How Could You Ever Let Go

John O’Callghan sighed as he walked across the parking lot towards the door of his high school, he stopped from hesitation. There was something so mundane about his life: school, parties and repeat. He looked up at the sky and let himself get lost in his thoughts before he started yet another day.

“John!” Someone called from behind, he quickly whipped around to see his best friend, Jared, waving before quickening his pace up to a jog to catch up with him.

“What’s up, Jared?” He asked, holding out his hand for their handshake that turned into a causal man-hug. There were two weeks left in senior year, while he worried about his future, he wondered if life would be the same. He loved his friends and he loved his status in the halls of the school, even if the routine got old. Jared raised his eyebrows, noticing that John seemed out of it lately.

“You okay, bro?” Jared asked as they started walking under the unrelentingly hot Arizona sun, John shrugged and let out a small raspy laugh. He wondered what ‘okay’ even meant. After all, he’d never gone hungry, he shouldn’t have any complaints about his life, yet there was something unsettling and incomplete about it. He longed for more, but he didn’t know what exactly he wanted yet.

“Yeah, dude, just thinking about graduation!” John lied, letting out another laugh as they entered the doors of his school. He looked over towards the football fields and saw a girl sitting by herself. Jared started talking about the graduation party, but John didn’t listen, struggling to look as they walked past the window and she was out of sight. He turned to see Jared staring at him expectedly, but John had no idea what he had just said, “What? Sorry, dude, you know I’m like a zombie this early,” John laughed it off.

“Oh, I was saying that Millie wanted to know if you were coming, she was bugging Casey about it for the past week. She definitely wants your bod, that’s all I’m saying!” Jared laughed as they walked automatically through the halls, navigating the same people to the same classroom. Jared looked down at John expecting some sort of smart-ass remark by now. “JohnO?” He asked again.

“Sorry, uh, which one is Millie, again?” John sighed rubbing the back of his head as he grinned.

“Yeah, being up to your neck in girls does have that effect I guess,” Jared laughed as they entered the classroom. “Millie’s the one with the huge cans, but an okay face,” Jared shrugged honestly, people in the classroom turned, but there weren’t any other people from their core group of friends that would tell Millie what had been said.

“Ah, I love them boobs when I’m drunk,” John laughed, looking forward and bit his lip. He honestly had no idea what he was talking about, as if the words coming out his mouth weren’t his own anymore. He looked out the window and kept his eyes there for the duration of the class.

Two weeks seemed to fly by, quicker than John originally wanted them to, but now he was glad high school was over. He was going to be rooming with his old friend Eric in the fall and Jared was going to be in the same dorms. It seemed things wouldn’t be that different. Everyday of those two weeks he found himself looking over towards the bleachers, looking for the girl laying in the sun. Some days she was there, others she wasn’t and John always felt disappointed when she was gone.

“I’m so proud of my high school graduate!” Mrs. O’Callaghan smiled, as he excused himself from the table. It seemed the past few weeks, his body went through the routine while his mind drifted off. He would start looking around and realized the day had already passed.

“Thanks, Ma! I’m gonna go to Jared’s now,” John smiled, ruffling his youngest brother’s hair before putting his dishes in the sink and running up the stairs, not waiting for a response from his mother. He stood in the mirror, changing into an old baseball jersey over blue jeans and his usual sneakers. John sighed putting his phone into his back pocket before walking down the street for the short walk to Jared’s house. He looked up at the sky and grinned at the pleasant coolness of night. He was surprised to see cars lining up both sides of the street, he checked his phone again and saw it was already ten. The party started an hour ago, he saw missed calls from a couple of his friends, but ignored them since he would be seeing them in a few minutes.

He walked into the house and saw it was overflowing with people, it was so loud from conversations and music blasting from the stereo. He looked over the crowd, there were so many people he didn’t know here, he made his way to the kitchen in search of alcohol. “JohnO!” A girl’s voice called out to him, he turned to see a short girl with a plain face and huge breasts. That must be Millie, he thought to himself before pasting an unconvincing smile on his lips.

“What’s up?” He asked, his eyes scanning the room for his friends.

“Oh, Jared sent me to bring you over to the beer pong table,” Millie explained. John could barely hear her despite the fact she was shouting, he nodded pouring himself a drink that was mostly rum. He followed Millie as she weaved nimbly through the crowd while John struggled to get through. He practically downed his drink, grimacing from the burning aftertaste of alcohol.

“Hey, I’m gonna go take a piss! Tell Jared I’ll be back in a few,” John lied to the short girl, she looked disappointed, but nodded regardless and the two separated. John downed his drink and returned to the kitchen, taking a few shots until a smile crossed his lips. He felt like he needed to drink to wake himself up from the daze he’d been in recently. He looked at the crowd again and sighed. “Fuck this, I’m going around,” John muttered to himself as he walked out the front door towards the backyard, only to see a few burnouts smoking out and two girls laughing, John’s eyes widened, he had never seen her face before, but he knew it was her.

“JohnO!” The girl next to her called out, he recognized her almost immediately as Jared’s girlfriend, Casey, she smiled waving. John smiled, realizing he had a way to talk to this mystery girl.

“Case! What’s up?” He laughed, leaning down to give the small blonde a platonic hug before inspecting the girl next to Casey. She had long brown hair, bright blue eyes and freckles speckled across the bridge of a pert nose. He raised his eyebrows, she was hot.

