The Consequence

I woke up the next morning with my face sticky from my every lasting stream of salty tears. I got dressed alone, ate alone, packed alone and felt alone. Every once in a while Dan, Chris or Matt would come up to me and whisper comforting words, but I didn't want to hear any of it, I just wanted to swim in a pool of my own self-pity...just for today. I deserved that much at least. It was clear everyone knew about Josh and I's break up, possibly because he told them or they heard us ranting and shouting from their own rooms, either way, it made everyone including myself feel very awkward indeed.

We were cleared out of the hotel at 10:00am and hiked to the venue You Me At Six and many others would be playing at in a few hours. We found our tour bus no bother and I was relieved to find that it is relatively large, with enough bunk space for everyone and a bathroom. That was one of my main worries with coming on tour - the bathrooms. I found my bunk and crawled in under the thin covers and let out a long sigh, this tour wasn't going exactly to plan. I could hear someone crouch down beside my bunk and I peeked through the little tent in made myself to see who it was.
"Max? What are you doing?" His brow was creased in concern ad his dark eyes were sad.
"I'm so sorry Carrie. I didn't mean to fuck things up with you and Josh so bad." I rolled my eyes, what did he expect would happen?
"It's okay Max, it was going to happen eventually. Don't blame yourself, it was my fault." I gave Max a small smile to which he didn't return.
"No Carrie I was the one who told Josh purely because I was jealous, you didn't deserve what I did to you. I honestly wouldn't blame you if you hated me for the rest of your life." He was looking at his hands which were perched neatly on his lap. I cupped his chin and lifted his head so his eyes met mine.
"I could never hate you Max! You did what I was too scared to do, it would have slipped out eventually and then we'd be in even bigger shit then we are now. Now suck it up mate and grow a pair." He let out a weak laugh and I let go of his face.
"How are you doing anyway? You know...after the break up?" His eyes turned sad again and I let out a soft sigh, leaning my head against my arm.
"Yeah I'm doing better than I expected I suppose, I cried all last night so I'm pretty tired." I laughed and cuddled into my pillow. "What about Josh? What's happening in that department?" Max hesitated slightly before he replied.
"Yeah he's holding up okay. He shared a room with Matt last night and I didn't hear anything concerning," He looked at me with a cheeky smile playing on his lips, "He's still not being his cheery self though and...he's still pretty pissed at the both of us but I suppose that's understandable." We both nodded our heads and looked down at our fingers.I slowly looked up.
"We can be outcasts together." I whispered and gave Max's hand a squeeze. He gave me a small smile before getting up off his knees and leaving. I bit my bottom lip, Max was probably dealing with this worse than me, his best friend hating him, his band and crew not sure whether to hate him or feel sorry for him. Uncertainty hung over him like an unwanted fog and it was all my fault.

** Josh's POV **

I knocked on Matt's door with a shaking hand. My eyes were swimming with tears and I could hardly make out Matt as he answered the door. I opened my mouth to ask him if I could stay the night but all that came out was a strangled sob.
"Fuck mate." I felt Matt's arms around me and I softly sobbed into Matt's tshirt. I felt so stupid and weak for crying in front of him but all of these emotions and thoughts were racing through me and I couldn't have them cooped up for much longer. Matt ushered me inside and sat me down on his unmade bed, was he sleeping before? Now guilt was another one swimming through my body.
"Mate what happened?" He was sitting beside me now, I looked at him with puffy and blurred eyes. The tears were slowing now but I still found it hard to form words, my throat felt like it was closing up, giving up on a hopeless case like me.

I told Matt everything. I told him about the plane and Max confessing all, about how I stormed in on Carrie to confront her, about how she threw everything back in my face, how I tries to pull everything back together and get back to normal but she wouldn't have any of it, how she told me to leave and how I felt like my whole world had crumbled and I couldn't live without her. By the end I was in tears again, angry tears, guilty tears, remorseful tears and frustrated tears. We've worked it out before, how is this time any different? I looked over at Matt pleading him to say something, anything to make this pain go away, he looked at me like I was a dying animal, a mixture of sadness and pity filled his chocolate brown eyes.
"That is some fucked up shit." I gave a emotionless laugh, don't think I've figured that out already?! " If it were in any other circumstances I would tell you to suck it up and get over her, but I don't think that's gonna work for you. Clearly you love her, but the problem is that she doesn't see it or really believe it, you've fucked up too many times for her to just take you back. So what I'm gonna tell you is to fight for her and prove to her that you care for her and want to be with her. Not straight away mind because she probably wants her own space and doesn't want you around - no offence mate - So take it slow and she'll soon come around." I had listened intently, what Matt was saying made sense but there was still one problem...
"What about Max? He's probably round there comforting her right now." The thought made my blood run cold, it took every ounce of strength I had not to hit Max very hard in the face when he told me he slept with Carrie.
"Max isn't a complete douche mate! He's probably feeling just as guilty about the whole thing as Carrie is. He's your best mate, he wouldn't hurt you intentionally so don't pin all your blame on him. You have the right to be mad at him sure but just remember that he's probably feeling just as mad at himself." I nodded, Matt was right.

I didn't get a lot of sleep that night. Images of Carrie and Max from that night haunted my subconscious. What if she really didn't love me? What if she left me for Max? These questions inhabited my mind and I couldn't help but think the little voices in my head were right. She never really loved me.