Let Me Fall

Chelsea Sommers watched the cars zoom down the street, before she tilted her head up, and let her eyes rest upon the bright lights twinkling against the dark canvas of the sky. She sighed, and pressed her clenched fist to her mouth, biting down on her lip hard she tried to pull herself away from the window and away from her thoughts, but she couldn't. Chelsea felt arms wrap around her waist, finally pulling herself out of her thoughts, she didn't turn, she knew exactly who's arms those belonged to.

“What are you doing awake?” He asked, his voice deep and ladened with tiredness, immediately Chelsea felt guilty as she turned to her left and caught sight of the clock on the stove in the kitchen. 3:22 AM.

“Couldn't sleep.” She told him softly, resting her head back on his chest. Nathan nodded, and planted a gentle kiss to her cheek.

He then said, “Come on.” Taking her hands in his he went to walk back in the direction of his bedroom, but Chelsea didn't budge, instead she gently pulled her hands from his, and finally met his eyes. Confused at the sudden amount of tears in her eyes Nathan asked, “Chels what's going on?”

She shook her head lightly, as if trying to keep herself from admitting what she was about to, but it was like a damn had broken and everything came out, “I can't do this anymore.”

“Do what?” He asked curiously, taking a few large steps back toward her Nathan reached for her hands, this time Chelsea didn't pull them back. She looked down at their intertwined fingers and sighed, holding them up slightly as if they had some sort of significance.

“This. Us.” She told him gently, terrified of her own words.

Nathan stared at her for a long time, not sure what to make of her words, before he said, a barely noticeable tremor in his voice, “What happened?”

Chelsea took her hands from his, and laid her palms flat against his bare chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath her palms was enough to nearly make her wrap her arms around him and tell him to forget it, but she couldn't. So she slowly said, “I don't know. The more I thought about it the more I realized that this isn't going anywhere.” The look of hurt that danced across Nathan's face made Chelsea's eyes well up with even more tears, so she added, “I love you, so much Nathan and this hurts to do, but I can't do this. I don't know how but somewhere along the way I lost who I was, I became Nathan's girlfriend, not Chelsea.”

Nathan shook his head lightly and tried to convince her, “Chelsea no one...I mean if that's what this is about--”

Cutting him off Chelsea told him softly, but sternly, “That's not all its about Nathan.” She took a deep breath, knowing that what was about to come wouldn't be easy for him to understand, in fact she was sure he might not even understand it at all, but she said it anyways, “I know that swimming is your life, and I am so proud of you for everything you've done, but at some point I became the swimmers girlfriend and I can't be that. At one point in my life I knew exactly who I was, and where I was going, and now I have no idea. Now I just wait to figure out what your schedule looks like, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it's not me.”

“So stop going to my meets, find things that make you happy, Chelsea that's all I ever want for you. Is for you to be happy.” Nathan spoke softly, knowing this was not a conversation he wanted his roommates to hear. He brought his hands up, and cupped her cheeks, stroking her skin with his thumbs.

“And I love you for that, but I need you to try and understand that this is something I need to do.” Chelsea started, but was cut off by Nathan pressing his lips against hers, in a lame attempt to silence her. The gesture alone caused tears to fall from Chelsea's eyes, sliding down her cheeks, Nathan sighed, and wiped them away before Chelsea said, “You're making this harder for me to do.”

There was a small smile on Nathan's lips before he said, “Then don't go.”

Chelsea bit down on her lip again, and glanced around the small living room of the home Nathan and two of his friends lived in, she had spent most of her time in this house, it was like home. She knew all the secrets, all the hiding places, she knew that just behind the couch was an orange stain from when someone spilled pasta sauce on the wall, she knew that there was a piece of the flooring that squeaked if you stepped in a precise spot. She spent more time in this house than she did in her own, so much that the two of them had even made plans to buy their own house the following year.

With a sigh she said, “I love you Nathan, I really do, but this...I just need a break. I need to go home, and I need to get away from this and figure out where to go from there. I'm not saying that I don't love you, because I do, and that's what I need you to know, and this is so hard for me to do, it's not something I'm doing carelessly, and I'm not saying that I never want you to be happy but I don't know if I could handle seeing you with someone else, that's why I'm moving back home for a bit. I need to figure out what I'm doing.”

“Why does that mean that we can't work this out? Why can't we try? Just let me fix this Chels, I promise you I'll do everything I can to make it right.” There was a quiet desperation in Nathan's voice as he said this that shook Chelsea to the core, she had never once seen Nathan this way, and it scared her. She shook her head, and leaned her forehead against his chest, days ago she would have smiled at the way he comforted her by wrapping his arms around her tiny body and resting his chin on her head, but today it just made her feel worse.

Pulling away from him Chelsea said, blinking away her tears, “I should go.”

Nathan shook his head and took her hands in his, pleading once again, tears filling up his own eyes, “Please. Please don't go, just tell me how to fix this, tell me how to make it okay.”

Chelsea shook her head again and looked up at him before she said, “It's not your fault Nathan. Don't do that to yourself. You can't fix it, because it's not us that's broken, it's me.”

“There's always something, there's always something to fix just tell me what to do to make it better. Please. Chelsea please.” He was mumbling slightly, and for the first time in the three years they had known each other Nathan wasn't looking her in the eye.

Chelsea tried not to let him see that she was hurting for him, because her own pain was hard enough to deal with, she squeezed his hands and said, “I love you.”

“I love you too Chelsea.” Nathan started, but the look in Chelsea's eyes told him to stop talking.

Still holding onto Nathan's hands, Chelsea looked at him, and said softly, “Then let me go.”

She was sure she was going to have to hurt him even more in order to leave, but after a few seconds she felt his grip on her hands loosen, before their fingers came apart from each other and Chelsea found her hands back at her sides. Glancing up at him Chelsea leaned up on her tip toes and kissed him gently, before she moved past him, stopping at the door to the house, to find him turned slightly, watching her.

Chelsea slipped off his sweater, and left it folded over the back of a chair, before she closed the door behind her, and got into her car. She pulled out of the drive, and parked her car around the corner, where she put her head on the wheel and cried.

Nathan sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and bit back his tears, closing his bedroom door behind him he leaned against the wall, sitting down on his bed. He bent his knee, and rested his elbow on it, putting his head in his hands he took a deep breath of air in, and shakily blew it back out. It was in that exact moment that he sat back up, slipped his shoes on, pulled a sweater over his bare torso, and ran out the door, the cool California rain fell on his face as he took off down the road, finding Chelsea's car sitting at a stop sign, not moving.

Chelsea was already out of the car, the rain soaking her skin, her eyes fell upon Nathan, who was watching her with intense brown eyes as he walked up to her, and kissed her hard, before he pulled back, rested their foreheads together and said, “I need you to listen to me.”

She nodded and said, “Okay.”