Chocolate Eyes

Christmas was usually a big deal to the Haners. It was a celebration about family and this year it meant even more. This year they were all preparing Evander for his first Haner Christmas. They’d all gone all out, spoiling the boy with too many gifts and so much attention that he was over-tired by the end of the day and fell asleep in his dad’s lap not too long after they ate lunch. Papa Haner took the boy upstairs to the bedroom that they’d converted for him in their home. It was already filled with quite a few of his Christmas presents and gifts from before.

Brian had fought with the Kents to keep EJ for the holiday and they weren’t happy about his refusal to fly the boy out to them. He’d left their house with his son on sketchy terms after they found out that he had no immediate plan to return. Holly and James petitioned the courts so that they would have some visitations rights with their grandson, but the system didn’t work that way. They spent the month between the holidays in constant contact with Brian’s lawyer, having been redirected to him after James left Brian a couple nasty emails.

Despite the conflict, December passed quickly. It was filled with EJ’s school work and a Christmas recital where all the kids dressed up and sang songs. There was a huge group that attended the boy’s concert and they took up almost an entire roll in the elementary school auditorium. EJ made friends easily and Brian spent a lot of time ushering him around. They had already fallen into an effortless routine and by the time that Christmas break came around, neither of the Haner boys knew what to do with all the free time.

EJ woke up early the last Saturday of his vacation. He had gotten so used to sleeping in again that it felt strange to be awake so early. He knew his dad was still sleeping, so he stayed in bed a little while longer. He played in his room afterwards - it already felt like it belonged to him, and then wandered downstairs when he couldn’t wait any longer, careful not to wake his dad or Michelle as he tip-toed past their bedroom door.

His original goal was to make it to the basement, but when he got to the bottom of the first flight of stairs, he was distracted by the thought of the kitchen and how hungry he was. He rounded the staircase and cut through the living room. His dad never let him get his own meals, but kept a snack drawer for him next to the fridge. The child grabbed a fruit snacks and a prepackaged brownie and left the kitchen.

“Hey, Ev, good morning.”

The little boy stopped when he saw Michelle at the bottom of the stairs and tried to swallow quickly so that he could answer her. She grinned at him and walked towards him, intending to continue past him into the kitchen.

“I can make you something better to eat, if you want,” she said, running her fingers through his messy hair as she passed him. They’d gotten to a comfort level since he’d returned from his trip to his grandparents. Neither one of them tried too hard, but Michelle was always making a little effort to be on his good side. She’d learned early on that EJ was a sensitive child and learned from her own sister’s ease that trying too hard to be in his life only made him uncomfortable. So she quickly gave up that approach and went back to just being Brian’s wife and doing all the same things.

Evander didn’t answer, but he turned around and followed her back into the kitchen, setting the wrapped brownie on the counter so that he could get himself up onto the stool. When he was situated, he asked, “What are you making?”

She pulled a pan out and set it on the stove before moving to the fridge. “What do you want?” she asked without turning back to him right away. She opened the vertical fridge and freezer doors and pulled a couple ingredients out. “Eggs or french toast?”

The little boy eyed the frozen bagels that his dad always bought him from the store. They were wedged in between a couple items in the freezer. Michelle followed his gaze and smiled. She stuck the other foods back in the fridge and reached for the box.

“At least you always make it easy for me, EJ.” She took one of the egg and sausage bagels over to the pizza oven and stuck it in. “Do you want chocolate milk?” She grabbed him a glass without waiting for his answer. He drank the same thing almost every morning. They were constantly restocking the drink.

“Michelle,” Evander said when she set the cup in front of him. She stopped and leaned on the counter. “Do I have to go to school on Monday?” He wrapped his hands around the chocolate milk and waited.

“Yeah, your break is almost over, bud,” she answered, going to get his breakfast when the machine dinged, “You can’t stay home with your dad forever, you’ll never learn anything.”

“Daddy could teach me,” Evander answered, giggling at the idea.

“He could, could he?” Michelle asked, smiling at the fact that he found himself funny, “I’m sure there are a lot of things that your dad could teach you, but you would definitely learn more in school.” She set his plate down in front of him and warned him that it was hot so he needed to let it cool down first. He eyed it, but didn’t reach for it.

Instead he looked back up to his step-mother. “Is dad leaving soon?” he asked quietly, repeating the words he’d heard over the holiday. They’d spent Christmas day with his biological family, but the days prior and following where spent with a slew of different people. Mostly the band and members of their family.

