Without You

I watched him on stage for nine straight weeks. I didn’t bother to go up to him after each take just to say ‘hi’. Sure, there were about a thousand and one opportunities for me to at least pass him by and hope that he notices me but I just couldn’t move my feet in that direction. Even as I was watching him leave his heart on stage from a far, I couldn’t slow my pulse. It was as if every beat wanted to break out of my body. What more if I actually went up to him?

He’d been my first friend – my first real friend. He stood by me whenever things took a turn for me. We grew up together but as we grew older, we grew apart. After high school, he decided to pursue his dreams of touring the world and sharing his talents with people who share the same dream as him. It’s safe to say that he was able to reach his goals. I’m happy for him, really. But I can’t help but feel guilty for almost derailing him from making his dreams a reality.

It was elimination night on America’s Best Dance Crew and I was praying really hard that they’d have to go against one of the two crews. I practically murdered my mouse by clicking on the vote button intended to save their crew from having to go home. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

Mario already had the lights dimmed and my heart skipped about a million beats. “Mos Wanted Crew and Elektrolytes received the fewest votes this week and just put all their energy and passion in a last chance battle to lock down the final spot in the championship. Only one crew will make the grade. Mos Wanted,” Mario said, “your crew of dance teachers came in swinging from the jump, earning high marks from the judges for your rock solid choreography and crowd-pleasing routines. You dominated all season, avoiding the bottom two until now. Did you hit hard enough in battle to make it through to the finale?”

I watched his anxious face as he stared into the crowd. I wanted to be there right beside him to tell him that it was all going to be alright but not even I was sure after the fight that the Elektrolytes put up. Besides, everyone knows that MTV rigs shit just to make things exciting. I just hope they didn’t go overboard just to prove the world that they can do whatever the fuck they want.

“Which crew will have another spin on the live finale and which crew will be scratched out of the game?” Mario finally said, stirring the crowd into chaos as they screamed and hooted for the crew that they rooted for. “The crew that will face off against 8 Flavahz for one hundred thousand dollars and the title of America’s Best Dance Crew is…”

By now, everything was in slow motion. The crowd’s hoots and jeers filled my ears. I wanted to cheer along with them but there was a ball in my throat hindering me from joining in the fun. I watched him intently as he stared at his feet. He always did that when he was nervous. I looked at the other crew members’ faces and saw that they already had bitterness written all over them. They probably already knew what the result was but I didn’t want to believe them. I hoped for the best, that they would go on and win ABDC Season 7 only because they deserved it.

Everyone cheered for Mos Wanted which sort of gave me hope that Mario would call out their name instead of Elektrolytes. I wasn’t exactly paying attention since I was deep in thought and prayer. But as Mario called out the Elektrolytes and about half of the crowd was silence while the other half cheered, I looked up and caught my breath. Tears welled up in my eyes and wanted to come out badly but I couldn’t cry.

Mos Wanted and Elektrolytes were hugging it out on stage while I sat in my seat, trying to take it all in. Was this really happening right now? I breathed out deeply. I started to feel a little light-headed due to all the stress I was feeling but I had to be strong. I can’t believe I actually promised myself to go up to him once they were eliminated. I was seriously betting that it wouldn’t happen but I guess fate really wasn’t on my side.

JP was already in tears by the time Lando was asked to say a few words. I bit my bottom lip as I watched all of them try to spread good vibes across the stage. It didn’t seem legit, though. He wasn’t even feeling the energy. He just pointed here and there to try to show that he was perfectly fine but his sadness was crystal clear on his face. He was disappointed. He wanted to win badly. He always had that fighting spirit within him and I’d always admired it.
While ABDC played their journey on ABDC, the tears had started to spring from his eyes. He seemed really mad. I was starting to rethink the whole approaching-him-after-the-show thing since I was afraid that he’d only be more disappointed.

I watched them as they walked off the stage. They already looked so depressed. I breathed in and out deeply as I took a step forward. I wasn’t exactly looking so I ended up bumping into someone.

