Chocolate Eyes

EJ’s first week with Michelle was rough and it was simply because the little boy made it that way. He refused to accept his father’s absent easily and spent all his time ignoring the woman who was tasked with having to look after him for the next few months. The rest of that Saturday, they spent with Michelle’s sister and Sunday was spent getting used to Brian being gone from the house. Evander mostly kept to himself and Michelle understood, giving him time to adjust.

But Monday morning came too soon. Michelle had never been the one to wake EJ and get him ready for school. Brian loved the small moments with his boy and took joy in getting Evander off to school.Michelle climbed out of bed a little earlier than usual than her or Brian normally did. She knew it would take an adjustment for them to get into the swing of things.

She got ready first. She showed, got dressed, and brushed her hair and teeth, before she went into his room and leaned down at the edge of his bed. He was still asleep, rolled up in his blankets and facing away from her. She rubbed his back and called his name softly, trying to be gentle. There had been mornings where Brian roused him too quickly and the couple spent the morning regretting his actions. EJ was usually a pleasant boy, but mornings were hard on him.

When Michelle got EJ awake, she picked out his clothes for him and helped him change. He claimed to dislike the outfit with a couple small comments, but he didn’t want to switch it or put up a fuss. Michelle lead him to the bathroom and wrangled his hair before handing him his pre-pasted toothbrush and turned the water on for him.

“Anything you want to eat for breakfast?” she asked softly, lingering in the doorway. She was trying her hardest to seem like this came natural to her, but no matter how much she cared for him, he was Brian’s son and all he wanted was Brian.

“No,” he said, not looking at her. He stuck the toothbrush in his mouth so that he wouldn’t be able to speak anymore and Michelle took that as her cue to leave.

She made him a bigger breakfast than usual. They had time before he had to be to school. And she rounded up his backpack, shoes, and homework before he came downstairs. Every morning Brian checked his bag to make sure he had the assignments they’d worked on the night before, and Michelle did the same.

“What’re you doing?” EJ asked when he walked into the kitchen. Michelle was at the island with his backpack in front of her and a couple papers in her hands.

“Just making sure you’ve got everything,” she said, “There’s pancakes and eggs on the table.” She slid the papers into the Spiderman folded and stuffed it down in the bag. She zipped it and set it on the chair next to him, alongside his shoes.

“My dad already looked at it,” he answered, sitting in his usual chair, “We did it Friday.”

“I know, sweetheart,” she answered, sitting down across from him, “I just wanted to double check. Your dad told me to make sure.” She ate with him and they stayed mostly quiet. With Brian there, she fell easily into conversation with the boy and even on days were it was just the two of them for a short period of time. But knowing that Brian was gone and not coming back for months was a speed bump in their relationship and it made everything even more awkward.

When they were finished eating, Michelle rounded up the dishes and loaded them into the washer while the boy tied his shoes. It was warm enough to go without a jacket and Michelle didn’t want to worry about him having to cart it around all day, so she led him out without one.

“You know you have soccer practice on Saturday,” she said as she locked the door behind them, “Make sure that you get your uniform this week.” She turned around and followed him down the walk. He was ignoring her words and she repeated them.

“I heard you,” he answered quickly, folding his arms over his chest.

“You know, Val mentioned yesterday that she wants to come and see you play on Saturday,” she explained, “We’re both really excited to see you out there on the field.”

“Why?” he asked, waiting for her to unlock the car doors.

“Because it’s a big deal,” she said, “And we want to take lots of pictures to send to your dad. He’s going to want to hear all about it.” She didn’t offer to help him in the vehicle because she knew he wouldn’t have wanted it and he climbed inside the best he could. She buckled him in as he answered her.

“It’s just practice,” he said, “It’s not a game. I can go by myself.”

“Your dad will be really bummed if he doesn’t see you in your uniform out there on the field.” She made sure that he was secured before she pushed the backdoor closed. She got in the driver’s seat and pulled out into traffic.

“I don’t want him to see pictures,” EJ answered, sounding like the pouty child that he was becoming, “I want him to come home and see me.”

“He will,” she answered, “Eventually.”