Michelle paused. She didn’t know that Evander had known anything about the tour that was coming up. She’d barely spoken about it with Brian when they were home in fear of the child overhearing. He’d never been away from his father for more than a couple days and despite how much better their relationship was, Michelle didn’t know if leaving EJ home with her for months at a time would work out as well as they all wanted it to.

She wasn’t sure what to say to him. “EJ,” she faltered, her eyes dropping to the forgotten bagel on his plate, “Where did you hear that?” She slid her fingers together, pressing her palms into each other.

“I heard him talking about it with Zacky and Matt,” he said earnestly, “They said that they’re all supposed to go on a tor and that they wouldn’t be back.”

“A tour,” she corrected, watching how concerned the little boy got, “It’s where they travel together and play music for their fans, and they do come back, Evander, they just don’t come home right away.”

“Am I going?” he asked, jumping right to the heart of his fear, “I don’t want to stay here.”

“That’s something you have to talk about with your dad, EJ,” Michelle answered, frowning as he practically threw himself off the stool, leaving his breakfast forgotten. The little boy darted across the kitchen and through the living room. She walked after him slowly, not wanting to interrupt on the moment he was going to have with his father. She waited downstairs in the living room.

EJ climbed the steps as quickly as he could and barged into his dad’s room. The man was still asleep, his dark hair a mess against the beige pillow case. EJ clambered up into the oversized bed and pushed on Brian, trying to wake him as quickly as possible.

Brian rolled over and wrapped am arm around his son. “EJ? What’s wrong?” he questioned, still half asleep. He scooted up to the top of his bed and leaned against the headboard, blinking away the sleep as he searched for the time on the clock on his night stand. The curtains were pulled closed, so there was no light to indicate what time of day it was.

“Are you leaving me?” EJ asked quickly, sitting on his knees next to his dad.

Brian was awake then and he sat up straighter, pulling the boy closer. “What’re you talking about, E?”

“I heard Matt say that you’re supposed to leave soon,” EJ spoke fast, “and Michelle said that you do leave but that you don’t leave forever and she said I had to talk to you to ask if I’m coming with you.”

Brian turned the nightstand light on. It was the only light beside that from the hallway and he could actually see his son’s expression. “Were you eavesdropping on me and Matt?” Bri asked, rubbing the back of his neck. His heart wasn’t really in it to reprimand the boy for listening in, but he needed to know how he’d overheard.

“I didn’t mean to,” EJ said, picking up on the fact that he wasn’t going to get in trouble for it, “But then you said that you would leave and I wanted to know when.” His little hands rested on Brian’s forearm and his eyes didn’t leave his father’s face.

“E, part of my job is that I travel and play music with my band,” Brian said, “but it’s not like I’m leaving you. I go and play music and then I come home. It’s not a big deal. You stay here and go to school and keep doing everything you normally do and when I come home, we’ll spend a bunch of time together.”

The child was in tears instantly. “I don’t want you to leave me,” he said, sinking lower into his spot as he sobbed, “Please, daddy, don’t go.”

Brian pulled him into his arms automatically. “Evander, it’s alright,” Brian soothed, pressing the boy’s face into his shoulder, “Please, E, stop crying. It’s going to be okay.” He held onto his son as he slid out of the bed and stood up. He was just wearing sweats and the child cried into his bare skin. Brian sat him down on the bed and kneeled in front of him.

“Evander, stop crying,” Brian said, moving his hands out of his face and brushing the blonde hair back. The little boy was forced to look at his father. “EJ, it’s alright. I’m not just going to disappear. I’m going to stop home as much as I can. Every free day, I’ll be here. I’ll be here so much that you won’t even have time to miss me. I promise. And you and Michelle will be able to come visit me too, and then, when school lets out, you can even come and stay with me on the bus for a few days at a time.”

Brian’s words didn’t do a whole lot to stop the tears, but the child wasn’t sobbing anymore. He’d caught his breath as he considered what his dad said. “When are you coming back?” the little boy asked, sounding sad and pitiful and breaking Brian’s heart.

“We leave in about two months and the tour ends near the end of your summer,” Brian explained, “Late July.” He waited for his son’s reaction, but the boy just sniveled, thinking it over.

“Why can’t I come with you?” EJ asked, bringing on a whole new set of tears.