“Whoa, Ashley?” the girl said. I didn’t exactly recognize her at first. “I-is it really you?”

Of course, Chachi was gonna be here. She’s been World of Dance’s host for the ABDC coverage on their YouTube channel. I seriously thought I was on stealth mode. Apparently, I was wrong.

I wanted to swerve and dash away from her but I realized that if I did, I would only running from my problems again. I looked away, hoping that she would get the message that I didn’t want to be seen but she only waited patiently for me to answer her. Even as the crowd seemed highly active after the elimination, right where I was standing with Chachi, it seemed like we were the only two people in the room. Trying to escape her would be like a baby trying to get out of the crib.

“H-hey,” I stammered, not really knowing what to say. “How’s it going?”

“Oh no, you don’t. You owe all of us an explanation,” she scolds, “Who leaves a tour somewhere in the middle and never comes back, never replies to texts or tweets and never answers calls?”

I wasn’t sure if that was my cue to run away. It seemed like she was pretty affected by my sudden leave of absence.

“Look, I’m sorry. I…,” I thought of a good reason to sum up the whole story of me leaving tour but couldn’t think of anything better than: “had so much on my plate that I couldn’t handle.”

“Well, whatever, you’re coming with me.”

She dragged my arm all the way to the back of the stage. Roadies and staff members were too busy to acknowledge my presence or that I was actually trespassing. I wanted to break away from her grip but I didn’t have the strength or the will power to. Her hand acted like a handcuff that braced my wrist. I was sure that her grip would leave a mark but who was I to complain? At least I was relieving myself of another guilt-filled year of not fulfilling the promises I made to myself.

“I might be able to accept whatever excuse you lay on the table but I seriously doubt that he’ll do the same,” she nodded in his direction.

His eyes drooped as he tried to dry the tears from his eyes using the jersey he was wearing. #1. It suited him well since he was the epitomes of all number ones. Not sure if he was also the most forgiving person in the world but it was worth a shot.

I hesitated and pulled back as Chachi brought me closer to him. Clearly, it was too late now. In a matter of seconds, he was going to see me. He was going to see the face of his used-to-be-best-friend who left him and never bothered to contact him because of some reason he didn’t know. Was I ready to face him though? It’s about time I find out.

Chachi cleared her throat and some of the guys spun around. They were all on the verge of saying “Hey” but stopped midway since they all saw me. Already, I was feeling the heat of 7 pairs of eyes burning holes deep inside my skull. I looked up and bit on my bottom lip to keep myself from crying right in front of them. I don’t know why but if I cried in front of them at that moment, it would seem like I was ready to face defeat. But we weren’t in a battle. I think I was slowly starting to lose it but Lando and JP stopped me from raising the white flag with a bear hug.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Lando screamed in my ear.

I felt paralyzed in their embrace. I seriously didn’t expect them to feel this way – especially not after the way I left things at that one stupid ass tour.

He finally turned around out of curiosity and as he made the 180-degree turn, more tears started to well up from his eyes. He shut them closed and I watched him turn away once more. I felt a pang of pain bang against my heart as he turned away. I looked at the other guys for answers but they were already looking at me with sympathy. They didn’t need to say anything more, really. But before Lando released me from his embrace, he whispered in my ear with a Batman voice, “Please stay behind after our interviews. You owe us that much.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his light-heartedness. In a situation like this, I thought they’d all be down in the dumps but I guess showing that to the camera would deliver the wrong message to everyone watching. It was admirable, really. The way they showed their best smiles just to tell everyone that defeat doesn’t exactly mean the they’ve been beaten (as said by Lando before they walked off the stage).

I watched the guys I’ve known for so long go up to Layla Kayleigh for a post-elimination interview. He really seemed out of it even as he held Layla’s hand. I started to turn away but just as I was about to take a step, Chachi held me in place, giving me this look that if I tried to leave again, they’d call for a search party just to try and find me. I didn’t want to cause any more trouble so I made an about-face and watched them answer questions.

I just wanted to get out of there but his stare kept me in place. I didn’t know what this meant for both of us but I was only hoping for the best.