Blue Eyes Don't Lie

“I don’t want to look. Look for me?” I asked him.
“It’s… negative.” He said.
“Are you sure?”
“Mh-hmm,” he nodded. “Wanna do another one, just to be sure?”
“Okay, either turn your back, or get the fuck out,” I laughed.
He turned his back, and it came back the same.
“Definitely negative. Liz, you’re not pregnant.”
I smiled.
“Thank you Max. Better go tell Josh.”
We came out of the bathroom, and I found Josh waiting in the bunk.
“The… verdict?”
“No, I’m not,” we both smiled, and I got into the bunk with him.
“I don’t mean this the wrong way, but I am glad you’re not.”
“Believe me. I’m glad I’m not too. I didn’t want to be either. I know we’re not ready for something as big as this. If I was it’d fuck up so many things, and I don’t want that. I knew that if I was, your career would pretty much be over, and I couldn’t come with you on tours and stuff, because I’d have to stay at home and look after it.”
“It?” He asked confused.
“I’ve never really been fond of kids. When I was 16 I hated them with a passion. I didn’t want kids, ever. But that’s kind of changed. I’d like to have your kids, like… somewhere down the line.”
“We’re gonna have this much of a serious conversation now?”
“Hey, you asked! And… yeah. I think right now, if I was gonna have anyone’s kids, I’d like to think they’d be yours.”
“Hmm. I’d like to think that you’d have mine as well. I can’t think of a better person.”
We laid there in the bunk for hours, just talking and laughing, like we hadn’t done all day. Truth is; I was still scared. I was scared that because of what I’d said. I was scared that I’d wrecked everything. All of a sudden I felt claustrophobic. I couldn’t take it. I needed to breathe. I excused myself and went outside. I couldn’t remember the last time I was scared of losing someone, I think it was when I found out about Sam and Sarah. I worked myself into such a state I threw up. Again. Josh found me hunched over.
“Come on, love. What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry.” I simply said. “I didn’t mean to freak you out with that conversation earlier. I can’t help but think I ruined everything by opening my mouth.”
“Don’t be. I’m 21, I should be thinking about stuff like that.”
“Yeah, but I’m 18. I’m on tour with my boyfriend’s band. I’ve quit my job, I’m pretty much homeless when you’re not in England. I shouldn’t be thinking about that yet! I should be going out and getting drunk! Not worrying about where I’m gonna shower the next day!” I’d somehow turned this into an argument.
“So you’re saying, you’d rather be back with Sam, at home, going out, getting drunk and being cheated on? Is that it?”
“What the fuck?! No, I’d rather be here with you! Of course I’d rather be here with you, I’m just saying I should be doing something more productive… like I should be getting back into photography, rather than just standing side stage, I should be out there photographing it all.”
“You’re a photographer?” He seemed more confused than he should be.
“Yeah, I studied it at college. I thought I told you all this?”
“You told me you went, never told me what you studied.”
“Oh. Well, now you know.”
We stood there, still pretty pissed at each other. I didn’t know what else to say to him. We stood there for about 5 minutes before his face softened. He knew he’d upset me, and made me angry, so he knew he had to apologize to me.
“Liz, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such an arse. I over-reacted big time. And I’m really sorry for bringing the whole Sam thing into it.”
“So you fucking should be.”
He knew I was still really pissed off, so he just gestured back to the bus, and I went in, and sat in the bunk, and turned away from the curtain. I saw the curtain twitch and I heard a sigh, and then it closed again. He knew I didn’t want to talk now.

--

Being pissed at Josh was something I wasn’t good at, and something I didn’t really like, and he knew that. When he came to bed later that night, he hesitated a lot before he got into the bed. I worried about how much I’d pissed him off in return. When he got in I turned so I faced him, and he was already looking at me.
“Still mad?” He whispered. I shook my head. “Good, cause I don’t like it when we fight.”
“I don’t either,” I whispered back. “I didn’t mean any of it.”
“I didn’t mean anything either. Promise me we’ll never fight again?” I nodded, and wriggled over the bed to be closer to him. He put his arms around me, and it was as if nothing had gone wrong. But it had. And I could feel the doubt coming back. I tried to convince myself that nothing was going to happen between me and Josh. But I couldn’t shake the feeling. I didn’t sleep at all again. When Josh had fallen asleep, I managed to creep around him and go into the “living area” of the bus. Matt and Max were still up playing Fifa.
“You okay?” Matt asked me.
“Sort of, I just can’t shake this feeling.”
“Is this about earlier?” Max interrupted. I nodded. “I thought you guys would be fine?”
“Yeah, but I went and fucked up again. I had to open my fucking mouth, and say stupid shit that freaked him out, and then we had a shitting argument, and he bought up that fucking useless twat of a guy Sam, and then I just went mental.”
“Do… do you want me to go?” Matt asked.
“No, stay. It’s fine,” I explained it from the start to Matt, and then filled Max in on the details. “And that’s how I fucked up.”
“So you’re saying, you think you fucked up because you said you want his kids in the future? That’s just mental.”
“Yeah but you forget we’ve been together for what? 3 months? 4 months?”
“Has it really only been that long? I forget cause… well, you know. Feels like you’ve been here all along.”
“I know, but it has only been that long. I love him, but… I can’t help but doubt anything that’s good in my life. I’m not good at believing that something amazing can happen and then stay for ages and not go wrong.”
“Liz, love, you need to start believing that Josh isn’t going anywhere. Because we all know he’s not, you just need to see it too.”
I sighed. “It’s getting late, I’m gonna go try and sleep. Thanks for the chat guys.”