Second Chance

I slumped down on the sofa after a long day of research for my next novel and flicked the TV on. It was the news.

‘In local news: there has been an accident on Hollywood Boulevard involving a tourist and Jared and Shannon Leto of popular rock band 30 Seconds To Mars.’

My heart fell to my stomach as my breath caught in my throat. In moments like this my brain always made things out to be the worst they could.

I dashed back out to my car and kicked it into action, driving carefully down to the car park at the end of the boulevard.

The scene of the accident was roped off but there were many people standing around. I fought my way to the front of the crowd and spotted Jared leaning against the trunk of a crippled car with his face in his hands.

‘Jared!’ I shouted.

He looked up and ran over to me, throwing his arms around my neck.

‘Are you ok? J, what happened?’

He didn’t answer my questions, just began sobbing.

‘You’re shaking, sweetie, are you ok?’ I asked again, but I knew he was too upset to speak.

One of the paramedics approached us then.

‘Mr Leto?’ he asked but he got no reply either, so he turned to me. ‘Are you a friend of his?’ he asked.

‘Yeah,’ I replied even though I hadn’t seen him since 2005.

‘I need to check him over; could you bring him to the ambulance?’

I gently took Jared’s arms away from my neck and ducked under the tape. As I walked towards the ambulance with my arm round his waist, I made a point of not looking at the accident. I didn’t want to know why Shannon wasn’t out and walking around with his brother; but as J sat on the edge of the ambulance so that he could be checked, I couldn’t stop myself turning to see what was happening.

From what I could see, I guessed they had had to cut Shannon out of the car. The tourist had already been put in an ambulance and was getting ready to leave, but they looked relatively ok; a little worse than Jared but better than Shan. One of the people who I presumed had got Shannon out came over to talk to J’s paramedic. I couldn’t hear what he said, everything was becoming a blur. All I noticed was a lot of blood on his gloves and uniform. My head started to spin. It wasn’t the sight of the blood; it was the fact that that amount of blood had come out of someone I cared about. I wasn’t squeamish; I was scared.

As he walked away again the paramedic turned to me. ‘He seems to be ok,’ he said, nodding towards Jared. ‘Just in shock and there’s nothing we can do about that. Would you be able to take care of him while we get his brother to the hospital?’

‘Sure,’ I said.

Then he turned to Jared: ‘You’re all ready to go now.’

Jared shook his head. ‘Shannon. What about Shannon?’

‘You’re brother is going to be ok,’ the paramedic assured him.

Then they lifted Shannon on a stretcher. I felt like I needed a stretcher. My legs became weak, my stomach churned and my head started to spin.

Blood.

A lot of blood.

His face was covered. There were bandages around his head, obviously an attempt to stop the flow. His leg had been put in a brace as if the impact had damaged his knee. His breathing was so shallow I could barely see his chest move. It wasn’t surprising he was unconscious.

Unfortunately, Jared had also noticed this.

‘Shannon,’ he said weakly.

‘Come on,’ I said, attempting and failing to make my voice stronger than his.

‘No. I can’t… I’m not leaving him.’

‘Jared my car is only around the corner, I’ll drive you down to the hospital.’ This time my voice was stronger, now that I had taken my eyes off of Shannon. My vision was becoming clearer as my legs remembered how to support me. ‘Come on,’ I said, taking his arm.

He continued to watch Shannon being lifted into the ambulance as he allowed me to drag him away.

For a moment we sat in my car in silence. I wanted to give my body time to recover fully.

‘Where have you been?’ he asked eventually.

‘England mainly, that’s where I finished my book, then I came to LA,’ I replied.

‘We missed you.’

‘I’m sorry, but we all know it was hard with our jobs, especially your touring and hiding away when you write.’

I could tell from the look on his face he agreed with what I said.

‘I missed you guys too,’ I added quietly, then started up the car as I heard the ambulance sirens.

I guess I should have realised how much the Leto brothers meant to each other after hanging round with them for 5 years. They weren’t just brothers, they were best friends and Jared looked lost without Shan. They even shared a house, even though they spent most of their time in hotels or on tour buses.

‘He’ll be fine,’ I said to Jared squeezing his hand when we had pulled up at the hospital.

‘Yeah,’ said Jared half-heartedly.

We climbed out and headed into the hospital where we were pointed in the right direction. When we were outside the room a nurse appeared.

‘How is he?’ asked Jared immediately.

‘We are still sorting him out so I can’t say at the moment,’ she answered. ‘Are you the brother?’

‘Yeah,’ Jared replied.

‘Ok, well if it’s alright we’d rather just family was here at the moment,’ she directed this comment at me.

