Good Love

“Helloooooo, Utah! How’re we doin’ tonight?!” John yelled into the microphone, causing the crowd to erupt into cheers. They were doing pretty good, apparently.

Annie could happily say the same about herself; she’d had a damn good day. After the concert in Vegas the night before, they’d all passed out on the way to Salt Lake City, and Annie had miraculously gotten a good night’s sleep. She didn’t even need to lay in the back lounge like last night, which felt like a huge -but still pathetic- accomplishment.

After drinking a cup of coffee in the morning and feeling refreshed, the day got even better as she was able to eat an entire plate of pancakes at a restaurant they stopped at, not feeling sick even once. She and John had even had a decent, but short, conversation at breakfast. So what if it was about differing opinions on ghosts, vampires, and the loch ness monster?

Then, she’d gotten through the whole day with smoking only two cigarettes, much to Jared’s excitement. Apparently big brothers don’t enjoy watching little sisters destroy their lungs. Who knew.

And finally, she’d just pitched her photography idea to Tim, who loved it. He said he’d get Annie a special press pass to get inside the barricade for tomorrow night’s show, and she felt like jumping for joy for the first time in a while.

“So, uh, this song here is the basically the first song we’ve ever written... and it’s about a flower!” John laughed, launching into their first song of the night. On stage next to him, Garrett was dancing like a maniac already, Jared was being the mysterious guitarist as always with Kennedy by his side, and Pat was beating away at his drums.

Instead of heading to the bar or finding a place to sit, Annie stood against the balcony railing like she had the night before, taking it all in. For the moment, everything felt flat out good. Maybe yesterday had just been a bad day.

Annie continued to watch the boys play as the night progressed, humming along to their songs. It felt good to lose herself in the music, even if the man singing it wasn’t exactly her favorite person.

Currently, he was jumping on stage with his shirt off, belting out lyrics. Curiosity got the better of her, and she squinted her eyes to see the tattoos on John’s chest. She knew he had more, but the only one she could see was the lyrics below his sharp collarbones. Who gets their own lyrics tattooed on their self? she thought. She could understand Garrett’s tattoo of the cardinology symbol; Ryan Adams was his favorite singer, but John’s tattoo only stroke her as arrogant. Though Annie knew she shouldn’t have expected any more from John at this point.

***

Before she knew it, Austin was sneaking up behind her and pulling her downstairs to the backstage, and then the boys were all done playing for the night. She could hear the crowd cheering as the guys and the crew packed up their instruments and equipment, and Annie felt herself smiling despite her dislike towards John, who was probably who the crowd was cheering for.

“So what’d ya think, Annie? Huh??” Pat asked excitedly, jumping up and down in front of her. He was clearly still pumped up from the show. Meanwhile, the other boys looked half-dead.

“I loved it, Pat! You know I would,” she laughed, making a face as Pat pulled her in for a sweaty hug.

“I’m so glad you came on tour, sis,” Jared admitted, stealing a hug from Annie after Pat released her. “It’s much more fun having you here.”

“Thanks, Jare. I’m glad I came, too. It’s definitely better than sitting at home,” she said, trying to be polite but honest. Tour wasn’t exactly her favorite activity, but she didn’t want to hurt her brother’s feelings. Plus, tour was getting progressively better.

She continued chatting with Pat and Garrett for a while until everyone was ready to go. Slowly, the big group of boys filed out of the venue. She could hear their complaints about the venue not allowing them to stay outside and meet fans, which was unfortunate.

The backstage area had slowly vacated, leaving only Austin, Annie, Tim, and John. Tim and John were grabbing a few last-minute things, while Austin was lingering around the room, and Annie didn’t want to leave him on his own. He was a bit intoxicated. Again.

She was working on ushering him out the door when she heard someone clear their throat behind her, and turned to see John from across the room, looking at her. Keeping a poker face, she returned his gaze as the tall, sandy-haired boy opened his mouth, as if to say something, but quickly shut it and gave her a small smile instead.

The smile surprised Annie so much that she couldn’t force out a reaction; instead she continued pushing Austin towards the parking lot. As they boarded the bus, she wondered what John was going to say to her, or if he was going to say anything to her at all.

