This Ignition

A flicker of orange swishes in the air; it brightens as I stare at it longer and longer. It vanishes when I release my thumb, but flashes again once I push on the cold, metal arch. A breath escapes my lips and I watch as the fire wavers, only to regain balance moments later. My breathing is shaky; the fire stays strong.

The wooden deck beneath me creaks, and I close my eyes to try and take in that sound. It sneaks into my ears and slips into my mind, before it disappears again. I open my eyes, only to find stretches and stretches of ice – how disappointing.

I sniffle, before bringing my woolen scarf closer to my neck. My hands are shaking, cold, and blue but I fumble through my pockets until I drop a paper box onto the wooden planks. The metal lighter is being held in my left hand tightly now, and I press my lips together, swallowing hard. My fingers are reaching towards the box, and I don’t realize that I’ve been holding my breath until the screen of my phone lights up and it vibrates against the wood. Exhaling deeply, I press ignore and feel myself blink once, twice, thrice. No more.

The wood creaks again, and before I can turn around to look for the source of it, my phone vibrates again. After glancing at the screen, I grind my teeth together and press the ignore button again – hard.

Silence.

After a few seconds, the phone vibrates again and I scream and run my fingers through my hair angrily before grabbing my phone and pressing the call button on it.

“Oh thank god, you picked-“

I exhale through my nose in annoyance, and close my eyes. “Dongwoon.”

“Jiae,” he says. “Baby, listen-“

“No. Fuck. You.” I seethe, before ending the call, cutting off his protests.

Silence again.

I cover my face with my hands and I think, but then I don’t think anymore and the only thing that I think about is of how much I want to just leave. Escape. Disappear. And so I drop my hands from my face and they quiver as they reach for the paper box. Puffs of white leaves my lips in a faster, shorter time as my fingers dig into the box before taking out a small, white cigarette. It shakes in between my lips as I try to light it, but my fingers stop working and the lighter stops working and I cry out in annoyance and fall back onto the wood.

Above me, I hear someone snort.

“Ahn Jiae, are you smoking?”

My eyes find the eyes of the voice and I sigh. “Go away, Junhyung.”

A hand reaches out and pulls the cigarette from my lips and he grins at me before sitting down. “I didn’t know you had it in you. Huh.”

He tousles his red hair before glancing down at me, only to laugh again.

“What?” I snap, getting off of my back and reaching blindly for my pack of cigarettes. I ignore the laughing red head beside me and try to light another cigarette. The fire blows out and I rip the cigarette out of my lips, throwing it into the frozen lake, “This is… a fucking faulty pack-“

Junhyung shakes his head in disbelief, “Who knew that I’d see the day when Ahn Jiae smokes.”

I clench my teeth together, pulling another cigarette out of the box. “Did I not tell you to go away, Junhyung?”

He shrugs, “I don’t recall, sorry.”

“Well, let me make it clear, alright? Fuck off.” I push against the metal of the lighter and this time I shield the cigarette from the wind.

“Feisty today, aren’t we?”

I roll my eyes and scoff before I glare at the lighter. The goddamn fire goes out again, and my phone vibrates again. Again.

“You have a call,” Junhyung says, before yawning.

I ignore him, and pray for escape. Escape. The wind keeps winning over the fire though, and I’m stuck alone and in the cold with a boy that just doesn’t listen. I drop the cigarette from my lips and rest my arms on my knees, my forehead on my arms and breathe in. Take me, wind, take me please. Please.

After rubbing his eyes, Junhyung peers through his black rimmed glasses and looks at my phone with a dazed look on his face, before his eyebrows twitch and his lips open and he grabs my phone.

“Jiae-“

“Hey, buddy, she can’t come to the phone right now-“

“Junhyung?”

“She’s too busy trying to-“

“Wait – is this Junhyung? Yong Junhyung?”

“-kill herself and so-“

“What? Is this Junhyung or is it not?”

“Does it fucking matter who I am?”

“Yes. Yes it does. You’re with my girl right now-“

Junhyung licks his lips. “Your girl?” he scoffs, before saying, “You’re a goddamn prick, y’know that right?”

I drop my lighter in annoyance, because Junhyung is being annoying and Dongwoon is being annoying and their voices mixed together are being annoying. I begin to reach for my phone, but Junhyung pushes me away and tilts his head in the other direction.

Dongwoon says nothing for a while, and then he speaks up again. “Give the phone to Jiae-“

“Give me my phone back!” I yell, pulling at Junhyung’s arm, even though I sort of don’t want to get my phone back because that means talking to Dongwoon and I sure as hell don’t want to do that.

