I'll Be Okay

** inappropriate language and violence

”Aunt Janette, hey. What are you doing here?” I just got home from work, my smock hanging over my arm as I pulled off my rain coat. A suitcase was beside my aunt’s left leg, my mother standing beside her, her arm stretched across her torso to hook onto her other arm. The door fell shut quietly behind me, leaving the living room silent as my aunt wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “What…what’s going on?” I whispered.

“Lindsey, Aunt Janette is going to be staying with us for a while, all right?” My mother whispered, tears pouring out of her eyes as well. My stomach fell into knots and I felt my body shake, and so I reached my arm forward and leaned on the wall. Something’s wrong.

“Why? What happened?” I asked softly, my voice so vulnerable that I could hardly hear myself. I felt my stomach turn and my eyes started to water. “Mum, tell me!” I bellowed, walking toward her and placing my hands on her arms. “Please. What’s wrong?”

“I was diagnosed me with cancer!” She yelled, dropping her head as her tears escaped. My body dropped to the floor and I felt sobs ring through me.

I jolted awake, sitting up straight in my bed as I felt my heart beating quickly in my chest. I wiped my moist cheeks and closed my eyes tight, shaking my head at the dream. Looking over at my alarm clock, I ran a hand through my hair and jumped out of bed. It was nearly 10 in the morning yet I had no plans today. I bit my lip and jumped in the shower.

It’s been four days since I spent the afternoon with Danny and I haven’t heard from him since. Both Jenn and my aunt have noticed that I’ve been in a better mood but I haven’t quite told them why yet. Jenn already knows all about Danny, considering she wanted to know every single detail. She even told me what Harry said when Danny got home later that night. “He was grinning ear to ear, love. He said he got her to smile.” It wasn’t bothering me that he hasn’t kept in contact with me but I didn’t let it get to me as I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail, running a towel over my wet face.

“I’m not asking you, mother, I’m telling you!” I heard my cousin yell outside the door. I dropped the towel from my face and fixed my shirt, shrugging at the mirror before I stepped out. Jenn was standing outside her bedroom door, yelling down the hall at my aunt whom was standing at the top pf the stairs. “I can do what I want! I’m not a child!”

“Well when you live under my roof, you will do as I say! And you are not going out with a 26 year old, dammit!” Aunt Janette bellowed, raising her fists as she screamed. I looked over at Jenn, raising an eyebrow as she screeched.

“I’m not a fucking child!” Jenn yelled and I awkwardly stepped forward, making my way to my room. “And I am not the only one seeing an older man, mother, so stop yelling at me. Lindsey isn’t quite innocent either!” I stopped dead in my tracks, turning my head toward Jenn as I raised my eyebrows.

“What are you talking about?” Aunt Janette exclaimed, walking swiftly toward us as I stepped closer to Jenn. Her mouth was covered by her own hand as she realized what she had said. My mouth dropped open, closing my eyes tight as Aunt Janette raised her eyebrows at me. “What is she telling me, Lindsey?” She whispered and I dropped my head, looking in the opposite direction as I racked my brain for an answer.

“He’s not 26, he’s 25.” I muttered and Aunt Janette’s eyes grew wide. She stepped back, shaking her head as she closed her eyes tight.

“Jennifer, go to your room, now.” She whispered, her eyes popping open as she looked at her daughter. Jenn stomped her feet and screamed before she slammed her bedroom door behind her. Aunt Janette then grabbed my arm and pulled me into my room. Without saying a word, I stepped forward and finished up doing my makeup as she paced in my room. “What are you thinking, Lindsey? You better not be skipping your therapist sessions to go see this boy! I pay good money for your help-” I turned to her, cutting her off completely as I groaned loudly.

“You aren’t paying shit, Aunt Janette.” I exclaimed, shutting her up immediately. “I dropped out of college and quit my job to help my mother and all you did was bring us here. You didn’t bring her to the hospital once a week, you didn’t help her with chemo, and you weren’t even there when she passed away on the fucking hospital bed! So don’t even tell me you are helping me because you aren’t! All you’re doing is sending me away twice a week so you don’t have to deal with me!” I screamed, turning from her and running toward the bathroom.