Shortly, John and Tim loaded onto the bus, but John didn’t look at her, and she hadn’t expected him to. If he was going to say something to her, Annie was sure he wouldn’t do it in front of everyone else.

“So who’s up for steak?” Tim hollered, causing the boys to cheer. Annie rolled her eyes; what boy didn’t go crazy for steak?

They worked out directions and eating arrangements, and headed towards the nearest steak joint in town, with their friend Peter driving the bus. Annie was apprehensive about dinner, but was determined to eat tonight. Today had been a good day. She’d be able to handle one more course of food, right?

***

Wrong.

As the waiter placed a plate of food in front of her, her stomach instantly churned from her seat inside the restaurant. Around her, her friends were excitedly digging into their meal, not thinking twice about whether or not they could eat it, like Annie was.

She envied them, each and every one of them. They were fine, they were all just fine. None of them had to walk around with an ever-present ache in their chest. They all knew where each and every scar on their bodies had come from, while she was discovering new blemishes each day. None of them had nightmares or claustrophobia keeping them up at night. Everything was perfect.

Annie envied her friends, but couldn’t bring herself to hate them for it. She’d kill to be as carefree as the boys sitting next to her. What they had was a gift: the gift of trust, of trust in other people, of trust in themselves.

She knew she was getting better, slowly, with the help of her brother and her doctor and her medicine -hell, even her friends- but it was still so goddamn hard.

“You okay, sis?” Garrett asked, leaning his head closer to look Annie in the eyes.

She almost wanted to laugh, feeling a sense of deja vu. If she had a dime for every time someone asked her the question ‘are you okay?’ in the past couple of months, she’d be rich.

Instead, she held in her twisted laughter and simply nodded, not trusting her mouth to form words. She knew the tenor of her voice would betray her, and her words would come out jumbled and unsure.

Garrett smiled sympathetically, as if he knew things really weren’t okay, and patted her softly on the shoulder. Luckily, Annie didn’t flinch at his touch. Garrett was one of the few people that she truly trusted.

As if to prove to not only Garrett but herself too, she picked up her knife and fork and cut into the steak in front of her. She cut a little piece, chewed, and swallowed. It tasted good.

She felt a spark of optimism and continued to eat slowly, taking little bites and breathing through her nose. Before she knew it, she had eaten half of her steak and part of the baked potato on her plate.

Annie relaxed into the chair, looking at her friends. There was barely enough room at the table to fit all of them, but they had somehow managed. Across from her, Kennedy and Tim were laughing loudly at something Jared had said, to her right Peter and John were daring Pat to eat a concoction they had put together, and to her left Garrett was poking a passed-out Austin. She rolled her eyes but laughed at them. They were all children stuck in adults’ bodies.

She picked up her fork to take another bite, and caught a whiff of the food on her plate.

And that was it. Game over. Her lovely little stomach would have no more of that.

Cupping her hand over her mouth, Annie whispered to Garrett where she was going before running towards the bathroom. Luckily they had passed it as they came in the front door, so she knew right where to go. She managed to trip a woman coming in her direction and bump into a waitress carrying a platter of drinks, but didn’t care one bit.

Finally, Annie made it to the bathroom, slamming a stall door shut behind her before retching up all the food she had eaten within twenty-four hours.

She crouched in the stall for a couple minutes after she was finished, puking until only water came up.

On shaking legs, she wiped her mouth with a piece of toilet paper, flushed, washed her hands, and left the bathroom. Thankfully, the bathroom had remained empty while she was inside.

She slowed as she exited the bathroom, eyeing the table full of her friends. She didn’t think she could handle sitting in the restaurant any longer; she felt hot and panicky. Silently, she slipped out the front door, embracing the cool night air. Utah was definitely colder than Arizona, no doubt. She was surprised there wasn’t snow on the ground, it was winter after all.

She wandered along the side walk for a while, not knowing what to do with herself. She didn’t want to go back to the bus, but she didn’t want to go back inside the restaurant, either. And she sure as hell didn’t feel safe enough sitting on the sidewalk, alone, at night.

And so, ten minutes later, that was how Annie found herself laying on top of the bus. She’d found the skimpy ladder attached to the side of bus, like most did, and climbed up. It was actually rather soothing. The wind calmed her panic, and she was able to relax as she stared up at the starry sky. The moon was only a sliver in the sky, but beautiful nonetheless.

