Safe
1/1
I sat alone, on the end of our bed. The blankets were strewn across the mattress, and the pillows were out of order. I had a pain worse than ever, growing slowly in my stomach. I clutched my torso, as silent tear fell down my cheeks. My mind flooded with memories, and unforgotten words.
I still remembered the things my mother said to me, through clenched teeth, as she stared at me, angrily. This particular time, I didn't clean my room well enough, and she was furious. She bent down to my level, and took my hands off of my ears, so I would hear what she said. She cupped my face in her hands, roughly, afraid to show any sign of affection.
“This is a fucking pig sty. Why can't you just take up a simple task as cleaning your fucking room, you irresponsible bitch?”
She spat the words out at me, as I shook, afraid to cry, or respond in any form. I just shook. I was a shell, an hollow, empty shell. I was afraid to move in her presence. I was afraid whenever she was around, and just about any time.
She slapped me, hard against my cheek. It stung afterward. It was a tingly sensation through my entire face.
“I can't wait until you're gone. You won't make it a day in the real world. You won't be able to live without my constant reminder of how much you need to improve. You deserve it, every time that I hit you, you deserve the pain. “
“I'm sorry.”
My words were quick, and quiet. She heard them, though. She looked at me, as if she'd never heard an apology before. She wouldn't accept it, and she would always think of me as a total failure.
She pushed me down, against the hard wood floor, as she lifted her cigarette back into her lipstick- stained mouth. She blew the smoke into my face, and stood back up. She gave me an angry look, before walking out of my room, and slamming the door behind her.
That's what my mother left me with, emptiness. A slammed door in my face. A face full of smoke, and the belief that I am nothing. I didn't have anything else, besides the same constant reminders.
I bent my knees up to my chest, and laid my arms on top of them. I cried, and tried not to scream. I knew that I could cry where I was. She wouldn't punish me, or beat me for crying. I was afraid to scream though.
The memories were full force, and I found it impossible to not scream. I wanted help, I was terrified. I was terrified she would come back, and beat me until I was bleeding. I was afraid she'd tell me that my security now was a lie.
In the midst of it all, I felt arms around me. Looking up, I saw his face. Gerard's face. He'd seen me like this before, and knew exactly why I was like this. I laid against him, crying harder.
“Did you have another flashback?” He asked me in a quiet voice.
I nodded, as I sank down, laying my head in his lap.
He stroked my hair out from my face, and tucked it behind my ear, and bent down to kiss me on the cheek.
“It's all over now. It's only a bad memory, and she's never coming back, I'll always keep you safe, I promise.”
I stopped crying, at the sound of his words. I breathed in deep, holding back tears. I believed him. I believed I was safe. Although I'd always have these memories, and I'd always have these flashbacks, he kept his word. He never would let anything bad happen to me again.
I still remembered the things my mother said to me, through clenched teeth, as she stared at me, angrily. This particular time, I didn't clean my room well enough, and she was furious. She bent down to my level, and took my hands off of my ears, so I would hear what she said. She cupped my face in her hands, roughly, afraid to show any sign of affection.
“This is a fucking pig sty. Why can't you just take up a simple task as cleaning your fucking room, you irresponsible bitch?”
She spat the words out at me, as I shook, afraid to cry, or respond in any form. I just shook. I was a shell, an hollow, empty shell. I was afraid to move in her presence. I was afraid whenever she was around, and just about any time.
She slapped me, hard against my cheek. It stung afterward. It was a tingly sensation through my entire face.
“I can't wait until you're gone. You won't make it a day in the real world. You won't be able to live without my constant reminder of how much you need to improve. You deserve it, every time that I hit you, you deserve the pain. “
“I'm sorry.”
My words were quick, and quiet. She heard them, though. She looked at me, as if she'd never heard an apology before. She wouldn't accept it, and she would always think of me as a total failure.
She pushed me down, against the hard wood floor, as she lifted her cigarette back into her lipstick- stained mouth. She blew the smoke into my face, and stood back up. She gave me an angry look, before walking out of my room, and slamming the door behind her.
That's what my mother left me with, emptiness. A slammed door in my face. A face full of smoke, and the belief that I am nothing. I didn't have anything else, besides the same constant reminders.
I bent my knees up to my chest, and laid my arms on top of them. I cried, and tried not to scream. I knew that I could cry where I was. She wouldn't punish me, or beat me for crying. I was afraid to scream though.
The memories were full force, and I found it impossible to not scream. I wanted help, I was terrified. I was terrified she would come back, and beat me until I was bleeding. I was afraid she'd tell me that my security now was a lie.
In the midst of it all, I felt arms around me. Looking up, I saw his face. Gerard's face. He'd seen me like this before, and knew exactly why I was like this. I laid against him, crying harder.
“Did you have another flashback?” He asked me in a quiet voice.
I nodded, as I sank down, laying my head in his lap.
He stroked my hair out from my face, and tucked it behind my ear, and bent down to kiss me on the cheek.
“It's all over now. It's only a bad memory, and she's never coming back, I'll always keep you safe, I promise.”
I stopped crying, at the sound of his words. I breathed in deep, holding back tears. I believed him. I believed I was safe. Although I'd always have these memories, and I'd always have these flashbacks, he kept his word. He never would let anything bad happen to me again.