yourself, you are hurting others too. You aren’t alone anymore. Whether they show it or not, your aunt and your cousin care about you. I care about you. Jesus, the lads care about you! When you locked yourself in that bathroom, Lindsey, they wanted to come with me because they know what it’s like. They know how it feels to be hurt. Dougie has been in your shoes and seeing another important person to me in this same situation…it’s hard to do it alone.” He whispered, running one of his hands along my cheek. A few more tears fell and I felt my breathing hitch. “You can’t put yourself in that position anymore, Lindsey. It hurts me too much to see you doing that to yourself. I can’t lose you.” His voice grew immediately soft and he pulled me into a tight hug. I felt my lips tremble as small tears fell.

“I’m, I’m sorry. I never thought of it like that.” I whispered, and Danny placed his head on my shoulder, holding me tight. I felt my heart beat repeatedly into my chest that I thought I was going to explode. He cares about me, I’m important to him, he can’t lose me… He really cares. Pulling back, Danny wiped my tears and smiled sadly.

“What’s PSDT?” He asked, and I bit my lip, running a hand through my hair again. Despite the situation, a small smile grew on my lips.

“PTSD. It stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” I whispered, running a hand over my face. I sighed softly and looked Danny in the eye. “Your mum explained it as a disorder that pretty much means that I relive the trauma I’ve been through. It just means that I experience flashbacks, nightmares, and a lot of memories of the trauma. I avoid places and people that reminds me of my losses and I just push it all away.” I whispered, nodding soft as Danny sits back, taking in all of the information I’ve given him. “I get so many flashbacks during the day and I just blackout, everything around me blurring as I relive the memory. It’s a lot clearer at night when I’m sleeping. Ever since my mother, I’ve had a nightmare numerous times a week where I just see her pass away. And I see the funeral but my dreams are watching myself experience it. Seeing the pain in my eyes and the emotions on everyone’s faces hurts. I hate experiencing it but when your mum explained PTSD to me, she pretty much said that it will never go away.” My voice quivered slightly and I wrapped my arms around myself. “I hate reliving it.” I whispered, my eyes focused on the wall over Danny’s right shoulder.

“Does your medication work?” He whispered, and I shrugged my shoulders softly.

“It does and it doesn’t. I take something called Klonopin for my anxiety and Prozac for depression. I mean, it works fine but I just feel so numb by the end of the day. I don’t feel like myself.” I shook my head and Danny reached forward, pulling me into a tight hug. “I’m so pathetic it’s ridiculous.” I whispered and Danny shot back, an incredulous look on his face.

“What? Lindsey, you are not ridiculous! You just went through two incredibly life changing events. No one is expecting you to get back up on your feet right away. You are trying so hard and everyone can see that. Just because you have to take medication and see a therapist does not, in any way, make you pathetic or stupid! I think you are so incredibly strong, Lindsey, seriously. You have so much strength that it actually shocks me. You have all of these disorders that you’re explaining to me and yet every day you look like a normal girl. No, you are a normal girl. Seriously, you are not pathetic. You are so strong.” His speech hit me hard and I felt a few tears fall down my swollen cheeks. “You went through some hard struggles but you’re finally looking up. Don’t doubt yourself.”

“But you don’t know what it’s like to be worthless, or that nothing you do matters. I am trying so hard to be normal and it hurts because I will never be that. My best friend and my mother are gone; I have no family left. I’m by myself in a house with an aunt that could care less if I’m around and a cousin that only wants me for my company. I have nobody left and I might as well just run away, or-or find somewhere else to go-” Danny cut me off as he covered my mouth with his hand. My tears ran over his outstretched hand and he sighed softly.

“You aren’t alone, Lindsey. I’m here. I will always be here. I will never stop caring about you.” He whispered, but I shook my head furiously. Stumping to my feet, I wiped my tears and ran my hand through my hair.