The boy didn’t respond and it stayed that way for the rest of the ride to the school. When they got there, he was insistent that he could walk inside by himself, but Brian took him in everyday and Michelle wasn’t sure if she’d be able to go the whole day without worrying about if he actually made it there or not. He was a smart boy and no doubt would’ve arrived at the classroom, but it was routine to walk him in, and Michelle wasn’t going to break it.

“I can go by myself,” he complained as she followed him to the front door and inside.

Michelle had only been in his school one time before this. She’d been to the building countless times, but usually remained in the car when Brian went in to get Evander. The time she came in was just last week when Brian had taken her in and showed her around when they picked up EJ. It was part of her training, part of getting ready to do this all on her own.

She walked at the boy’s side to the classroom and wasn’t sure if she should take him all the way in or just let him go. Brian had given her a play-by-play of their mornings, but she wasn’t him. He walked EJ all the way to his seat every morning before class started and stayed long enough to put the boy’s backpack and coat in his cubby.

She didn’t have the opportunity to make the decision because a short-haired red-headed woman came walking over and called to her by name. Michelle became aware of the look on her face and put a smile there instead. EJ stood in front of her, his eyes moving to the woman that was coming towards them.

“Mrs. Haner,” she greeted warmly, holding her hand out for the woman to shake, “I’m Ms. Fadden, EJ’s teacher.”

Michelle shook the woman’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you,” she replied honestly, “I’m EJ’s step-mom. You can just call me Michelle.”

“Your photo is in EJ’s file,” the young teacher responded, referring to the system that she and Brian had created to ensure that EJ was only allowed to leave with certain people, “That and I figured that you must be close family since you’re not Brian. It’s pretty rare that Brian’s not here in the mornings.”

“He’s away with his band,” Michelle explained, glancing to the little boy, “It’s just the two of us for awhile.” They stood in the hallway, just right of the classroom door, and the young teacher greeted other students as they walked inside with their parents. Michelle’s eyes lingered on some of the adults going inside and she wondered if they could tell how out of her element she was.

“He’s on tour,” EJ corrected to his teacher, “But I get to visit him whenever I want, and he’s coming home to see some of my soccer games.”

Michelle had half a heart to reassure her that EJ wasn’t able to visit Brian whenever he wanted, but she didn’t. Instead she smiled at the teacher who responded to him.

“That sounds like it’ll be fun,” she said, reaching out to touch his light hair, “Why don’t you go inside while I finish introducing myself to your step-mom? I’ll be right in.” She nudged him towards the entrance of the class room.

He glanced back at Michelle, who offered him a smile. “I’ll be right out here to pick you up when you get done,” she said, “I was thinking we could go out for dinner and call your dad when we get home.”

EJ nodded, keeping his excitement shielded.

“Alright, then it’s a plan,” Michelle said, “Have a good day, Ev. I’ll see you later.”

The boy walked inside without another word. He was already sliding the backpack off his shoulders. Michelle relaxed slightly when he was gone. She had gotten through the morning without anything going wrong. EJ made it to school with clothes on, food in his stomach, and in a relatively decent mood. She turned her attention back to his teacher.

The young woman clasped her hands together and smiled reassuringly. “I really just wanted to introduce myself. Brian let me know that he’d be leaving for awhile and told me the circumstances. I know that this has to be hard on EJ. He’s a sweet boy, but he’s definitely attached to his father.”

“They’re two of a kind,” Michelle agreed, surprised that Brian had shared details with this woman and how personally she spoke of him, “EJ’s doing alright. He’s a little bitter about the whole thing, but there haven’t been any break downs yet.”

“Well, as EJ’s teacher, I’m always here for your family. If either of you ever need any help while Brian’s away, feel free to let me know. EJ’s a very bright boy and I know that he’s been through a lot.”

“He has,” Michelle agreed, “He’s been through so much more than most children his age and I’m just trying to do right by him while Brian’s gone. Thank you, it means a lot to have someone else look out for him as well.”

The conversation moved to lighter topics. Michelle could see some of the things that the teacher wasn’t saying and wondered what EJ was like at school. While Brian, he was the picture of perfection. He was bright and giggly and adored everything his father did. But EJ had a darker side, especially now, that consisted of a bit of an attitude. There were moments when he wanted things to go his way and when they didn’t, he made sure to let everyone know that he wasn’t happy.

