I Love You, Why Can't You Love Me?

I wish I could tell him.
Tell him eveyrthing.
But if you're a girl you understand.
It's not that easy.
Especially when he has feelings for another girl..

I grew feelings our Junior year of high school.
Two years after we met.
I've loved him for three.
He's loved Ashley for six months.
I know what you're thinking.
Then tell him.
It's not that simple.
He says she's the One.
I don't deny it because he is my best friend and I want to help him.
But I don't want him to have her.
I want him to have me.
I want him to want me.
Not Ashley Purnpike.
The bitch in our english class at Greenhill Ridge College.
We're sophmores.

I watch him and her every day.
Smiling at each other.
Laughing.
Flirting.
Kissing.
It's disgusting.
Makes me even more depressed than I am.
And believe me i'm suffering.
I cry every night.
My roommate Lillianna conforts me.
She's the best.
When i'm crying she tells me how much better I am.
How he's losing someone special.
When she's out with her boyfriend I cry to myself.
Put myself down.
Whatelse am I supposed to do?
I never dealt with depression well.
I am a self harm recoveree.
I went to rehab for it junior year.
Brian thinks it's because my mom left.
It was because of him.

You can say it.
My life is a big sack of shit.
Lies.
Self pity.
Depression.
I was stupid.
I still am stupid.
But i'm sulking.
Moping.
I just want him to want me.



"Hello?" I answered my phone.
"Belle. I need your help on something." Brian said panicking.
"What is it?"
"I don't know what to get Ashley for her birthday."
"When is her birthday?"
"In three days."
July 17th...
"Well what does she like?"
"That's the thing. I don't know."
"You've been dating her for six months and you don't know?!" I fake yelled.
"You know me. I don't know anything about anyone besides myself."
"So you mean to tell me you know nothing about me."
"You're different."
"How?"
"You're my best friend. You should know everything about your best friend. Plus i've known you longer."
"Brian you knew everything about me in two months."
He groaned.
"Belle please."
I sighed.
"Fine. You owe me."
"Thank you! Come shopping with me!"
"God you sound like a girl."
"Shut up and get your ass over here!"
I laughed and hung up.
He always made everything better by joking around but I had to remember we were shopping for Ashley Purnpike. The evil Witch.

"Lilly i'm going out!" I yelled throughout the apartment not knowing where she was.
"Where to?!"
"Brian needs help!"
I saw her pop out from the kitchen.
"For what?"
I sighed.
"To get the evil wicked witch of the west a birthday present."
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
"God help that man and his blindness..." She shook her head going back to the kitchen.
"Be back later!"
"Yeah!"

I walked out and got in my car.
I blasted The Funeral by Band Of Horses.
I loved this song.

Once I parked in front of his apartment complex I got out grabbing my wallet.
I didn't carry a purse.
I hated purses.

I pressed the button for his apartment and spoke into the speaker.

"Beauty to Beast. Come in. Beauty to Beast."
Brian made up nicknames in high school.
Since m name was Belle he thought it'd be funny that I was Beauty and he was Beast like the movie. Of course I thoguht he was calling me Beautiful at the time.
"Buzz me in!" I said after five minutes.
"Come down."
He buzzed me in and I ran up to his apartment.
I busted in and found him on the couch eating a waffle.

"Really? This is what took you so long?!"
"Hey Beauty doesn't have a temper."
"I'm no princess."
"True. But still." That hurt.
I sighed and sat by him.
"So, what's the plan."
"What would you want if you had a boyfriend and he was going to get you a present?"
"I wouldn't want a present. A nice dinner and walk on the beach is good with me but Ashley is different so it doesn't matter what I think."
"How is she different."
I gave him the 'look'.
"Brian are you fucking blind? We are nothing alike. She likes to wear high heels while I rather where vans or flats. She rather go to a fashion show while I rather go to a concert. She would scream if she got a little dirt on her new Prada purse while I would laugh and brush it off. Not that I have a purse. But you get the point. I'm nothing like her. She's.....perfect while i'm plain, boring, and ugly. Nothing like her so why are you asking me?"
I was looking down at my lap by now playing with the hem of my shirt.
"Belle." I didn't look up. Scared of what i'd see.
"Isabelle Elizabeth Kingsley!"
I looked up at him. When he says my full name he means business.
"Don't you dare say that again. You are not ugly. You're pretty. You're deffinately not plain and boring. Why would you say that?"
"Don't worry about it. Let's go." I said getting up.
Just as I was wlaking out the door he grabbed my hand turning me around.
"Belle."
"I don't want to talk about, Brian." I whispered walking out.

****************************************************

We walked into a Kay Jewelers.
As soon as he walked towards it my heart stopped.
He was not thinking of getting a ring...

He chose a diamond necklace that cost him two hundred dollars.
I was against it.
But he insisted.
I sighed to myself.
I can't save him.
I can't stop him.
He's going to waste his money on her for nothing.

Soon he finished.
He bought her a diamond necklace and he made reservations at the fanciest italian resturaunt in town. He said he was going to get her a dozen red roses the day of.
about four hundred bucks right there.
I couldn't believe him..
He's never went this far before...

Before I left his apartment he stopped me.
"Thanks for being such a good friend, Belle."
"No problem. It's my job as your friend. To help." I fake smiled.
"Is there something you want to say? I feel like your hiding something." Fuck.
"No. Not at all. Just happy for you." I fake smiled again.
"Okay. Well i'm here if you need me."
"I know. I should probably get back to Lilly."
"Right."
I smiled and left.
I practically ran to my car and sped home crying.
I walked in the apartment just as Lilly came out of the kitchen.

"Belle what happend?"
I shook my head as the tears fell.
"Come here."
I accepted her hug soaking her shirt.
"He bought her a two hundred dollar necklace, Lilly!"
She let me go and looked me in the eye.
"What?!"
I nodded.
"And he made reservations at Lil Italianos Resturaunt!"
"I'm going to chop his balls off one day for doing this to you."
She ran her fingers through my hair as we laid in my bed.
Might sound like we're lesbians or something but I needed her.
I needed a ffriend to help me.
My mom vanished form my life in high school.
Lilly was the only one who I confided in.
I soon fell asleep crying.
This happened every time after Brian and I hung out.
He always talked about how amazing and beautiful Ashley was.
What was I supposed to do?
I was being a good friend by helping him stay happy.
Not suffer with me.