“Lindsey, you know I care-” She whispered, following after me. I walked into the bathroom and was about to slam the door shut when she stuck her foot out, stopping it from closing.

“If you care so much, then why haven’t you asked me how I am? Why haven’t you asked me how my therapist sessions go? All you do is press me for information and call my therapist and tell her I’m not okay!” I yelled, trying to force the door closed.

“Lindsey, I care about you! I want to help you but you just don’t let me in! How am I supposed to help you if you don’t give me a chance to talk to you about it?” She whispered and I stopped, wiping my cheeks as I shook my head wildly.

“Have you ever thought that I don’t want your help?” I whispered. “I’ve seen the way you treat Jenn. I’ve seen the way you mother her and I don’t want that. I want my mother back.” I murmured and my aunt stepped backwards, her eyes growing wide. I took that as my chance and I slammed the door shut, locking it quickly before I leaned my back against it.

“You will never get your mother back, Lindsey, so get over it! Let me in and I will help you just like your mother would. You will have nobody if all you do is wish for your fucking mother back!” She screamed from behind the door and I slammed my hand against the door. Grinding my teeth, I stood back as I felt my eyes brim with tears. “I can help you just like she would-”

“You will never be my fucking mother!” I yelled before I reached forward, grabbing the raiser out of the shower. My mind was all fuzzy, the pill bottles placed on the sink in front of me but I didn’t care. I haven’t taken them yet but that didn’t stop me as I broke the raiser head open. I heard voices behind the door but I just dropped down to the floor, tears filling my eyes.

“Lindsey, listen to me! Open this door!” Jenn called to me but I ignored her, my eyes fixed on my wrist as I held the blade tight. “Please! It’s just me!” She whispered, and I heard her head hit the door. “Harry? It’s Jenn. Is Danny with you? Put him on.” I heard her say, and I knew she was on the phone. I didn’t pay much attention as I hovered the blade over my wrist, everything going blurry as my eyes filled with more tears.

“I just want to see my mother again! I want to be where she is!” I muttered, but I’m sure Jenn heard me as she banged on the door, yelling loudly for me to stop.

“Lindsey! Open this door now! Please!” Jenn pleaded, banging on the door once more. “She’s ill, Danny. She locked herself in the bathroom and she won’t come out-” I heard the phone drop to the floor but I wasn’t paying much attention as I stared down at my wrist. “Why are you doing this?” I heard her muttered, and I knew she was talking to me still through the door.

“Your mum doesn’t even want me here.” I answered, gripping the blade as I rocked back and forth. “Why stay here when I could just leave?” I muttered and I heard her breathe heavily, banging her hand on the door once more. Finally, I let the blade make contact with my skin. Only twice though before I dropped the blade, letting it clatter on the tiled floor. I don’t know how much time passed exactly before there were other voices behind the door. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, humming to myself as my left arm lay limp on the tiled floor.

“Lindsey?” I heard his voice and my eyes flew open, looking straight at the door as I felt my heart beat faster. “Let me in, love.” He muttered but I shook my head. I want to be alone. A few seconds past before he knocked on the door again. “Say something so I know you’re okay.” He whispered.

“Go away.” I exclaimed, moving my body so I was lying on the cold tile. “I just want to be alone.” I whispered, my eyes slipping shut as my head started to pound. I looked down at my wrist, blood smeared across it as the blade lay beside it. I felt my eyes droop closed again and I let the darkness take me as I heard more frantic voices outside the door.

“Lindsey! Open this door or else I’ll have to break it down!” I heard Danny exclaim, but I was too far into the darkness to answer him. “Lindsey! Please!” I heard him whisper, but I was drifting. Before I slipped away completely, I heard a loud slam and a light was shining on me but I didn’t care. I was already gone.