He internalized a lot. Instead of acting out, he would hold everything and ignore everyone. He would keep to himself and shoot glares at the people he was mad at. He’d learned to be angry by himself. That’s what Michelle was working to keep at bay.

“We’re having parent-teacher conferences in two weeks,” Ms. Fadden explained to Michelle, “I would love it if you would come. We love when parents get involved in the kids’ schooling.”

“Has EJ done something?” Michelle questioned. She would’ve been surprised if he had. His anger was mostly inward, and even at his worst moments he was quick to move on.

“Oh no,” the teacher reassured, “He’s a great kid. We just like to keep the parents up to date on what’s going on. We have parent-teacher conferences every quarter.”

Michelle said that she’d be there and excused herself from the conversation. The teacher had to go as well and told Michelle to have a good day.

The week ended up getting worse for the duo. Everyday that passed without Brian was harder on EJ. He got snippier towards Michelle and sometimes mean and wanted to spend everyday after school by himself in his bedroom on the phone with his father. And the mornings were rough too. Everyday was the day that EJ wanted to skip school and fly out to his dad and when Michelle told him that it couldn’t be done, he’d argue and then end up in tears.

They never had a fight that ended without the boy crying. His anger would result in him crying and Michelle comforting him before it would start again. They had trouble adjusting to almost every aspect of their new relationship. Michelle had never been in a situation where every moment of her time was dictated by a four year old and EJ didn’t want to have to rely on his step-mother.

Finally Michelle caved and called her sister.

Valery came over on Friday night. They were planning on meeting up for breakfast in the morning before EJ’s practice, but Michelle had run out of options for dealing with the child. He was Brian in almost every single way and had a way of frustrating Michelle almost more than his father. She let Val take the reins.

The other twin said hello to her sister and dropped her bag on the floor in their living room. She was going to stay the night and help Michelle and Evander fix whatever was going on between them. She headed upstairs twenty minutes after she walked in the door.

EJ had locked himself in his bedroom. She walked over to his room and knocked on the door. “Evander, it’s Val. You need to open this door right now. I’m not kidding around. Michelle already told you that you’re not allowed to have the door locked.”

“I want my dad!” he called back, sounding a mix of angry and upset.

Val knocked on the door again. “You know that’s not an option right now, EJ. And you know that I’m not here for no reason. You’re going to be in big trouble if you don’t open the door and come out here right now. Michelle is already upset with you.”

“I don’t care, I want my dad,” he answered from the other side of the wood, “I want him to come home and then I’ll come out.”

“Evander, knock it off,” Val demanded, “You know that’s not going to happen, so come out not. Or else Michelle is going to take away one of your visits to your dad.”

“She can’t!” he shouted back, sounding more upset than before, “My dad makes the rules!”

“Oh yes she can,” Val answered just as quickly, “In fact, I told her that she should already take one away but she wanted to give you one more chance to come out here. She’s being awfully nice to someone who’s not listening to her. When my baby comes, there’s no way he or she is ever going to lock a door in my house.”

Val waited a moment to see if he was going to comply and when he didn’t open the door, she turned and went back downstairs to her sister. She’d softened him up considerably. She wasn’t afraid to make him hate her. He wasn’t her child and even then she knew it wouldn’t last long.

She plopped down onto the couch next to her sister. “You’ve almost got him. I told him that you wanted to give him one more chance to come out before taking away his ‘visit-dad’ priveledges and that bothered him, so I think he’ll come out before you evoke one.”

Michelle sighed and pushed up from the couch. Her sister grinned at her. “I’m glad I get to see what I’m getting myself into before mine gets here,” she said, her eyes following Michelle up the stairs.

Michelle rolled her eyes at her sister and walked to EJ’s door. “Evander, it’s time to come out,” she said again, leaning against the door hinge, “I’m going to count to three and this door better be open or else you’re losing one of your trips to visit Dad.”

She didn’t even make it to two before the door was open and he was standing in front of her. She was pleased with the outcome, but didn’t let it show.

“You know that you’re in big trouble for locking that door,” she said, folding her arms over her chest. She looked down at him and he looked so guilty it was almost cute, but she wouldn’t give in that easily. “You’re going to sit in time out and you’re not allowed to play in the basement all week.”

