Chocolate Eyes

Getting EJ to the airport was the easiest part and even that it wasn’t particularly easy. Luckily, EJ was too distracted by the morning’s events that he didn’t have a chance to really think about the fact that today was the day he would have to leave. They went out for breakfast in the morning, and Papa, Suzy, and Mckenna went back to their room shortly after that to start packing their things back up. They slipped out quietly, leaving Brian, Michelle, and Evander alone.

“E, what do we say we gather up all your stuff?” Brian asked, slipping off the bed to grab for the pile of Evander’s dirty clothes on the floor. “Will you go get your swim trunks from the bath tub?”

The blonde frowned, leaning forward to watch his father. “I don’t want to.”

“I don’t care,” Bri answered, rousing the boy off the bed, “We’ve got to get you dressed and packed up. You don’t want to miss your plane.” Brian came around the large single bed and gently pushed EJ to his feet. The child looked at his dad then, dark eyes upset already.

“I don’t want to go,” he said, glancing back at Michelle like she was hindering his ability to talk to his dad openly, or like he might hurt her feelings if she knew he’d rather stay in Florida with his dad. “I want to come with you, Daddy.”

Brian tried not to acknowledge EJ’s words. He simply stepped around his son and went in the bathroom to get his bathing suit himself. “You know you can’t do that, Ev,” he said, not meeting the boy’s eyes.

Evander was already in tears. They were the quiet kind and they ran down his cheeks in a stream. His breathing with the only sound as he tried to keep it under control.

Michelle sat silently, unsure what she could do to help. Ignoring how upset EJ was wasn’t the solution, but this was something that Brian had to get through on his own, and unfortunately, this was also something EJ would have to get used to.

When Brian came back from the bathroom, he noticed EJ’s tears for the first time and tried not to crumble under the weight of the little boy’s eyes. He stepped around him and pulled his suitcase out from under his bed. It was mostly empty now that the trip was coming to an end and all the nice little outfits that Michelle had prepared were crumpled up in the dirty laundry pile. From the suitcase, Brian pulled out a pair of gray joggers and a black t’shirt to replace the collared shirt and jeans he was wearing.

“Where’s your hoodie?” Brian asked, glancing back at his son.

EJ wiped the tears off his face and shrugged, glancing around the room as he tried to regain control. “I don’t know,” he said apathetically.

“’Chelle can you help him find it?” Brian asked, “We have to get him ready. My parents are probably packed and out the door already. You know how punctual my dad is with airports.”

Michelle got up, and ignoring her husband, pulled Evander into her arms. “It’s going to be all right,” she said, taking him with her as she moved towards the sink. She sat him down on the counter and grabbed the little bag that they’d brought for him. She grabbed the little boy’s toothbrush and toothpaste and tossed them back in.

“Michelle, I don’t want to go,” EJ repeated, whispering it to his step-mom so Bri couldn’t hear.

“I know you don’t,” Michelle answered, brushing his hair down with her hands, “I don’t want to go either, E, but we’ve got things we need to do at home. You have school tomorrow and soccer. And your birthday party is next weekend with all your school friends and your grandparents. They’ll be happy to see you.”

“I want my dad to come,” EJ said stubbornly, knowing that Brian wouldn’t be there.

Michelle zipped up the toiletry bag and lifted EJ to the floor. He ran back over to Brian, who was trying to make everything fit back into the suitcase. Michelle tossed the little bag to him and then pulled the hoodie from the top bunk. She handed it to Evander.

Evander watched Brian without saying anything. It was obvious that he was still upset and he stared at his father like Brian couldn’t make the decision and let them stay together indefinitely. Brian saw the gaze and shut his eyes to EJ, turning away so that he could speak without caving in.

“Your uncles and I are flying out of here tomorrow, EJ, so it’s not like we’re going to be here without you. Then we’ll be on the bus all tomorrow night so that we can make it to the next show. I wish you could come, but you can’t. You know we have to follow the rules.”

“It’s not fair,” EJ answered, grabbing onto Brian’s shirt at his shoulder. He grasped his black t’shirt in his little fist and Brian turned to look at him, slipping his son’s fingers off of him. The look on EJ’s face sent Brian reeling.

