Breaking Free

"So, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
 
I try to ease the new guy, Declan, into the conversation without giving away that I already know the answer.
 
"I have a twin sister, she moved here too."
 
"Oh, really? I haven't seen her around."
 
"Well, when you do see her, don't talk to her," he warns, "she's a bitch."
 
"Actually, we've already met."
 
"What?!" Declan's voice rises in alarm.
 
"I bumped into her coming out of the bathroom this morning and you're right: she is full on."
 
"Yeah, well just, try to stay out of her way. She's the reason we had to move here. She got us expelled from our old school for vandalising school property. She was caught on camera, but because we look the same, the principal couldn't tell which one of us it was and so, here I am!"
 
I roll my eyes at his idea of a problem, and then remember a normal teenager would think it is.
 
"Wow that is bad."
 
"Yeah, well ah, moving on then. What kind of music do you listen to? One Direction, Justin Timberlake? Or are you more of a Britney Spears kind of girl?"
 
"I suppose they're okay. I'm not really into that kind of stuff, though." Declan is the perfect example for the phrase 'looks can be deceiving'. He looks like an extroverted bad boy: black hair styled so the fringe covers the top of his left, piercing, blue eye and a hint of a smile always playing at the corner of his lips. He's dressed in a simple black long-sleeve shirt and slightly worn jeans.
 
"What are you into?" Obviously glad he isn't going to spend the next half hour listening to how cute some pop star is.
 
"Avril, Kelly Clarkson, oldish pop-rock stuff I guess." I name the first artists that pop into my head; I haven't listened to an awful lot of music since it happened. I'm doubtful he's even heard of them.
 
"No way, me too! In all the schools I've been to, I've never met someone who listened to the same music I do," he laughed, "Give me your iPod, maybe I've finally met my musical soul mate." I don't know how to tell him that I don't have one- every normal teenager does- so I decide to just blurt it out.
 
"I don't have one."
 
"Your phone then," he persists.
 
"Don't have one," anger is present in my voice.
 
"If you don't want me to look at your stuff that's fine, but there's no need to lie to me about it."
 
"I'm not lying!" My volume rises slightly.
 
"I don't believe you!"
 
"Well you should. I'm telling the truth!" I look at him, really look at him, for the first time since we've met and I almost regret withholding the truth from him. His eyes are full of honesty, concern and at this moment- pain. Pain because, like everyone else, I can't tell him the real story. Difference being, he knows it.
 
"If you can't tell me the truth, at least have the decency to tell me why." It's those words, in his soft as silk voice, that finally break me. A lump forms in my throat and a tear escapes the corner of my eye. Buckling under his gaze, I let a miniscule scream slip from my mouth and run off to the one place where I don't have to lie to anyone: my father's grave.
 
 
 
I kneel and place the bunch of flowers next to my father's headstone.
 
"He will forever be in our hearts."
 
I read the engraving out loud as I always do on these visits.
 
"Dad, I need your advice."
 
I settle into the grass, taking off my scarf and placing it under my bottom.
 
"I finally thought things were getting better. I mean, mum was still sick and Jack was still hurting me, but apart from that, all was right in the world."

I nod at a woman passing by. I see her here quite often; her husband's grave is a few rows down.
 
"And then everything had to go and turn pear-shaped on me again. Holly's moved into the street, there are new kids at school and one of them, one of them is a complete bitch; but the other, he's handsome and polite and he's the first person outside the family who I've actually wanted to tell the truth to. I don't know what it is but, he's different; He could be my first real friend ever," I sigh, "But I think I've messes it all up and, and I just wish you were here to help me figure it out."
 
I stand up and wipe a single tear from the corner of my eye.
 
"I love you, Dad."