“You shouldn’t though! You shouldn’t have to stop what you’re doing to come rescue me from killing myself! You shouldn’t be following me to a cemetery in the pouring rain because I’m alone and upset! And you shouldn’t be there for me because I don’t deserve that! I don’t deserve a person like you because you are perfect and I am some fucked up girl that wants to just kill herself and be done with it all! I don’t deserve you because you have the perfect life and you are wasting it on me; a girl who would rather run away than stay here and be mentally abused by her aunt!” I let my words slip out in a loud breath as I tried to keep my head calm. Everything was running around in my mind and I felt myself grow dizzy. And the next thing I knew, I was on my knees on the floor, Danny knelt down in front of me, holding my shoulders up as I cried loudly. “Why do you even care about me? I mean, just look at me.” I whispered, wiping my tears as they continuously fell. Danny sighed, running a hand through his hair as he sat back on his feet.

“I care about you because you’re in pain, Lindsey. I want to help you because I know what it’s like to be hurting. When I was 16 and bullied, all I wanted was a friend. But no one cared until McFly happened. And I promised myself that if I saw anybody that was hurting and needed a friend…that I would be there for them, because I know what it feels like to have no one. I know you think you’re pathetic and useless, but I see past that. I see past your pain and I know that after all of the medication and loss, you can be happy. You deserve to be happy and I want to help you see that.” He whispered, looking into my eyes as he spoke. “You need to understand that you deserve to be happy, Lindsey.” I felt my heart swell at his words and I did the only thing I thought was right; I hugged him.

“Thank you.” I whispered, placing my head in the crook of his neck as he held me tight. My hand grasped his shirt tightly and I felt my heart beat repeatedly in his chest. We stayed on the floor for I don’t know how long until my tired eyes took a look at the alarm clock on his nightstand; 1:23 in the morning. “It’s late.” I whispered, burying my head deeper into his neck. He chuckled softly at my movement before he started to pull back.

“We should get to bed.” He whispered back, just as softly. I sat back and wiped my face with the back of my hands. Looking up at his bed, I felt a blush shade my cheeks as I stood, turning my body toward the door. “Where are you going?” He asked softly, raising an eyebrow as he stood, standing in front of my pathway toward the door. I raised an eyebrow as well, pointing to the hallway. He spoke before I got the chance. “Why don’t you sleep in here tonight? You just told me all about your past, what if you have a nightmare? This time, I’ll be there.” He said, whispering the last sentence as he smiled softly. I couldn’t see his expression very well in the dark but his eyes were sparkling and I felt the butterflies in my stomach flutter about.

“Okay.” I whispered, crawling onto the bed. I slipped under the blankets where I had been before and Danny took the other side, shrugging off his t-shirt and tossing it on the chair in the corner. Through the darkness, I watched his broad shoulders and chest flex as he reached for the blanket and pulled it over his body. Flushing a deep shade of red, I laid down on my back and stared up at the ceiling, the only light coming from the two lamps on the bedside tables. Reaching over, I turned the one on my side off and turned onto my side, looking over at Danny. He smiled softly and did the same, emerging us into darkness as he turned to face me as well.

“Thank you, Lindsey, I know that was really hard for you.” He whispered, facing me completely as he practically lay in the middle of the bed. I felt his leg touching mine and I blushed, closing my eyes softly as today’s events replayed in my mind,

“Thank you for coming to get me. How did you know how to get there?” I whispered, my eyes fluttering open as they ran over his features. He smiled sheepishly and chuckled, shaking his head.

“I called Jenn for the name. I kind of guessed that’s where you would be when you said your mother-” he stopped short, shaking his head softly as he closed his eyes. “And that’s where my grandmother was buried so I already knew the way. Now go to sleep. It’s been a long day.” He muttered, and I heard the tiredness into his voice. I blushed softly and nodded, reaching forward and touching his hand that was placed on the mattress between us. Breathing softly, I closed my eyes and spoke softly.

“Thank you, Danny. Goodnight.” I whispered, and I finally let sleep overcome me. But right before I slipped into a peaceful sleep, I felt Danny kiss my forehead and whisper softly into my ear.

“Goodnight, love.”