He frowns, swatting me away, “The last time I checked, you were too busy sticking your tongue down Sohyun’s throat to give a damn about Jiae.”

I bite the insides of my cheek, and my hands stop pulling at his jacket sleeve. I stare at him, before pressing my lips together and taking the box and ripping a cigarette out – oh, it’s broken. Junhyung notices my lack of movement and turns back around, his hair falling into his face. He nods blankly at what Dongwoon is saying – “That’s not true!” – and sees me reaching for my lighter once again and finally rolls his eyes at what the boy on the other side is saying. “Yeah, yeah. I know. You didn’t do it. Right. Right. No, you’re a dick and you’re not gonna talk to Jiae.” He laughs, “Yeah, sorry. Right, she’s too busy with me right now anyways to give a damn about your sorry ass.”

Then he closes my phone and puts it back onto the deck and sighs, watching me helplessly pushing on the lighter. “It’s a damn shame.”

“What,” I say, as more of a comment than a question.

“Here, I thought, ‘Oh, Jiae’s becoming a badass!’ but no, you’re doing this all because of some douche,” he snorts.

His words sink into me, and I sit there motionless, staring at the dim, grey sky before me. My hands begin to shake and the liquid in the lighter swishes and swishes and swishes. I press down and the orange reappears, only to have it be blown out again.

“God, Jiae. If you’re gonna have your first smoke, might as well do it right,” Junhyung says. Then his hand is around mine, and he takes the cigarette from my lips and pushes it into my other hand. With his left hand still on mine, he lights the cigarette while shielding the fire with his other hand. It stays alive for longer than it ever did.

“Finally,” I breath, before making a grab at the cigarette, only to have him pull away.

“You’re doing this for Dongwoon,” he asks, looking for confirmation.

“Does it matter?”

He scoffs, “Yes, it fucking does. Do you know what smoking does to you?”

“Yes, and I’m trying to make it happen so give it to me now, Yong Junhyung.”

“You… you want to smell like smoke?” he shakes his head, “It’s disgusting, y’know. Your breath will smell, you’ll look tired all the time and you’ll look pretty damn ugly.”

“Give it to me-“

“No.”

“Give me the damn cigarette.”

“No.”

“Yong Junhyung, give – YOU FUCKER!”

I watch as he throws it onto the frozen lake, the end of it sizzling against the ice. I stare at it, before grabbing my box and looking at it in disbelief. “Junhyung!”

“You didn’t need it,” he says, flinching when I punch him on the shoulder.

“That was my last one!” I shout, feeling like a mess. There was no more escape. No more.

“You’re goddamn right it’s your last one,” he scoffs.

I stop punching his shoulder, and sit back on the wooden deck and blink. I press my lips together and I blink. Empty. I swallow and I blink. None. I breathe and I blink. No escape. I blink until I can’t see anymore, and by then I’m drowning in the water of my eyes. One drop. Two drops. Three drops. I wipe my cheeks furiously, dropping my eyes to avoid the red head’s concerned ones. I’m pathetic.

Suddenly, I feel a rush of warmth enclose around me, and I open my eyes to see that my cheeks are resting against Junhyung’s chest and I feel safe. I feel safe and I feel stable and I feel balanced. Four drops. Five drops. Six drops. A hiccup escapes me and he pulls me closer. He’s warm, so warm.

“You’re smart, y’know that right?” his low voice whispers. “Probably one of the top in the school. And you’re actually a nice girl – believe it or not, and you know when to put someone in their place. That’s hella admirable, and to see some prick being the reason for you wanting to ruin all of that…” I feel him shake his head, sighing.

Pulling away, I glance at the lake. It’s littered with cigarettes and I feel horrible and want nothing more than to go pick them all back up but I know – I know that I can't, because the ice is too thin, too weak, too fragile. And so I look back at Junhyung, who is a mere inch anyway from me, watching me, seeing me. His eyes flicker down, and his words are like ghosts on my lips, “I really…”

“What?” I ask, and my eyes are still glassy and broken and lost. My anger is gone, and with its absence comes confusion.

He looks at me, and I see that his cheeks are growing pink because of the cold and he’s sniffling lightly; because of me.

Junhyung glances at my lips, then my nose, then to my eyes and I see his eyes change as well with every step. He licks his lips and swallows, before murmuring, “You deserve better.”

A flicker of orange flashes across his eyes and I keep my gaze there, because it never went out.