“JohnO, this is my friend Kate! She’s in our grade, but I don’t think you two have met? Kate, this is Jared’s best friend JohnO,” Casey explained, she sounded surprisingly sober, but when John inspected her cup it was just a clear liquid, probably water. He smirked, she was always so responsible and took care of Jared when he got too drunk.

“Hey,” Kate said politely, but her eyes looked disinterested.

“You’re the girl who’s always sitting on the bleachers,” John drunkenly blurted out, pointing a finger at her accusingly. Kate raised her eyebrows, shocked for a moment before she started laughing, brushing Casey’s arm gently.

“Case! Jared’s looking for you!” Someone called from the sliding door, John looked to see another girl.

“I’ll be right back. John, look after Kate for me, she’s very cute and the boys here are creeping hardcore,” Casey laughed, waving teasingly to Kate who looked a little weirded out. She took another sip of her beer before looking at John, a silence fell between them.

“So, where are you going to college?” John asked, the tense silence seemed so cold, he looked over at her asking the default question every senior asked each other. It was just small talk, but John was genuinely curious, maybe she would be at ASU too.

“Oh, I’m not. I got a job offer, so I’m doing that instead,” Kate answered, bobbing her head awkwardly. John looked around awkwardly, even his default safe question had failed, he cleared his throat trying to assemble his drunk thoughts into something.

“What are you gonna do?” John pressed, trying to keep the conversation alive.

“Flight attendant, I’m leaving for training this weekend,” Kate answered clearly and eloquently. She seemed so uninterested in John, it was a new feeling and for some reason only interested him more.

“That’s awesome! Southwest Airlines?” John asked again. She shook her head, wondering why this guy wasn’t taking any of her hints. The fact she wasn’t asking any questions and giving him minimal answers. “Oh, I’m jealous, I feel so stuck here,” John added on, gulping down his drink for more liquid courage.

“Really? You don’t really seem unhappy, after all aren’t you the ‘Great John O’Callaghan’?” Kate laughed, her eyes finally looking towards the tall boy next to her. She knew who John was, there weren’t many people in the school who didn’t, but she always had him pegged for the boy who went to college, married his high school sweetheart and stayed the big fish in a small pond.

“I guess, I don’t really feel like myself anymore. Do you ever get that feeling like you want more, but you can’t figure out what you want? Like it could be traveling or anything. I don’t know what to do about it,” John explained, the alcohol has disabled his filter. For the first time in months, he spoke honestly about how he was feeling. He started laughing, looking down at the girl with a weirded out face, clearly thinking he was crazy. “I-sorry-I haven’t told anyone this, you make me honest,” John slurred, intoxication crashed like a wave, suddenly hitting him.

“No, I think that was the...rum?” Kate shook her head, taking a pause before taking a wild guess.

“How did you know?!” John asked, completely astounded as he looked down at her in total seriousness. “Are you psychic?”

“No, you reek of rum,” Kate laughed again, she felt her cheeks blush and covered her mouth as she continued giggling. John didn’t know what she was laughing at, but soon their laugher snowballed till their bodies were shaking and their faces were red, struggling to breathe. “You’re a good guy, you know, you should be who you are more often. Maybe that’s what you’re looking for,” Kate admitted quietly, once their laughter had died down. John leaned down and rested his head on her shoulder as they sat on the edge of the porch.

“I think you might be right,” John whispered, he lifted his head and saw her glittering blue eyes.

“What?” Kate asked, looking a little embarrassed. John realized he had been staring at her, rather intently. She looked to the ground, waiting for his eyes to move, but he couldn’t look away from her. She looked back towards John and smiled, laughing at him. John didn’t laugh with her this time, instead he gently lifted her chin with his thumb and pressed his lips on hers gingerly. He expected her to yank away and slap him or at least yell, instead she kissed him back.

The world seemed to fade out, the loud music or the party going on behind them. A gentle, cool breeze hit their skin, causing a few strands of her hair to hit John’s face, tickling his cheek. They moved back in sync, opening their eyes, both of them speechless. John felt his chest swell, the hole seemed to be overflowing now. He smiled at her, her eyes sparkles as she returned his smile. John’s eyes fell to her thin, pink lips before they kissed again, he parted his lips and set down his drink to cup her small face.

“Kate?! John! I told you to watch her not attack her with your lips!” Casey scolded as both of them pulled away looking embarrassed as Casey walked over with her hands on her hips.

“I didn’t attack her! I just kissed her! Jesus, Casey, why are you even yelling at me?” John sputtered out, his tongue seemed to stumble on the words as Kate laughed, standing up and dusting off her butt. Casey was hugging Kate’s waist and clearly wasn’t sober anymore.

“Because! K-Kate is like a daughter to me, so you keep your greasy man-whore hands off her!” Casey slurred giggling. John stood up watching them walk back into the house, Kate turned and waved gracefully before mouthing one word.

“Goodbye.”

That was the last time John saw Kate, he didn’t know her last name, he didn’t know her phone number and Casey refused to give it to him. Ranting on and on about how she was protecting Kate from John’s ever changing mind. So time went on, time without Kate and even after John dropped out of school, joined a band and started touring the country there was small hole in his chest that belonged to Kate. A few days became years, three years to be exact.