I'll Be Okay

“I fucked up. I shouldn’t have pushed you away-” after the first few words came out, the rest followed closely behind. I told him how I felt about his fans on twitter, I told him about the argument Jenn and I had, I told him about the fact that I felt like I wasn’t good enough, and then finally, I told him about how much it hurt pushing him away. And the best part? He stayed silent the entire time. He kept his mouth shut during my entire rant and I realized that that was exactly what I needed to do; to rant. I felt like a huge weight was lifted when the last few words slipped past my lips.

“Lindsey.” He muttered, running a hand through his hair. “I love you, you know that. But you need to stop doing this. You can’t just ignore me like that. What’ll happen in the next few weeks when you’re back home and more people tweet about you?” I cut him off,

“I already deleted my twitter.” I spoke up.

“Good. But that doesn’t matter right now. I need to be sure that you’re one hundred percent certain that I am what you want. Because ignoring me like you have been for the past few weeks makes me believe that you don’t want this.” Looking up at him, I felt like my heart was breaking apart.

“No, I- I definitely do-” I breathed. My voice was getting tight as I tried to speak. “I want you, Danny. I’m just scared-”

“When you get scared, Lindsey, you need to call me. Or text me. Or even Skype me; whatever. Don’t push me out anymore. Relationships are based on communication and that past few weeks have been hard on me, too. Put yourself in my place for a second. Do you know how badly I wanted to up and leave to go back home to you? To fix this? I was ripping my bloody hair out because I knew you were hurting and I couldn’t – I wasn’t able to leave.” Stepping back, Danny sat down on one of the couched and placed his head in his hands. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I just stared at him. “I know what you do when you get upset and all I could think about was- and I kept having the other girls check on you- I was freaking out.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, taking a seat next to him. He turned to look at me and I realized that he had bags under his eyes and some stubble on his chin and cheeks.

“I know you’re scared and I know that being with me is hard, but please just talk to me. Stop apologizing and just talk to me. Please. We need to get through everything together. Let me in, Lindsey.”

“I’m trying” I choked out, standing up. My arms wrapped themselves around my stomach and I felt a knot tighten in my throat. Danny looked down sadly and I felt my whole world fall apart. “I am trying and- it’s just hard-” Danny cut me off, standing up as well.

“You need to let me in or I- I can’t keep doing this. You push me away when you’re upset and you turn into a statue. You need to talk to me and explain everything to me. How else are we going to work?” His voice was rising and I felt my eyes water all over again.

“Well maybe we’ll never work.” I whispered, shoving past him. He grabbed onto my arm to stop me but I just ripped it out of his hands. Turning to face him, I pushed him back and he fell onto the couch again. “I told you at the beginning that I have problems. I told you everything and you understood. You gave me time to adjust to things and you told me it was okay. What happened to that, Danny? Why isn’t it okay anymore?” My voice was shaking with anxiety and Danny rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. “What changed? You’ve told me you loved me, you’ve asked me to move in with you… what’s changed, Danny?” Tears were streaming down my cheeks.

“No, Lindsey. Nothings changed! I still love you, I still want to be with you; I’m not breaking up with you.” He jumped up off of the couch but I just stepped back, shaking my head furiously.

“Then why are you telling me you can’t do this? Why are you telling me that I need to change when you were constantly telling me before that I was perfect the way I was? Why can’t you just give me time to adjust to your lifestyle?” I yelled, my voice quivering. I wiped my face with the back of my hands before I finally snapped. “This is who I am, Danny. This is Lindsey Greene. I freak out, I cry, and I am afraid. I need time to adjust to changes and I just need someone to understand. If you can’t deal with that, then fine. Just don’t keep stringing me along.” I reached for the door knob but before I pulled the door open, I turned back to Danny in time to see him wipe his eyes. “I’m not used to telling people everything, Danny. Maybe I need time to myself for a while.” I whispered. Without saying another word, I stepped out through the door and closed it shut behind me. I leaned back on the wood, running my hands over my face as I felt my heart slam harder and harder into my chest.

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK.” I heard Danny scream, slamming his hand into something in the room behind me. “FUCK.” He screamed. I clenched eyes shut to hold in my sob before I quickly ran down the hall toward where the girls were standing with Tom. I avoided their eyes as I ran around them, Danny’s voice echoing behind me. “Lindsey! LINDSEY! Wait!” I ran around the corner and stopped short to catch my breath.

“What happened?” Jenn exclaimed loudly, Gio and Emily shouting in agreement. I leaned back on the wall, trying to stop my tears as I waited for Danny’s reply.

“I don’t know. I need to find her- I fucked up.” Danny exclaimed, his voice getting louder. I ran out the back doors.

“Danny, the show starts in five minutes-”

“I don’t care, Tom. Make up some bloody excuse.” He ran out after me.