“I’m sorry,” Brian said, immediately rising to his feet, “I’m sorry, Evander, I know you hate this. I hate it too.” He turned and walked away, leaving his child behind as he closed himself in the bathroom to put space between them.

Michelle frowned, glancing at EJ, who was crying again, and followed her husband without a word. She knocked on the door, quietly at first, and heard Brian tell her he’d be out in the minute.

“Bri, let me in,” she demanded, knocking again, a little harder, “Please, baby.”

The door unlocked and Michelle slipped in, leaving EJ outside so that she could talk to Brian by herself. The man was poised in front of the mirror, leaning against the sink, and he wouldn’t make eye-contact with her.

“I never meant to do this to him,” he said, pushing his fingers through his hair as he turned around in the small space, “I don’t want to leave him behind, Michelle. I want to get on that plane with him and take him home. Does anyone think I really want to be out here, spending time with strangers, when I could be at home with my son? Why is this so hard?

“I should’ve done more for him, ‘Chelle. I should’ve found a way to stay home for him. It’s not fair that I opted out of the first four years of his life and now I’m choosing to be away from him again. All he wants is to stay with me, and I can’t even give him that.”

“Bri,” Michelle breathed, “You didn’t know that he’d come back into your life. You’ve already accepted that it was a mistake not to be there from the start, so you can’t keep blaming yourself for that. But you didn’t have a choice in this, Brian, you said it yourself, if you could, you’d stay home with him for the rest of your life.

“This is who you are. You became this person before EJ was even born and you can’t give it up completely. Yes, he misses you. Yes, he wants you home, but he’ll survive without you. He’s survived so much more than this, Brian, and he’ll make it through. There’s more to his family than just you.”

“He’s my son,” Brian answered, shaking his head like he couldn’t get away from them, “I can’t keep reminding him that it’s possible for people to simply leave him.”

“You didn’t leave him,” Michelle said, “This is your job, Brian. You went to work. There are plenty other careers out there that keep parents away from their kids. Don’t you dare act like you chose to just walk away from him.”

Brian and Michelle jolted as Brian’s father called through the bathroom door. Brian whipped it open immediately, glancing at his father and then his son.

Papa held EJ in his arms. “What’re you two doing in there?” he asked, grinning at his son. When EJ looked away, Brian Sr. nodded to Bri minutely, silently encouraging him to stay strong.

“I’ve got your boy here, Bri,” Papa said, carting Evander over to the door, “Your sister and Suzy want to get going, so get his things and we’ll meet you downstairs, okay?”

“Yeah, Dad.” Brian nodded. “We’ll be with you in a minute, E.”

EJ didn’t have a chance to say anything before Papa carried him out of the room. His approach was to separate Brian and Evander a little beforehand so getting on the plane wouldn’t be such of a fiasco. The more time Evander spent with Brian, the harder it was for him to leave him and letting them all have a little cry fest together wouldn’t be good for anyone.

“You ready to get back home?” Papa asked as he and EJ stood downstairs. Suzy had gone to request a cab and Mckenna stood next to them, holding onto her suitcase. All of the guys were going to meet them here to say goodbye, and only Brian and Matt would ride with to the airport. They needed a clean break and Brian needed someone to ensure that he didn’t hop onto the plane with his son.

EJ was passed around as each of the guys said goodbye to him. His feet barely touched the ground as he moved from hug to hug. Zacky and Johnny promised him lots of cool stuff when they returned home, told them they loved him, and sent him on his way. By the time they got in the taxi, E was back in Brian’s arms.

Evander walked into the airport with his dad’s hand in his. It was hectic, so Brian held onto him tightly as his family pulled their things out of the van and met them on the sidewalk. The eight of them were a mess of people as they headed inside and Evander walked quickly to keep up with them all. This was the same airport he’d flow into and he’d been more excited to see it the last time they’d been here. Now, he wished he wouldn’t have to see it again.

Everyone was dreading the security gates. When they got there, everyone but EJ knew that this was where Brian and Matt had to say goodbye. Michelle kneeled down in front of her step-son before Brian could and unzipped his jacket.

“Remember this from last time?” she asked, pushing the jacket off his shoulders, “You have to take your shoes off and empty your pockets after you say goodbye to your dad.”

