I'll Be Okay

“What did they say they were doing after the interview?” Emily asked, turning to Gio. The interview ended shortly after and the four of us were just sitting around, planning their days for when the lads were gone on tour. Jenn shrugged and I just shook my head, not having a clue.

“I think Tom said something about meeting their tour manager at the studio.” She shrugged and Emily just nodded. “They are leaving in the morning on the 29th; so girls, make sure your day is open because we are having a girls spa day.” Gio grinned and I just smiled softly. Jenn and Emily started spitting out ideas to each other, while I just sat back quietly. Jenn got up with Emily to venture over to the open laptop on the kitchen table to look up reservations and Gio took the open seat beside me. I looked over at her and she frowned. “Don’t be sad. Come on, Lindsey. The four of us will hangout all of the time and Danny will call you or text you nearly every day.”

“I know, but it’s just going to suck. I mean, we are finally together and he’s going to be gone for two months. Two months. That’s longer than our relationship has even been-” she cut me off as she fell back into the couch. She sat back up and scowled at me.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but shut up, Lindsey.” She spoke softly and I looked down. “Are you afraid he’s going to break up with you or something?” She asked, and I shrugged. “Oh my God, did you not see his reaction in that interview!? He bloody blushed on national television just talking about you!” She exclaimed and I felt a smile slip through my lips. “If you are unsure of his feeling for you than you need to seriously wake up, hun.” She muttered and I let a laugh fall through my lips.

“Are you seriously talking about this again, Linds?” Jenn spoke up and I looked over at her and Emily, whom were watching me intently. “We’ve talked about this. He won’t break up with you. He’s in love with you, damn it, everyone can tell. So shut up. Gio, don’t waste your breath. She’s just insecure.” Jenn grinned and I just flushed with a roll of my eyes.

“Danny? Are you home?” An unfamiliar voice called out and the four of us froze, turning our attention to Harry’s front door. Emily jumped up from the table and jogged toward the door, placing her face against the wood to look through the peephole. Her whole body froze and Gio quickly ran over, pushing her out of the way to look as well. “I know you’re in there!” Emily and Gio stepped away from the door and I furrowed my eyebrows. They looked toward one another with wide eyes and I shared a look with Jenn. What’s wrong with them?

“Shh,” Emily whispered but I just stood, walking toward them. I looked out the peephole and I felt my whole body stiffen. “It’s *Rachel.” I recognized her from the magazines and I turned to the girls with my wide eyes. I looked back out the peephole and Rachel was walking in a circle, her black hair curled to perfection down to her waist. Her blue eyes were glaring at Danny’s door as she fumed. She was beautiful.

“You’re ignoring my calls, you refuse to have anything to do with me, and now I see why.” She slammed her manicured hand on his door and then she stepped back, pulling her skirt up higher so you could just barely see the bottom of her butt. She fixed her tight top so that her breasts were nearly popping out. With a roll of her shoulders, she spoke again. “Look. I understand you were upset. But what me and Dylan had…it’s over. I need you, Danny. I made a mistake. You can drop that blond mental patient now; I know you were just trying to cover up your pain.” My whole body stiffened as she mentioned me. “I know she means nothing to you. I get it; you were just hurt. You flaunted her around London and talked about how much you fancy her in the interview to make me jealous. You can drop the act. I’m home.” My mouth dropped open and I felt my face turn bright red.

“She’s lying, Lindsey. Don’t believe her. Seriously, she’s just trying to hurt you. She knows Danny’s at the interview and she’s just trying to get you to react.” Emily spoke, and I just shook my head. I clenched my fists and Jenn stepped forward, grabbing my hands to try and pry apart my fingers.

“Lindsey, breathe. She’s lying. Danny wouldn’t use you. You know that.” Jenn tried to reason but I was too mad. I went to grab the door handle but Gio blocked my path, holding me away.

“Stop. You’re better than her. Don’t give her what she wants.” She whispered and that’s when Rachel spoke again.

“Yeah Lindsey, don’t humiliate yourself.” My jaw was clenched tight as I moved Gio to the side, pulling the door open. Rachel was standing across the hall, her arms crossed over her chest as she stared at me. “Nice pep talk, girls. You did really well.” Emily and Gio went to speak but I held my hand up, blocking them from coming out. “Wow. You two are even taking orders from a mentally ill girl. It’s pathetic, really.” Rachel spoke in her thick accent and I just scowled, my eyes never leaving hers.

“What are you doing here, Rachel?” Emily spat, but Rachel was just staring at me, her eyebrow raised. The next time she spoke, she was just talking to me.

“Surprised I know about your mental and suicidal problems? It’s not a secret, hun. Not when I know how to…handle…the manager of the therapist office you visit twice a week. How’s your medication working? No more panic attacks or thoughts of cutting yourself? Such a shame.” She clicked her tong a few times before stepping away from the wall and taking a step closer to me. I felt my eyes cloud over. Gio and Emily don’t know about that. “No wonder your mother died. I wouldn't want to be around either after realizing what’s truly wrong with you.” All I saw was red as I stepped forward, shoving her backwards. Her back hit Danny’s door and she stumbled, trying to catch her balance.