***

“God, where the hell is she?” Jared yelled, putting his face in his hands as a waitress exited the women’s bathroom to inform him that his sister wasn’t in there.

She’d told Garrett that she was going to the bathroom, but still hadn’t returned by the time the bill was paid and the boys were ready to go.

“Dude, we haven’t even checked the entire parking lot, it’s gonna be okay,” Garrett said, calming his friend even though he was just as worried.

A few of the guys -including Austin, who’d perked up from unconsciousness as soon as he heard that Annie was missing- headed outside, while the rest agreed to check around the restaurant. Though Jared, the only one who knew Annie’s history, wanted to call 911 right then and there. He was determined not to let anyone or anything hurt his baby sister again, and even the slightest possibility that she was hurt scared him to death.

Meanwhile, the boys ran around the parking lot in a frenzy, not taking time to search the lot as carefully as John had.

He spotted Annie on top of the bus easily, her blonde hair blowing in the breeze, and almost laughed. There she was, star gazing, while everyone else went crazy for her.

Instead of yelling to the other guys like he should have, he scaled the ladder and hopped onto the roof of the bus. John cautiously took a seat next to her, not knowing what to say. Obviously she’d left the restaurant, and obviously she chose not to respond her friends’ yelling in search of her, for a reason.

“That ladder is sketchy as fuck,” he said, finally, after a minute of silence. He felt triumphant as he earned a small laugh from the girl.

She didn’t respond, and John took the initiative to study her as she lay next to him. The moon covered her in a soft, natural light, showing off the angles of her knobby knees and the flush of her cheeks. He couldn’t help but see, not for the first time, the beauty of Annie Monaco. She might have had a switchblade attitude, but that didn’t stop her from looking as sweet as a doll.

“Stop staring,” she whispered, her voice lacking its usual venom.

“Sorry, I don’t have my camera with me,” he said. Then, silence. “So uh, everyone’s going crazy looking for you, ya know?”

Annie sighed. “I know.”

“So were you just gonna stay up here all night?”

“No, I just wasn’t ready to come down yet.”

“It is pretty nice out here. Beautiful sky. A little chilly, though.”

“Maybe you should go ask a nice gentleman for his jacket,” she said, smiling meekly. Even in her weakest moments, she still had her humor.

John chuckled. “So you wanna tell me what happened inside?”

Another sigh. “Not particularly.”

“Well, you know they’re all gonna ask why the hell you’re up here in the first place, so you might as well spill now,” he said gently, being careful not to push her too far. After Jared’s outburst on him, he’d realized how big of a dick he’d been, and as determined to make it up to her.

“It’s not a big deal, John. I threw up my dinner. And my breakfast. So what?”

“Did ya catch a flu bug?”

“Food just doesn’t agree with me very well. Especially meat.”

John’s eyebrows scrunched at her words; food didn’t agree with her? Food was what kept her alive!

But instead of questioning her, he simply accepted it. Something had happened to her, before she moved to Tempe, and they all knew it. They just didn’t know what that something was, but John was sure it now had to do with her odd behavior.

“Well, I’ve got some crackers on the bus, if you’re interested,” he said, looking at her. Annie’s hair was sprawled out next to her head, laying in messy curls.

She stared at the sky for another minute, before raising herself into a sitting position. For the first time that night, her eyes locked with John’s, and in the moonlight she could see the light green of his irises.

“I suppose we should get down now, before my brother calls the cops,” she said softly.

He nodded, and the two began scooting towards the ladder. Before either of them started down it, John abruptly turned towards Annie and stopped her, when he noticed that she was getting ready to say something, too.

“You first,” he laughed.

“Thank you, John,” Annie whispered sincerely. She felt better after talking to him, no matter how brief the conversation.

“You’re welcome, Ann. Any time.”

“So what were you going to say?”

“I, uh,” he stuttered, “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. For how I’ve been acting towards you. I’ve been kind of a dick, lately.”

She looked at him, her eyes meeting his fleetingly before the two looked away, both of them being oddly shy. She simply shrugged, giving him a small smile.

“Friends?” he asked, holding his hand out.

She placed her hand in his before shaking it, both of their smiles growing.

Maybe John O’Callaghan wasn’t such bad guy, after all.