“That’s not fair,” he complained, motioning back towards his room, “I opened the door.”

“And that’s why you’re not losing a visit to your dad,” she answered him, “But you should’ve opened the door the first time I asked. You spent thirty minutes locked in your room, so you’re going to spend fifteen minutes in time-out and fifteen with me in the living room with Valary.”

He had learned from his dad that arguing meant more time, so he closed his mouth and followed her downstairs. She sat him at the bottom of the stairs with nothing but himself and went back to the couch where her sister was.

“Time to take the lock off his door,” she said soft enough that he couldn’t hear.

“What’d you take away?” Val asked, hoping that her sister had reinforced that rule.

“The basement,” Michelle said. That meant no video games or movies on the projected. It meant he couldn’t mess around with the pool or foosball tables or even hangout down there by himself. It was the place that he and his father spent most of their time together and he’d lost it because of a fight about Brian and about school and soccer and tour and having to spend three and a half months with Michelle.

“It’ll get better,” Valary reassured her sister upon seeing the look on her face, “He’s just testing you, ‘Chelle. He’s trying to get used to Brian not being here and doesn’t know what’ll fly with you. You just have to stick to your guns and he’ll learn quickly.”

“He’s a good kid,” Michelle answered, “and I know he’s just acting like this because he misses Brian, but I wish he would just act like himself. I’m really looking forward to actually bonding with him. I mean, he’s my son now. I want to have a good relationship with him.”

The conversation continued from there and morphed into one about Val and her pregnancy. They still didn’t know the gender of their baby and wasn’t sure if she was going to find out without Matt, or at all before the baby was born. She’d always been a natural mother. She’d always been the one to look out for Michelle. Not that Michelle had ever needing much looking out for. But Val had loved being the one to go with the boys in the old days.

Val was independent and smart and gorgeous. She cared fiercely about the people around her and Michelle knew that she would make a brilliant mother. A small part of Michelle was jealous about the place in life that Val was at. She was having a child with the love of her live and would be settling down with him after this tour to raise it.

Michelle would never get the same experiences. She loved EJ so much, but he would never completely be her child. She hadn’t carried him inside or her or witnessed him coming into the world. He was a piece of Brian that had belonged to someone else. And their future decisions would all be impacted by his presence. They would have to consider his feelings and experiences if they ever decided to have children of their own, and Michelle couldn’t see that happened any time soon.

She really loved him, but her life was his now too, and usually that came with an instant bond between the mother and child. He wasn’t her child. She wasn’t his mother. She was going to have to work at keeping a good relationship with him and this week made her realize that she was going to have to work hard.

Saturday morning they all went to his game. Michelle helped him get dressed in his uniform and she was almost dying from how adorable he looked. He wore mostly black, including socks pulled up to his knees and shorts, but the jersey had white shoulders with red flame-like designs and a red collar. He had pads too, but ‘Chelle waited until they get there to help him into them.

The sisters sat on the sidelines as they watched him learn how to play soccer. He was the cutest thing they’d ever seen and their eyes didn’t stray far from him for most of the beginning of practice. It wasn’t until another woman walked over that Michelle even noticed a group of them huddled together.

“Hi,” she said bright as she stepped over to them, “My name is Sam Carpenter, I’m Jason’s mom.” She pointed to another little boy on the field. “I wanted to come and introduce myself and welcome you to the team.”

“I’m Michelle and this is Valary,” the woman responded, “Did your son play last year?”

“Jase has played for two years now,” she answered proudly, “But this is his second year with coach Dan. He just loved it. Who’s your son?”

Michelle looked for Evander on the field and found him. She pointed the best she could. “The blonde one,” she clarified, “Number six, EJ.”

“I was wondering who’s boy that was,” Sam answered animately, “He’s just a little doll out there. So cute.”

“Thank you,” Michelle answered without clarifying that he was her step-son. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life making that distinction. She didn’t think their story was anyone else’s business and really didn’t feel like explaining. Valary was happy that she didn’t.

