No One's Gonna Need You More

Alex moaned as he turned over in the bunk. He felt like shit, physically and emotionally. The emotional part he understood, even thinking about Ian brought tears to his eyes and made his heart ache, but he didn’t drink last night so there was no reason for his body to hurt this much.

He whimpered as he moved to sit up and the motion started his stomach rolling. Fuck. This was not going to be a good day. He already had to deal with the fact that Ian broke up with him and pretty much told him to get lost and now he was sick to his stomach. Just great. He figured he should go and find someone and figure out what was going on.

He walked slowly out into the front lounge and was greeted with a crying Jack and Matt holding him. He looked around expecting to see a few more of the crew but it was just them.

Alex coughed, catching Matt’s attention.

“Umm…what’s going on?”

Jack cringed when he heard Alex’s voice and buried further into Matt’s neck.

“Well…Jack’s just…yeah. I don’t know. I do know that you two should probably talk.”

Matt quickly extracted himself from Jack and stood up, ignoring Jack’s quiet protest, he side stepped Alex, heading straight for the back lounge.

Jack sat up a bit and sniffed, rubbing at his eyes. He almost wished Alex had walked in a few minutes earlier. He wished that Alex had heard him ask Matt to kiss him because then maybe Alex would feel a little bit of the hurt he was feeling.

“Are you okay?”

Alex had taken the seat across from him and was resting with his head leaned back against the wall. He looked tired and sad and Jack almost felt a little bad for him. He still loved Alex and it hurt him to see Alex hurting.

“No, Alex, I’m not okay.”

Alex just nodded his head, it’s not like he hadn’t known that. Jack was not one to cry, unless he was drunk, so if he was crying on Matt’s shoulder something was obviously wrong.

“I guess we should probably talk about things…I mean, if you want to.”

Jack sighed and bit his lip. He wasn’t totally sure he wanted to hear what Alex had to say. It hurt enough thinking that Alex had cheated on him but if Alex was actually going to confirm it…

“I do and I don’t.”

Alex nodded again. “I know you probably don’t want to hear what I’m going to say and you’re probably going to break up with me but I do love you.”

Jack squeezed his eyes shut but the tears still leaked through. It hurt that he had woken up this morning feeling good, besides the headache, but feeling good because Alex was with him. Because he had thought that Alex wanted to fix things, that maybe they had fixed things last night, but it was all falling apart and he knew he had been stupid to even think that to begin with. Everything just hurt today.

“We haven’t been the same for a while, Jack, and I just…I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking…”

“Just fucking say it, Alex. You cheated on me. I knew you did…or were…whatever. I knew it.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Jack, I love you. I have since I was 15. I just…I don’t know.”

Jack put his face in his hands, “You know what makes it worse? Not even that it was… or is Ian. It’s that I was stupid to think that I could trust you. I kept telling myself it wasn’t true. You were just friends; you wouldn’t lie to me, right? Nope, I was wrong and that really fucking sucks, Alex.”

“I know, Jack.”

“You don’t. You don’t get to say you know, I didn’t cheat on you. I gave you my trust, Alex. I trusted you and I haven’t done anything to make you think you couldn’t trust me.”

Alex bit his lip. This was the end of his 5 year relationship and suddenly he was so desperate for this not to be over. He was desperate for Jack to forgive him, to still love him, to want him. And he was crying and trying to get Jack to look at him.

“I love you so much and I’m so sorry and I know nothing I can say will ever make you forgive me.”

Jack didn’t say anything. He stayed still, staring hard at the table top in front of him.

“Are…Are you… going to br…break up with me?” Alex choked out through his sobs and Jack couldn’t help but look up at that.

“Don’t you want me to break up with you?”

Alex shook his head vigorously and Jack shot him a very confused look.

“I…I thought you wanted me out of the way? So that you could be with Ian.”

“I don’t want Ian. I want you.”

Jack wanted to slap Alex upside his head, if he didn’t want Ian and he did want Jack then why the fuck had he cheated on him!? They were fine. Alex had Jack, Jack had given him the past 5 years of his life. He’d given him more than that really. They’d practically been together since they were 12. Why did Alex have to do this? Why did Jack have to still love him? Why did this have to be so difficult and why did he have to have this killer headache right now?

“You’re stupid.”

Alex sighed, “I know, Jack. I know.”

“I love you though.”

“I love you too. So much.”

“Not enough.”

Alex looked up at that, Jack meeting his gaze, “I…”

“I’m not forgetting this, Alex, and you aren’t forgiven. Not yet.”

Alex nodded his head slowly, his eyes wide with shock, “Jack, I…I don’t know what to say, other than I love you more than anything.”

“Let’s just leave it at that, Matt told me that Ian’s leaving, I expect you to let him leave, and that’s it. We’re moving on. Okay?”

Alex nodded again. Ian was leaving and he had known that. Ian had told him so last night but that didn’t stop the tight ache from gripping his chest at hearing Jack say it. He took a deep breath and tried to convince himself that this was what was best. He was with Jack and Jack had just done the most unselfish, wonderful thing for him. He’d taken him back. He still loved and wanted him and Ian did not.

Ian did not want him.

And that settled a horrible feeling in his stomach.

Alex stood up and walked over to the sink, vomiting into it. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand before looking back over at Jack.

Jack grimaced, coming over to standing beside him, “That’s gross.”

He rubbed Alex’s back lightly, “You drink too much last night, too?”

Alex shook his head, “Think I have a stomach bug, woke up feeling sick.” And that wasn’t a lie, though he knew it wasn’t the whole truth either but it would only hurt Jack more to say anything else. He turned on the faucet and washed out the sink before rinsing out his mouth.

“Oh, umm…do you want me to lay with you…”

Alex blinked, mouth forming a small O shape, “Yeah that would be nice.”