Brian wiped them. “Because you won’t have any fun,” he said, hating the excuse, “and because you’ve got school. A tour bus is no place for a little boy, but I promise that you’ll be able to come visit me.”

“Whenever I want?” EJ asked pitifully.

Brian nodded quickly. “Yeah, I’ll make you a deal,” he said, brushing his son’s hair back, “If there’s ever a day that you miss me too much, I’ll come get you. If you get super sad and just wanna come visit, you can.”

“Even if I have school?” the boy asked, perking up just slightly. Brian never let him miss school. It was part of him trying to look good to the court system and be a good father to his son. He didn’t want to make any mistakes.

“Yeah, E, even if you have school,” Brian agreed, pressing a kiss to the boy’s head. “How ‘bout we make a deal?” He held out his pinky finger, “You’ll be in school for two months while I’m on tour, so how about I let you miss one day of school a month to come see me?”

EJ frowned. “Two days,” he negotiated.

Brian frowned then, thinking of the consequences. “That’s four days in two months, buddy,” he said, about to disagree, “That’s a lot of school you’re missing.”

“You’re missing it too,” EJ argued, crossing his arms over his chest as a way to show that he wouldn’t be pinky-promising with his father, “You’ll miss my soccer games.”

Brian had tried to get his son interested in piano or another instrument that the school offered through their music programs, but the blonde boy had insisted on branching out in a way his father never did. He wanted to play soccer, so Brian had signed him up for a spring league through the school. And now that was coming back around to bite him in the ass.

“I’ll teach you to play guitar,” Brian rebutted, knowing that his son really wanted to learn but hadn’t quite grown into the discipline that he needed to practice everyday. They’d already tried once and both of them had gotten frustrated and impatient. “When you come to visit, we’ll have a lesson, alright, bud?”

“But my soccer games,” Evander argued, “I want you to come.”

Brian knew he wasn’t going to win this battle. “Okay, you can visit me on two school days no matter what days and I’ll try to make it to two of your soccer games.” Brian knew this wouldn’t be an easy promise to keep. They were all scheduled for midday on Saturdays. It would take a lot of coordination and multiple flights per day.

EJ still was appeased. “Four and four,” he argued, although he was much closer to caving. He’d gotten over the tears because he wasn’t really thinking about his father leaving now and was more focused on making his deal.

“Four and two,” Brian caved first, knowing it would be easier to bring his son to him than to take himself to his son, “You can come visit me on four weekdays and I’ll try to make it two of your soccer games.”

Evander grinned. “And guitar,” he added.

Brian grinned at his son’s hardball. “Fine, you little rugrat,” he cheered, climbing onto the bed and throwing the child over his shoulder. Evander screamed in laughter when Brian got to his feet on the bed and lifted EJ with him. The ceilings were high enough that they weren’t anywhere close enough to hitting their heads, but Evander wasn’t used to being this far off the ground. He pressed his palms against his dad’s back to hold himself up right.

“Put me down!” EJ screamed, with nothing to hold onto since Bri wasn’t wearing a shirt, “Dad!”

Brian quickly pulled his son into his arms like a baby and dropped backwards onto his back the bed. EJ screamed and was unable to find anything to hold onto, but Brian laughed and cradled the boy, the two of them sprawled out on the mattress.

“You’re a scaredy-cat, E,” Brian joked, sliding the boy to the floor, “A big old chicken.” He stood up and stepped around his son. EJ was sitting on the ground, trying to regain his composure. He glared at his dad.

“No, I’m not,” he argued definitely, “You’re a chicken.”

“I’m not the one who was screaming,” Bri rebutted, pulling a clean t’shirt out of his dresser drawer.

EJ scampered up from the floor when Brian walked out of the room. He ran after his dad, his bare feet secure against the floor and met him at the stairs. “Do you live in a bus when you don’t live here?” E asked, picking up on the wording from earlier.

“Yeah,” Brian answered.

“Can I see it?” the little boy asked.

“It’s not going to be here for two months, Ev.”

The boy focused on getting to the bottom of the stairs and then asked, “Where is it?”

“We keep it in storage when we’re not using it.”

“Who owns it?”

Brian offered his wife a good morning smile and then turned around to face his son. EJ stopped walked immediately and peered up at his dad. “Why so interested in the bus?” Bri asked.

“If I ask who ever owns it and they say I can live on it, then I can come with you,” EJ answered, fleshing out his plan without seeing any of the pitfalls in it. He smiled triumphantly at his dad and sidestepped around him to go back to his breakfast.