“If you want, I can introduce you to some of the other ladies,” Sam offered, “There are quite a few new moms, so don’t feel like you’re the only one. We all just met at the informational meeting in the beginning of the year before we signed the kids back up.” She turned and walked towards the group before either sister could answer and they followed because they didn’t want to be rude.

“Ladies, this is Valary and Michelle. Michelle is number six’s mom. His name is EJ.” She turned around and smiled at the women before going on to point out moms and their corresponding names. Michelle only retained about two percent of the information. Enough to remember that the child EJ latched onto’s name was Ethan and his mother was Karin.

Another mom reintroduced herself about halfway through practice. She had dark hair and a genuine smile and joined the sisters in the bleachers. “I’m Luc,” she greeted, sitting at Val’s side, “I’m Diego’s mom.” She pointed to a boy in a number eleven jersey. “This is his first year as well.”

Michelle walked away from that practice with two new soccer-mom friends and an excited four year old. He talked all the way home, asking if they’d gotten pictures of him to send to his dad and begging Michelle to let him call Brian the minute they walked in the door. But she rebutted, bargaining a bath and dinner beforehand.

They agreed and Valary kissed her step-nephew goodbye after walking them inside. “You were great today, E,” she said, pulling him in for a hug, “I’m really proud of you. I can’t wait to see you play a game.”

EJ pulled back and grinned at the woman. “Me neither.” He turned towards Michelle. “Can I take my bath now?”

“Yeah, go upstairs, I’ll be there in a minute.” She motioned and he took off up the stairs. Michelle hugged her sister and promised that they’d be over soon to spend time with her.

“You’ve got this,” Val said as she walked out the door. She looked back at her sister and smiled, “Really, Michelle, you can handle this. I don’t know what you’ve been so worried about. EJ loves you.”

She left without another word and Michelle didn’t dawdle to think it over. She followed EJ upstairs to help him get the mud out of his hair and off his skin. She scrubbed him until there wasn’t a fleck left and then set out his pajamas to change into. She changed her own clothes while he did and the two of them met back up downstairs in the kitchen.

“I’m proud of you too, you know,” she said when she walked in and saw him sitting at the island, “I’m really proud that you’re doing what you want to do and having fun out there.”

“Do you think my dad’s proud?” he asked, watching as she rounded the island.

“I know he is, EJ,” she answered, “The way your dad talks about you, he couldn’t be more proud of you. I know that if he could, he’d be right here watching you play soccer at every game. He didn’t want to leave you, but it’s his job.”

“And he likes it,” EJ said reasonably, “Dad told me that he does music because he loves it.” He leaned his sleeve-clad elbows on the counter and waited for a reply from Michelle. He knew he was right because his dad had told him so, but he still wanted to know what she had to say about it.

“He does love it,” she agreed, “If he didn’t love it, he wouldn’t even think about leaving you here, but he loves it and it’s his job. It’s how he’s taking care of you right now. His music bought this whole house and brought you home.”

She didn’t explain to him that his music and influence gave him the upper hand in the proceeding that his grandparents filed. He didn’t know about their case to get custody of him. It hadn’t become anything serious and it was doubtful that it would, but that was because of the lawyers that Brian was able to hire and the people that were willing to help him keep his son where he belonged.

“Is my name changed yet?” EJ asked at dinner.

“We’re working on it,” Michelle said, “It takes some time. There’s a whole bunch of people that need to be notified. We’ve got to get a whole bunch of new stuff so that it’s legal.”

“New toys?” he asked.

Michelle chuckled and shook her head. “New legal papers,” she corrected, “That way, people will know that you are who you say you are.”

“I’m EJ Haner,” he said confidently.

Michelle smiled at his words. There was more than just Brian’s eyes in that boy. He wanted to be like his father and he wanted to be with his father, but Michelle could see so much of Brian in EJ already. Despite the years that they were apart, EJ had grown to become a smaller version of her husband. She couldn’t help but love the child simply because she loved Brian.

As he kept talking about soccer and school and getting to visit his dad on tour and map it out, Michelle knew that she loved him because of him too. He wasn’t her son and never would be biologically, but she’d make it through the next few months and nights like this would come easily. Her relationship with EJ would come easy. Their time together was building a bond between them and while Brian might’ve been the thing to bring them together, Michelle knew that he wasn't the only thing keeping them that way.