EJ’s brown eyes went wide and his gaze moved to Brian immediately. His eyes were so dark that Brian couldn’t differentiate the pupil from the iris and it felt like his son was seeing right through him. Brian had always tried to be transparent with Evander, let him know exactly how things worked and how he felt about them, but now – now he knew that it wouldn’t help EJ to know just how much Brian wanted him to stay.

“Be tough, EJ,” Brian said, crouching down to his son, “I’m so proud of you and so happy that we got to spend your birthday together. I’ll Facetime you tomorrow after school and you can tell me about your soccer game, okay?”

“No,” Evander answered, “I don’t want to go.”

“I’ll see you soon, E,” Brian promised, brushing his hand over Evander’s cheek and shoulder, “We’re more than halfway through already. I’ll be home before you know it.”

“Can’t I stay with you?” EJ was gearing up for tears again but trying his best to hold them back. He sucked in a breath and blinked back the tears that made his eyes shine.

“If you stay with me, who will be there to look out for Val and the baby?” Brian asked, nodding over to his sister-in-law where she was saying a quiet goodbye to Matt. The singer’s fingers were laced through hers, but his eyes dropped noticeably to her stomach and they whispered more words to each other. Promises echoing those that Brian gave his son.

“You’ll miss my other birthday party,” EJ said, swallowing hard.

“You won’t even miss me,” Brian answered, “Holly and James – your grandparents,” he corrected, “will be there, and all your friends from school, and Michelle and Val. You’re going to be so busy that you won’t have time to worry about me, Ev.”

“You’re lying,” Evander said, shaking his head at the thought, “I always miss you, Daddy, and I want to stay with you. I want you to come home with me.”

“We’ve got six weeks, EJ,” he spoke, pressing his son into him, “We can make it through this and then I promise, I won’t leave you. If you can make it through this, you and I will be together, no matter what.” Brian smiled, pulling out of the hug to see his son’s face. “You’re a Haner, EJ, I’ll always be here for you.”

Evander cried as Brian helped him out of his shoes and checked his pockets. The iPod went into the box with his jacket and EJ fought him as Brian tried to release his hand and give it to Michelle to take. They were in line now, Brian following beside him as far as he could, and the people behind them wore such sympathetic expressions that Brian could practically feel it.

When they got closer to the scanner, Brian couldn’t follow them down the path. Michelle took his hand when Brian let go, but Evander cried out and thrust himself out of line so that he could go back to Brian.

Brian backed away to keep EJ from latching on. He repeated lines quickly, promising EJ that he would be okay, coaxing him to listen to Michelle and go through to the other side. EJ saw it as the point of no return, if he kept going, he’d practically already be back in California, a country away from his only parent.

Papa was just behind the boy as he tried to run to Brian and he grabbed him, gathering him up into his arms and whispering for him to calm down. Evander sobbed, trying to break free of his grandpa’s arms.

Brian watched from the sidelines, biting back his words. Michelle tried to meet his gaze, but Brian couldn’t look at anyone, he just watched his son bawl his eyes out for him. Matt put his hand on Brian’s shoulder and turned him away.

“It’s probably better if he can’t see you,” Matt offered, “He’ll calm down if you’re not here. They’re not going to let him through security like that.”

Brian knew it was true, but it was still hard to walk away from EJ, knowing the child just wanted him. But he did it. He couldn’t say goodbye, he just headed back the way they came. The line of people watched him go, and then EJ did, free enough in his grandpa’s arms to see his dad leaving him.

“Daddy!” EJ screamed, not crying as hard, but still distraught.

Papa told him not to scream, that he’d see Brian soon. He shifted EJ so he wasn’t so constrained and asked him to calm down, coaxed him enough that the agent let them walk through the scanner together.

EJ went silent when he realized they were on the other side. Matt and his dad were gone, hidden by the groups of people, and Brian Sr. set him down and grabbed his things from the box. Michelle came to Evander’s side and helped him put his jacket back on.

The little boy was like a robot, going through the motions, but he was in a trance, staring back at where his father was just minutes ago. Subdued, he let Michelle carry him to a chair and sit him down. She slid his shoes on and tied them, and then he walked with her onto the plane, leaving his father in Florida, but feeling like he was being left yet again.