Jared replied for me. ‘But she’s Shan’s girlfriend, can’t she stay?’

All of a sudden I felt a lump form in my throat; the tears were burning behind my eyes.

‘I guess she can stay then,’ the nurse replied. ‘I’ll come back out later to let you know how he’s doing.’ And she returned back to Shannon’s room.

‘Thanks for that,’ I said.

‘Don’t mention it,’ he replied.

‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ I stood and walked hurriedly to the toilets.

Once there I simply lent on the sink and cried. I don’t know why I left. I never stopped loving Shannon and now I may never get the chance to talk to him again. The tears fell into the sink leaving little streams on my face for the next drop to follow. Eventually, I ended up on the floor, my face buried in my knees. How long I sat there I don’t know, but when I stood and checked myself in the mirror my eyes were red, bloodshot and puffy. I filled my hands with water and splashed my face. I then wiped my face dry with the hem of my t-shirt and re-inspected myself. My eyes didn’t seem as puffy but they were still red. I decided this was the best I was going to look and left again.

‘Are you ok?’ asked Jared as I sat down next to him.

‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘Have you heard any more?’

‘You’ve been crying,’ he said. ‘Are you sure you’re ok?’

‘Yes,’ I replied, although for some reason I felt the lump returning. ‘Did you hear anything?’

‘No, not yet.’

‘Ok.’

We sat in silence for a few minutes before the tears started again. I couldn’t be bothered to run away this time and I simply let Jared hold me. I rested my head on his shoulder as I sobbed.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said through the tears.

‘Sorry for what?’ asked Jared.

‘For getting upset like this when I have no right. For leaving you even though I didn’t want to. This should be the other way round, for God’s sake! I mean, you’re his brother and I haven’t seen him for almost 6 years. I should be comforting you.’ But the truth is I was worried sick. And making myself sick because of the state I had gotten myself in. I just needed to apologise to Shan. I know he didn’t want me to leave and although he had a life without me now, I needed him to know how I felt; which would be tricky if he…

Thankfully the nurse came out before I could think it.

Jared jumped up. ‘What’s happening? Is he ok?’

‘He’s still unconscious and heavily drugged to keep him restful for as long as possible but he should be fine,’ the nurse replied.

For some reason the sense of relief made me want to cry again. I was never like this. I was normally such a strong person. Jared simply resumed his place next to me.

‘He’s still having difficulty breathing, but that should ease up soon, and it will be a while before he can put weight on his leg again, but other than that we’ve cleaned him up. You may go in and sit with him if you like,’ the nurse continued, before walking away down the corridor.
Jared stood, but I didn’t.

‘Come on,’ he said, reaching out his hand for me to take.

‘6 years, Jared,’ I said. ‘He’s not gonna want me in there. I’ll wait out here.’

‘No, you won’t, come on.’ This time he physically took hold of my hand and led me into the room.

I took a seat in the corner of the room while Jared sat next to his brother. I must have fallen asleep, exhausted from all the worry, because next thing I knew Jared was talking to Shan.

‘Do you feel ok?’ he was asking.

‘Yeah,’ Shan replied. ‘A bit dizzy but fine.’

The second I heard that voice, all my anxiety melted away.

‘I don’t really remember any of it.’ Shan was telling J.

‘I know bro, me neither, I don’t really want to.’

There was a short silence before Jared spoke again.

‘Cee’s here.’

‘What?’

I closed my eyes tighter as Jared mentioned my name, hoping that somehow it would make me invisible.

There was a moment’s silence. I wanted to get inside Shan’s head, or at least open my eyes to see his face, but then he’d know I was listening.

‘Why? How?’ he asked eventually.

‘I dunno, she just turned up after the accident.’

‘She still looks the same,’ Shannon’s voice was so soft as he spoke, I knew he couldn’t have minded me being there so I fluttered my eye lids as they opened, trying not to make it obvious I was already awake.

I sat up straight again (I must have slipped and leant against the wall while I was sleeping) and met Shan’s gaze.

‘I’ll give you two a minute, anyone want a drink?’ said Jared standing up.

Shan slowly nodded his head in his brother’s direction and then looked back at me.

‘What are you doing here?’ he asked me, as the door swung shut after Jared.

‘It was on the news, the accident I mean, and I live here in LA now, so I drove down,’ I explained in a slow stuttering manner.

‘But why? You left.’

‘I know. But that didn’t mean I stopped caring. I thought, if I left I could just get on with life as normal, but it turns out I can’t. When I saw the report, I felt ill, I was so worried. I mean, when I got there, Jared ran over and he was in such a state, like mentally. He was just so shaken by it, I couldn’t leave him.’