“Stop!” Jenn screamed as Rachel reached over and grabbed my arm, shoving me toward the ground. A fist full of my hair was in her hand and she spat in my face.

“You are so pathetic. Danny’s only with you because he feels sorry for you. You mean nothing to him. You are just a fucked up girl that deserves to disappear. No one would care if you were gone. Next time you cut yourself, aim for your throat. You’d do us all a favor.” She spat at me and then she was pulled away by Emily, her foot hitting me in the stomach.

“What the fu-” Emily screamed. Gio and Jenn ran to my side as I slouched forward, my eyes clouding over as her words sunk in. Tears filled my vision and Rachel laughed loudly.

“Wipe your fucking tears! Baby! I’ve never met someone as weak as you. Pathetic!” I pushed Gio and Jenn away as I tried to get to my feet.

“Lindsey, stop!” Gio yelled, pulling me back. I stood face to face with Rachel and I felt my tears pool over. She was laughing hysterically and I raised my hand, slapping her across the face. Twice. Blood filled her mouth and she spat some out at me, getting her slutty blood onto my shirt. I raised my hand against and I actually saw her flinch. I quickly dropped my hand and felt my heart beat repeatedly into my chest.

“My mother always told me to breathe and let it go.” I muttered, stepping closer to her. Emily was holding her hands behind her back so I stepped closer, our faces inches apart. “But if you say one more thing about my issues, my mother, or anything else about me, I won’t hold back.” I spat. “And I’m not the only one in this room that wouldn’t mind seeing you bleed.” I whispered, and her eyes grew large again.

“Don’t threaten me!” She yelled, and I just stepped back. My heart was beating hysterically and I felt my breathing hitch. Not now. I can’t have a panic attack now. Jenn quickly ran over and opened the door to the apartment complex, waiting for Emily to throw her out. “I’ll see you later, bitch.” Rachel yelled right as Emily slammed the door in her face. I saw Harry’s SUV pull up out front as soon as Rachel pulled away.

“I’m going to go shower.” My body began to shake and before the three girls could say anything, I pulled out Danny’s keys he lent me and pulled his apartment door open, rushing inside. I slammed the door shut, locked it, and then attacking the deadbolt.

“Lindsey!” Jenn shouted, hitting her fists on the thick door. I tried to calm my breathing but it was no use. My tears were poring down my cheeks and I could hardly breathe. “Don’t shut us out! Please!” She pleaded but I just stumbled toward the bathroom, dropping the keys along the way.

The pounding and shouting continued as I pulled the bathroom door closed, locking that as well. I fell to my knees as my whole body shook, my anxiety kicking in. I was starting to get dizzy and my throat was closing up, my tears multiplying. I pulled my shirt over my head with trembling fingers, discarding the material beside me. I carefully stood, leaning my body onto the sink as I looked at my reflection. My stomach was flat, my ribs sticking out and my belly button nearly invisible. My chest was nearly non-existent, my bra rather loose on me. My legs were stick thin; my jeans clung to me as I looked down at my feet. I kicked off my shoes and socks, leaving me in just a bra and jeans.

“I quit.” I whispered, placing my hands on my face as I sobbed loudly. I leaned on the counter and tried to relax my breathing but my chest was so tight. I could hardly breathe. In between my tears, I looked down at my scarred wrist and I felt the pull. I reached for Danny’s razor and I held it out in front of me. I was about to break it but I couldn’t. I promised Danny I would never do it again. Taking a shaky breath, I dropped it onto the tile floor. My body continued to tremble as I slipped on the tile, falling to the hard floor. I crawled over to the corner of the wall and the toilet, my knees rising to my chest. I hid there, my face burring into my arms as I felt my panic attack get worse.

“Danny!” I screamed, feeling my whole body react. I literally felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t focus, my whole body was trembling violently, and I felt like I was going to vomit. I placed my hands on my head and I pried my eyes shut, my mind shouting at me. All of the words Rachel had said to me were repeated and I felt my whole chest tighten. “I can’t breathe,” I gasp, placing my hands around my neck weakly. My eyes were stuck wide and I couldn’t close them. The whole room was spinning around me and I couldn’t move. I was losing control of my body. I suddenly heard screaming and I felt my tears thicken, though my eyes were stuck open. And after a few moments, I realized that the person who was screaming… was me. But I couldn’t stop.

“Lindsey!” I heard his voice over my scream and I felt my whole body react again. The screaming stopped but I was still trembling, my tears were faster, and the sensation in my chest and throat were worse. I tried to take a deep breath but I couldn’t. My hands were still on my throat as I tried to breathe but no oxygen was going in. “She’s having a panic attack!” I heard him scream and I felt my chest tighten. Without further ado, the door slammed open and Danny came tumbling in, trying to gain his balance before he fell on his face.

