I'll Be Okay

“Lindsey, how are you feeling?” Dr. Jones pressed a half an hour into our session. I bit my lip, looking down at my fingers as I ran them through my blond hair. A few moments passed as I thought, trying to put my thoughts into words. I’ve been seeing Dr. Jones for nearly 7 weeks, two sessions per week and it’s taken me that amount of time to feel the slightest bit comfortable talking about my problems. Still, though, I haven’t told her everything. “You do know that whatever you say in here, stays in here, right? I’m required not to tell a soul.” She promised and I nodded, looking up at her.

“I’m okay, I just get this weird feeling every once in a while and it just feels like…” I paused trying to think of a good word to describe it. Dr. Jones sits forward, nodding.

“Loss?” She said, and I nodded, looking down before looking back up at her. “You’ve lost the two people that mean the most to you, it’s natural for you to feel upset and hurt. But please, tell me what’s going on in your head. Your aunt has called me a few times this week and she’s worried about you. She’s been saying that your locking yourself in your room a lot? We just want to know what you’re thinking so that we can help you, Lindsey.” I looked down at my thin wrists, biting my lip softly as my vision grew blurry.

For the rest of my session, I didn’t answer any more questions. Dr. Jones continued to ask them but I would just shake my head, twirling my hair. I couldn’t let her into my head; it’s a horrible place and no one should experience it. Dr. Jones was only trying to help me accomplish my fears and help me grow after I’ve been knocked down, but I just couldn’t come around to telling her everything. It hurt too much.

“Alright, I’ll see you next week, alright Lindsey?” Dr. Jones concluded as the clock stuck 12, and I nodded, standing slowly. I walked toward the door and Dr. Jones stood up, wrapping her arms around the clipboard. “Oh and Lindsey? Have some fun this weekend, okay?” She whispered and I looked over at her, nodding softly. I walked out the door, nodding my goodbye before making my way toward the elevator, my emotions running through my all at once.

I pressed the unlock button to my car as I rounded the corner, trying to avoid the rain as it came down so suddenly. I quickly drove home, the radio’s volume turned up some so it’d distract me from the rain. Pulling up to my aunt’s house, I felt my body getting drenched as I walked up to my front door.

“BUT MUM-”I walked through the front door to yelling, my aunt standing in front of the stairs as Jenn stood at the top,
I closed the door silently behind me and sighed, standing with my hands on my hips as the two in front of me threw words at each other. “I am going to this party whether you say yes or not!” Jenn screamed, slamming her bedroom door behind her. Aunt Janette turned to me, rubbing a hand through her hair before she smiled half heartedly.

“Hi,” was all I whispered, walking past my aunt quickly before running up the stairs, making my way into the spare bedroom; my room ever since my mother’s death. I was just about to close my door behind me when Jenn came walking in, closing it behind her instead. “Sure, come on in.” I rolled my eyes, grabbing my laptop from the desk beside me and sitting Indian style on my bed, the laptop balancing on my knees.

“My mum is such a bitch,” Jenn spat. Even though we aren’t particular close, Jenn found it normal to walk into my room unannounced and talk to me about anything and everything. I’m not really fazed by it because it has been happening nearly every day ever since I moved in two months ago. Honestly, I liked the company.

“What happened this time?” I asked, scrolling through my Twitter page as Jenn flopped backwards on my bed, covering her eyes with her hands. I didn’t crack a smile; instead I just let out a quiet laugh that hardly moved my lips. To be honest, I haven’t properly smiled since my best friend’s death just four months earlier. Why smile if there’s nothing to be happy about?

“Remember how I mentioned a party? Well, she won’t let me go! It’s just a small party at a club-” Jenn sighed as I interrupted her.

“Since when is a party at a club small?” I spoke up, and Jenn shrugged, sitting up.

“Whatever, someone said that there will be famous people there! Anyway, she said I couldn’t go unless I brought you. And everyone knows that Lindsey Greene does not go to clubs-” Jenn let her mouth do the talking and I shook my head, catching my cousin’s attention. “-what?” I thought back an hour earlier; those few words Dr. Jones had said to me when I was walking out the door. Oh and Lindsey? Have some fun this weekend, okay? Rolling my deep brown eyes, I sighed.

“I’ll go.” I whispered and Jenn’s eyes grew wide. I have never agreed to do anything fun with her, so this was big.

“Are you sure?” Jenn asked, still looking completely shocked. I nodded slowly, closing my laptop softly before slipping it back on the desk. “Why?” Jenn found herself asking and I shrugged, picking at my nails.

“Why not?” I fought back, and Jenn giggled. “Just under two conditions. One, I am not dancing. And two, if you leave me all alone, I will be royally pissed.” I spoke and Jenn nodded quickly, grinning from ear to ear. She pulled me into a hug quickly before jumping up, pulling me to her feet. “What?”

“We need to pick you out something to wear!” Jenn shrieked, pulling me to her closet. I quickly started regretting saying I’d go. When 6 o’clock came around that night, I was dressed in a pair of white skinny jeans, a cute pink shirt, and black wedged shoes. I let my hair fall down in loose curls, my bangs clipped to the side. I waiting at the bottom of the stairs with my keys in hand, waiting impatiently for Jenn to emerge from her room.

“Where are you going?” Aunt Janette asked as she walked out of the kitchen, looking me up and down with a raised eyebrow. Before I could answer, Jenn came bouncing down the stair in a tight turquoise dress, her black pumps clattering on the wood stairs. “Jenn, I thought I said-” Jenn cut her mother off, raising her hand to stop her.

“Mum, you said I couldn’t go to the party UNLESS Lindsey tags along. And oh, would you look at that! There’s Lindsey, ready to part-ayy!” Jenn moved her hips before bumping hers with mine, sending me klutzily to the side. I caught myself before I fell face first and rolled my eyes, gesturing toward the door.

“Fine, have fun.” Aunt Janette muttered, patting me on the back before she made her way back to the kitchen. Her daughter grinned and giggled, grabbing my hand and pulling me outside. I had decided that I would drive, considering Jenn’s plan was to get wasted. Sliding into the front seat of my Volkswagen, I turned to my cousin.

“Don’t forget my rules. I am not dancing and you better not ditch me! or I will consider leaving your ass at the club, got it?” I warned, but she noticed the spark in my eyes. Jenn turned to me as she grinned, crossing her legs.

“Ok, whatever! I just need to dance!”