Blue Eyes Don't Lie

I looked out of the bunk, and saw Sam sitting there on the couch.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I yelled at him. “No, don’t even fucking answer that! I don’t want to hear it!”
“I missed you, Liz.”
“Well I don’t miss you. You’re a twat, and I fucking hate everything about you. You make me sick.”
“I can tell you don’t miss me. Been fucking him since we broke up?”
“No. I’m not like that.”
“Bollocks. We got together the night I broke up with my girlfriend.”
“Yes. Drunkenly. Our whole relationship was a joke. You’re a joke.”
“Thanks. Nice to know I meant something to you. Oh wait, I did, otherwise you wouldn’t have been so eager to lose your virginity to me.”
“You did mean something at the time. Not anymore. You’re just someone that I was with. How the hell did you know where I was?”
“Your sister.”
“Which one?” I said, gritting my teeth.
“I don’t know! Your younger one.”
“Fuck. I’m gonna murder her, after I murder you.” Josh had been silent the whole time.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new lover?”
“No I don’t fucking think so.”
“Huh. Does he know how unstable you are? How you tried to kill yourself? How you cut yourself? How you OD’d?”
“Shut up. And get out. And stay the hell away from me.”
“Oh but Liz, I missed you.”
“And like I said; I don’t miss you. I hate you. You make me hate myself for ever being with you.”
“Wow. You’re a lot bitchier than when we were together.”
“So are you with Sarah now? Or fucking around with some other girl?”
“I’m single.”
“Oh, so you’re bored and want someone to mess with so you thought I’d be perfect? No. Fuck off. Now. I’m fed up of this. I’m done with talking to you.”
Luckily, just then Max and Matt came in, followed shortly by Dan and Chris.
“What’s happening here?” Max asked when he saw my angry face, and then spotted Sam on the couch. “Wait… aren’t you Sam?”
“Yeah, what’s it to you?” Sam glared at Max.
“What the fuck are you doing here? Get the fuck out before I call security.”
“Do it! I’m not scared of them! You should all be afraid of her! She’s mental.”
I didn’t want to show weakness by crying in front of all of them, by letting them know that he’d hit a nerve.
“Seriously mate, just go.” Matt told him politely.
“Fine. I’ll talk to you later Liz.” With that he left slamming the door.
I didn’t know what to say to all of them. I grabbed the covers Josh and I were lying in, and ran to the bathroom; locking the door behind me. I sat on the floor and cried.
Someone came and knocked on the door.
“Fuck off, please?” I tried to say through the tears.
“Liz, it’s me.” It was Josh. I didn’t wanna have to deal with him now, but I suppose I’d have to sooner or later.
“I don’t really wanna talk right now,” I said as I opened the door.
“I know, I thought you might like some clothes.” I smiled at him pathetically, and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“You know I love you?” I told him.
“Yea, and you know I love you too?”
“Of course I do. Now get in here.”
I told him everything. Literally, from the first time I tried to kill myself to what happened with Sam. He never said a word, he just sat and listened. It was amazing. I’d never had that kind of reaction from anybody. I think he understood. I hoped he did anyway.
“I wish you’d told me all this sooner.” He said, engulfing me in a hug and bringing his mouth to mine.
“I wish I did too, but that’s all in the past, and that’s where it needs to stay. You are my present and future, and that’s what we need to concentrate on.”
“Exactly,” he said giving me one last kiss before we braved the rest of them. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said as we exited the bathroom.
We walked over to the couch, where we sat down, with me on Josh’s lap, as usual, and the guys eyeing me.
“Guys, I’m fine.” I told them.
“Good, I was just wondering. I’ve never seen you that pissed off. Even when you were trying to wake me up the other morning.” Matt said.
“I wasn’t pissed off when I woke you up, and I wasn’t even pissed off then. I was fucking mad. I actually thought I was gonna hurt him.”
“I’m glad you didn’t because I wouldn’t be cleaning the blood off the bus.” Matt joked.
“Haha,” I said mockingly. “You are so funny. I might just die.” My voice completely stoic.
“Awh, you love me really.”
“No. I don’t. I want to punch you in the fucking face.”
“Harsh. But I’ll take it.”
“You’ll take the punch? Come here then.”
“Look who’s funny now!”
“Oh, I thank you,” I said, bowing.
“You’re always funny,” Josh murmured in my ear.
“Can I ask, Liz; why did Sam say we should be afraid of you?” Max asked me.
“Erm… he thinks I’m unstable.”
“And why does he think that exactly?”
“I guess you’re gonna find out sooner or later, and it’s probably best that you hear it from me. When I was 16, I was dealing with a lot of shit. I argued with my parents all the time, I was with that twat, and loads of my family died. I couldn’t deal with it all, I tried to. Every time I felt like I was getting somewhere, something else came along and fucked up. I wasn’t a good person. I’m still not; but I’m better than I was. Anyway; there was a time when my Nan died, and I was really close to her, I couldn’t deal with it all. I’d spoken a lot to Sam about it; but he didn’t seem to understand. I felt like nobody did. I couldn’t talk to Charlie about it, and she’s my best friend. I know that you guys,” I said gesturing to Dan and Chris, “have lost your father’s, and you got through it with the rest of the guys help. I didn’t have that; or at least I felt like I didn’t. So anyway; I couldn’t deal with it, and I felt like I couldn’t be here with no-one to help me through it all, so I took a few boxes of paracetamol, and nearly died. I took about 40 or 50 in total. My parents found me passed out in the bathroom in a pool of my own vomit. I’m lucky I didn’t choke on it. If I did, I’d be dead. So that’s one story.”