‘So, you came because of Jared?’ Shannon asked, looking confused.

The truth is, I was confused too. I had met Shannon back in 2000 and thought he was amazing. I mean, he was amazing; anyone could see that. We fell in love, and it was wonderful. The best 5 years of my life were spent with Shannon. When I wasn’t too busy and I could find the time, I went on tour with them. Occasionally, if they took a break for Jared to film a movie or something I would stay at his, or vice versa. But then, they went into the studio, and I was finishing my first book, and it put a strain on the relationship. I like to tell myself it was a mutual agreement, but in reality, I called it off. I thought that life would be easier without Shan; I’d have less to juggle. But I was wrong. I couldn’t even forget him, especially after his band got big with ‘The Kill’.

And now was the moment I had waited 5 years for, the moment I could tell Shan that I never stopped loving him.

‘No,’ I said, slowly and carefully. ‘I mean... I came with him but... I mean... you.’

At that point Jared walked in and broke my awkward speech.

I stood up and ran. It was pathetic. I was a whole 5 years older now than I had been last time, and he still reduced me to a babbling, speechless schoolgirl.
Jared appeared beside me not long after I had left.

‘What’s going on?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know,’ I replied honestly.

‘What do you mean you don’t know?’ he asked, impatient.

‘I need some time to clear my head,’ I said and turned to leave, but Jared caught hold of my arm.

‘Cecilia, you have had practically 6 years to clear your head. My brother deserves a straight answer as to why the love of his life walked out on him!’

That was another thing about the Leto’s: they were majorly over protective of each other.

‘Love of his life?’ I asked, dazed by Jared’s choice of words, then I came to. ‘You don’t think he meant the same to me?’

‘You were the one who walked out!’ he was getting angry now and was close to shouting.

‘I did that because I thought it would be best for us! Balancing a relationship between his band, my book, the fact that we lived in different countries; it was so hard, I thought that maybe if we took some time off we would be less stressed and could focus on our lives better.’

‘Spending every day wondering if the one person you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with ever truly loved you back? Knowing that the only reason you had for carrying on was that one day she might appear out of nowhere and say that she felt the same way you did? How does that help you focus on your life?’ Jared words became a venomous hiss, as he tried not to raise his voice.

‘How could I know...’

‘Imagine how he feels right now,’ Jared cut me off, ‘knowing that that has finally happened. That his girl has come back and instantly walked out again.’

‘You think I’m gonna leave again?’ I asked incredulously. I could feel the tears starting to fall. ‘When, Jared Leto, have you ever seen me cry? In all those 5 years, did I ever cry? No! No I didn’t! Your brother is the only person in the world I have ever cared enough about to shed a single tear over! So if you think for one minute he was the only one who suffered, think again!’ As I felt the sobs interrupt my speech I turned to leave again.

‘So why are you walking away?’ he called after me.

‘To clear my head,’ I replied. ‘And if Shannon asks, you can tell him the truth. That his ass of a brother just reduced me to tears and when I think I can be in the same room as him without wanting to strangle him, I’ll come back!’

And then, I ran; out of the hospital and to the fresh air. Hospitals always made me feel queasy anyway and with all that drama on top, I really couldn’t cope.

I was sat outside crying for a while until Jared came out.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly.

‘I know,’ I said. ‘So am I. For everything. And I don’t want to strangle you. We were best mates, I could never hate you.’

‘I know,’ he replied, offering me his hand.

I took it, letting him pull me to my feet and lead me back inside. He opened the door to Shannon’s room and let me in, closing it behind me and waiting outside.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I told Shannon. ‘You meant the world to me; I mean you still do. Seeing the report on the news, I knew I had to see you again. I was so worried. It hit me then how much you really meant to me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t forget you. There wasn’t a single day in all those 5 and a half years I didn’t think about you.’

‘But why did you leave?’ asked Shannon. ‘It broke my heart.’

‘It broke mine too. I just thought we had too much to be concentrating on in our lives without a long distance relationship on top of it. Can you ever forgive me for that?’

‘You’re my Ceely, of course I can forgive you. Just promise me one thing?’

‘Of course, anything. Anything for you Shan,’ I replied, almost close to tears again.

‘As soon as I’m out of here, we’ll try a relationship again, and you won’t just back out when things get tough, you’ll talk to me and we’ll battle through, like I know we can,’ Shan told me.

I smiled softly, and nodded.

‘Why wait ‘til you’re out?’ I asked and walked over to him, placing a light kiss on his lips. ‘I still love you,’ I added after pulling away and sitting beside him, taking his hand in mine.

‘I love you, too, Cecilia,’ he said, squeezing my hand and smiling up at me.