“I can’t breathe,” I gasped, my whole body trembling. He was holding his arm since he just busted the door but he didn’t seem to care as he fell to his knees in front of me, his eyes growing larger and larger. My chest was frozen and I couldn’t concentrate as I shook, my hands holding onto my neck.

“Give her room!” Danny shouted over his shoulder, the lads and my best friends tumbling out of the room. My chest was in excruciating pain and I tried to breathe but I just couldn’t. My face was growing pale and I didn’t know what to do, so I started to freak out. Danny trying to pry my hands away from my throat but I was stiff, my body trembling so bad that he couldn’t get a good hold of me. “Lindsey, you need to listen to me. Concentrate for me. Try to calm down.” Danny spoke over my panic attack. I felt like I was having a seizure. His eyes were starting to water and I couldn’t hold it in. My chest was heaving and my tears were so thick. He wrapped his arms around me and unclipped my bra, the strain it had on my chest letting go. Luckily, it was left over my shoulders so my breasts were still covered.

“I can’t!” I gasped, trying to speak. It drained my breath from my throat and my hands grew tighter. “He-lp,” I wheezed.

“What the fuck do I do!?” Danny screamed, looking over his shoulder. He had both of his hands wrapped around my trembling body but it wasn’t helping. I was blinding by the attack and I couldn’t concentrate. “Lindsey, please,” he whispered and I felt my stomach tie tighter. I looked up at him through my tears and he had his cell phone pressed to his ear. He was shouting into the receiver but I don’t know what he was saying. I pried my eyes shut and I felt my body tremble again. I looked over Danny’s shoulder and the three girls were watching with tears in their eyes. “Okay, Lindsey, listen to me. Try and inhale air into your stomach instead of your chest for five seconds, and then hold it for two,” Danny exclaimed and I did my best with my fuzzy vision. “Fuck. Now exhale for five more seconds. Good, now do it again, love.” He did the breathing exercises with me and after a few tries; I actually felt my chest loosen. “Now inhale and exhale like normal a few times,” he instructed, the phone still between his cheek and shoulder. He had both hands wrapped around me, running soothing circles against my naked back. I did as he instructed and I felt my body start to relax.

“Danny.” I whispered, my chest loosening, along with my throat opening. I dropped my hands from my throat and I felt a few stray tears pour out of my eyes. Danny leaned back to look me in the eye and I closed my eyes a few times before I opened them and looked right into his.

“Can you breathe?” He whispered, causing me to nod slowly. I still felt my heart beat repeatedly into my chest but it was so much better. This was one of the worst panic attacks I have ever experienced. Before, I’d be able to get myself out of it, but not this time. “It worked. Thank you, mum. I’ll call you back.” Danny whispered into his cell phone before he placed it softly on the floor beside him. I looked into his eyes and I placed my right hand onto his erratic heart. “Are you okay?” He whispered, and I felt myself nod.

“I am now,” I mumbled, sniffling loudly. I sat back and took a few deep breaths. Before I could utter a word, Jenn, Gio, and Emily flung themselves at me. They muttered into my ears as they sniffled, sharing nice words with me before they pulled away. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know why I did that. I should have let you guys in.” I mumbled, thick tears filling my eyes. Jenn shook her head,

“No, it’s okay. We understand.” She mumbled, “Just don’t do it again.” She mumbled, and I nodded softly. My eyes met Danny’s and they were still slightly watery. The six of our friends left us alone and I still felt my hands tremble as I looked down at them.

“That was the scariest moment of my life.” He spoke so softly that I almost didn’t hear him. I looked back up at him as he rubbed his eyes. “Don’t ever do that to me again,” he whispered and I felt my heart break. “I thought I was losing you. I had to run through the studio upstairs and use that door to get into my apartment because you had my only set of keys. Then I came into the apartment to find the keys lying on the floor by the door. You were absolutely no where to be seen. But I knew you went into the bathroom because the door was locked. And all I kept thinking when I was trying to knock that door down was that my razor was in here. You could have been bleeding to death because of her. And then I opened the door to find it lying on the floor, luckily still attached. But you were curled up into a ball, having this huge panic attack and you weren’t breathing. You were shaking so bad that I thought you were having a heart attack or a seizure or something. I fucking thought I was losing you.” He whispered, his voice cracking over and over again. He dropped his hands and small tears were slipping down his cheeks.

“I am so sorry,” I gasped. My body was still in panic-attack-mode but I pulled myself onto my knees, my trembling hands finding his cheeks. My tears were slipping down my cheeks, mirroring his.

“You couldn’t stop it; it’s not your fault.” He mumbled, furiously wiping his cheeks. I pushed his hands away and brought my lips to his, my fingers slipping around his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me tight against him. “I love you, Lindsey. I love you. So much. Please stop hurting.” He mumbled against my lips, burying his head into my neck. My lips trembled as my eyes watered even more. And my heart started to beat quickly again. Not because of the attack, no; because he just told me he loved me.

“I love you, too.” I whispered.