“We all own it together,” Brian answered the questioned finally. He followed his son back into the kitchen. “So that means you have to listen to me when I tell you that you have to stay here.”

EJ climbed back up onto his stool. “Nu uh,” he rebutted, catching Brian off guard. Brian grabbed for his own breakfast bagel and tossed it in the pizza oven. He turned around and waited for his son’s response. EJ swallowed his bite quickly to answer. “If four of you own it, then only three of you have to say I can come.”

Brian was surprised by how complex the logic was for a four year old. “But I’m pretty sure that the guys are going to say what I tell them to say,” he answered, trying to stop this idea before EJ got his hopes up, “Especially since they know that you have school.”

“But I’ll tell them you can teach me,” EJ answered simply, “They’ll all help you.”

Brian sighed and got his bagel from the oven. Briefly, he wondered why Michelle hadn’t joined them for breakfast yet, but figured she didn’t want to get into the middle of one of their ‘discussions’. Brian put the bagel on a plate and licked the cheese that was oozing from it.

“E, you can’t come, buddy, I’m sorry,” he said, taking a seat across from his son, “You have to stay home and go to school and play soccer, and this summer you can come stay on the bus for awhile.”

“What about my birthday?” EJ asked between bites.

“What about it?” Brian asked the same way.

“Are you coming home for my birthday?” Evander questioned, “Or am I coming to you?”

“We’re coming home for your birthday, EJ,” Brian said like it was obviously, “None of us would miss it in a million years. We’ll have a party and everything.”

EJ nodded. “Okay.”

Brian watched as his son went back to eating his breakfast. There wasn’t one sign that he was upset about the news that had just been dropped on him. He was scary good at compartmentalizing and Brian didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Part of him wanted to keep talking it over with his son, but he also didn’t want to bring it up again and upset him more.

“What do you want to do today?” Brian asked when he was putting their plates in the sink.

“I don’t know,” EJ answered, shrugging his shoulders to go along with it.

Brian glanced back at him over his shoulder. “You’ve got today and tomorrow before you have to go back to school,” Brian said, rinsing off the plates, “There has to be something you want to do to before then.”

“Nope.”

“Well, I have an idea,” Bri said as he spun around and leaned down onto the island counter, “If there’s nothing you want to do, Uncle Matt and Aunt Val invited us over later. I bet they’d love it if we went.”

EJ nodded. “Okay.” He slid down from the stool. “I’ll get dressed.”

Brian watched him leave in a state of slight confusion. He was being more compliant than usual. Michelle walked into the kitchen, glancing back the way the little boy had gone. She’d seen him head and stairs and headed to her husband to talk it over.

“How’d that go?” she asked, referring to the conversation he’d had with his son.

Brian gave her a look. “Why’d you tell him?” he asked, although not angry, “I thought we decided that I was going to tell him in a few days.”

“He already knew,” she defended, taking the little boy’s spot at the island, “I wasn’t just going to deny it. He would hate me for lying to him when you finally told him.”

“Yeah, well now we’ve got to take him over to your sister’s and let them drop more news on him,” Brian complained, clearing the empty chocolate milk cup from the table. “I really don’t think he can handle this much news at one time.”

“He’ll be fine, Bri,” Michelle rebutted, “He’s really resilient. You can’t worry about him so much. Especially not since you’re leaving, you just have to trust that he’s going to be alright. He’s a smart boy.”

“He’s four,” Bri answered, “It doesn’t matter how smart he is. He’s four and his mom died and left him with a stranger and now he’s finally getting close to that stranger and he’s leaving him again. He’s going to be completely dejected. He’s going to feel like I don’t love him.”

Michelle gave her husband a look. “First, you’re not a stranger, you’re his father. Second, you’re going to talk to him everyday and be here so often that he’s not going to have time to be upset about you not being here. And I understand you’re worried because of his past, but like I said, he’s a really strong kid and he’ll be alright.”

Brian knew that it was true, that he would indeed be alright in a lot of ways, but Brian still couldn’t stomach the thought of what his son would be thinking when he actually left him. There was enough time between then and now that EJ could brush it off and pretend that it wasn’t a big deal, but Brian had seen him burst into tears almost instantly at the thought being left behind.

When it came down to actually leaving him, Bri wasn’t sure if he’d be able to just walk away and leave Evander crying on the sidewalk, begging for him to come back for him.