Lie To Me, Just One More Time

Tell me not to go, I say inside, bottling up how I’m really feeling at the moment. He's just standing there watching me pack up; he's not even trying to stop me this time. After everything we’d been through he isn’t even opening his pretty little mouth, for once Eric seems to have nothing to say.

I stuff the last of my clothes into the over sized suitcase before trying my hardest to get it closed. It’s really over this time.

As much as I love Eric, I hate him too. Just now watching him with the innocent look on his face, as if none of this is his fault, made me want to wring his neck. How can he act like he’s done nothing wrong? Everyone thinks that Eric Monroe is an angel, a role model…some one to look up to. But he isn’t, Eric is nothing more then a scared little coward who doesn’t have enough courage to live up to anyone’s expectations of his character.

That’s why I’m leaving, because he isn’t brave enough to let anyone know that I'm his girlfriend. Well, was his girlfriend…I’m tired of being a secret, I’m tired of him lying to me, and I’m even more tired of everyone believing he’s some sort of super hero.

If Eric Monroe is so damn spectacular then why couldn’t he face his own family with the fact that he is in love with me, if he ever loved me at all.

This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to leave, usually he stops me, pressing his lips to mine and whispering in my ear that everything will be alright. He always promises that all the fighting and waiting will be worth it when we can finally be honest with everyone.

But it’s just the same tired story, I know now that if I didn’t get up the courage to go that I would be trapped in his clutches forever, forced to the back burner of his life.

I know it isn’t an easy thing to do, crushing everyone’s expectations, breaking your family's hearts…but I did it, why couldn’t he? Of course it hurts and there are always consequences but really has anyone ever gotten something great without sacrifices? For the first time in your whole life being exactly who you are without hiding anything is completely worth it.

Everything I have I gave to Eric, my heart and my soul and it’s like he doesn’t even care. It’s like everything is about him, everything he’d loose…I don’t think he ever thought he could loose me, really lose me. But here I am sitting on my suitcase trying my hardest to zip it up so I can go before this gets any harder.

Yet when I finally get it closed I can’t find the strength to get up and go. It’s like I’m frozen, just stuck there looking at his face. His eyes find mine and I have to look away, he’s finally showing emotion and it’s killing me…the tears teetering out of the corners of his eyes.

There’s nowhere to hide from his broken expression, but I can’t be sucked in, I have to remain strong and do what should have done forever ago and leave him.

“So I guess this is it.” I say softly, breaking the silence that had been filling the room since I showed up here for my things.

“Guess so.” He says shakily, pushing his palms to his eyes to stop the tears from pouring down his face.

Watching him cry reminds me of kissing the salty tears away so many times. Every time he would confide in me about his fears. I can feel his head in my lap and my fingers in his hair trying to calm him yet reassuring him that telling them was the right thing to do.

I force myself to my feet and grab my bag, wheeling it towards the door. I can’t think about our times together because this is all hard enough without the memories hanging over my head.

Reaching for the door I hear his voice waver.

“Why are you doing this to me?” He asks, running a trembling hand through his black curly hair.

My body can’t help but swing around.

“Isn’t that something you should be asking yourself?” I question.

“Because to me it’s pretty obvious, I’m in fucking love with you Eric. I give everything I have to this relationship and it’s like you can’t give the bare minimum of what we need to survive. I’m so sick and tired of hiding how I feel, not being able to kiss you in front of people you know, hold your hand in public. I’m fed up with being something your ashamed of, and don’t say your not ashamed of me because you are, if you weren’t you wouldn’t be so damn scared of everything. It's worth it Eric, I’m worth it. But now you won't ever know.”

I stand there watching him and I know he knows I’m right, he can’t give me the only thing I’m asking for. It’s then that my heart feels that it’s really over; I walk out the door feeling empty and for once, deep down inside I’m begging for him to lie to me. To just say something. Anything will do right now. One word and I'd walk right back into his arms and stay.

I get into my car and look up at the front of the house. I can see Eric in the window. He's just standing there, not moving. I wonder what he's thinking about. Maybe he's remembering the first time I left. I packed my stuff up and walked out to my car. I just sat in my car for hours, waiting. Waiting for Eric to come and try to stop me from going. When he finally came out of the house his eyes were rimmed red and his face puffy. He looked at me sitting in my car, like a fool, and smiled sadly.

I sighed and turned on the engine. Nothing in my life has ever felt worse than backing out of that driveway and watching four years of my life slowly disappear behind me.