“Fuck me.” Max said, as he stood up to give me a hug.
“Bit much really. I don’t know; I feel like you guys should know. But that’s my past, and that part of my life is over. This is my present and I’m gonna continue living.”
“What do you mean that’s only one story?” Max questioned.
“I’ve tried to hang myself too. It was just after my uncle got diagnosed with cancer. It hurt a lot, and I’m sure some of you will understand, if not all of you will understand. It’s okay, he’s out of pain now,” I said smiling small at Chris, who squeezed my knee. “I know it sounds like I was being dramatic, but he was my best friend. We both did photography together, and I want to do this whole gig thing for him.”
“It’s okay,” Josh said kissing my head. “I understand.”
There were murmurs of agreement from the rest of them. Dan stood up and walked over to me, and kissed both of my cheeks.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“How suckish your life was.”
“Yea, was. It’s good now. I fucking love it. I want to be here forever.”
“I don’t,” Josh said. We all looked at him. “What? I don’t wanna be on a sweaty tour bus forever.”
“Oh,” we all said.
“I’m gonna go to bed,” I told Josh. “You coming?”
“In a bit, gonna play Fifa.”
“Okay,” I kissed him, and went to our bed.
I overheard him talking about me to the guys, but I couldn’t really make out what he was saying, so I tried to go to sleep. I couldn’t. I found it impossible. I was too stressed to sleep. I checked my phone for messages, something I rarely did. I had a few from Charlie demanding more updates. I had two from Sam.
We should talk; throwing me out of the bus earlier was rude. We should have a mature conversation like the adults we pretend we are. You should ditch your boyfriend for a day and we can have a chat
I didn’t want to read the other one but I did.
Seriously Liz, do you think you can hide from me forever, you’re gonna have to talk to me sooner or later, and then you’ll realize how much you miss me, and then you’ll kiss me, and then we’ll get back together. You know that it’s what you want.
I didn’t bother replying to him. I didn’t want to see him, cause honestly; I think that it may go that way. He knew that when he was nice to me I couldn’t resist, because I was like that. I always had been.
I decided to reply to Charlie before I tried to go to sleep.
Hey girl, sorry I haven’t replied. Been a bit crazy today. Passed out yesterday and missed their show, Sam turned up today while me and Josh were… together. Bitched him out for a bit, he stormed off, and he’s harassing me. I don’t even know how he knew where I was. Apparently Emma told him, but I don’t think she did? Although she doesn’t really know what happened. Oh well. I miss you xx
I knew that it was about 5 back home, cause it was 1am here, so I decided to wait for a reply. It came within minutes.
What do you mean Sam turned up? Are you actually serious? What the actual hell! I hope Josh bitched him out as well! Deets. Now! I miss you too xx

Well, Josh didn’t really say anything. I think he was just as shocked as I was. Me and Josh were in bed, and we didn’t know he was there, then Sam said something, and then I don’t know… we had an argument, I told him to fuck off a lot, and then the rest of the boys came in and then Max had a go saying he’d call security if he didn’t leave, so Sam left after mentioning that I was mental and all that other crap that happened ages ago, and now he’s texting me saying I should ‘ditch my boyfriend for a day so we can have a chat’ what a fucking creep! Xx
I waited for one last reply, as Josh was coming to bed now.
Fucking creep. Hope you told him to shove it where the sun don’t shine. Anyway, I worked out that its 1am there, so go to fucking bed, and given that you passed out yesterday and you’re probably grouchy and shit from tour buses. So go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you girl xx
Yes, it’s 1am, but I can’t sleep, but I shall do as I am told and ‘go to fucking bed’ tour buses are the worst to sleep in. Just saying. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you too xx
I turned off my phone so if I got any more harassing texts from Sam, I wouldn’t know. Josh got into bed and we were both lying on our sides looking at each other. He stroked my hair.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all that stuff before. I thought if you knew, you’d think differently of me.”
“I don’t, because I love you and I don’t particularly care about what you’ve done in the past. It doesn’t define who you are. If it happened in the past, it stays in the past, okay?”
“Okay, goodnight Josh,” I kissed him, and turned over so we were spooning.
“Goodnight, love.”
I could feel him falling asleep as his arms relaxed around me. I could hear the noise of someone playing the game still, so I got up. It was Max.
“Hey,” he said when I walked over to him. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“Can’t. Stressed and shit, can’t sleep.”
“Oh right.”
“Sam texted me.”
“Have you told Josh?” I shook my head. “What did he say?”
“He wanted me to ditch Josh for a day so we could ‘chat’.”
“Are you gonna?”
“I don’t know. I think I should deal with him, but I don’t want to go on my own, and he doesn’t want Josh there.”
“My advice, don’t go. Seriously Liz, if you go and something happens, you won’t forgive yourself.”
“Thanks Max.” I sat there for a while and watched him play.
When I went back to the bunk, I turned my phone back on.
Meet me tomorrow. They’re playing in Philadelphia. Get there and we’ll talk.
I was gonna regret this so much.