Without You

I woke up to the familiar sound of the heart monitor beating from my left side. My eyes felt heavy but I forced them to open. I saw the white ceiling and took deep breaths. I exhaled and—wait, why doesn’t anything hurt anymore? I sort of panicked as I looked down at my still body. Something wasn’t right. No matter how much medication I’d had taken to try and immune myself from pain, my lungs still felt pretty tight but everything was so loose now. The air from my lungs came in and out freely now. These weren’t my lungs. My lungs would totally delay my breathing.

I shot straight up and felt a sting from my side. I cringed and tried to see what was wrong. Once I lifted my hospital gown, I saw a big cut that was sewn up to keep the blood from flowing. I grew frantic as soon as I saw the same one on the other side. I started to hyperventilate but even as I did, no more shades of black appeared in my sight. What did this all mean?

The heart monitor seemed to grow ecstatic as my pulse rose to a dangerous height. I had so many questions running through my head. I twisted my body to try and get out of the hospital bed but as soon as I did, the stitches ripped open from my right side and blood started to flow. I screamed out loud as the blood fell on the bed. Two nurses came to aid and asked me to calm down.

“Where’s my mother? WHERE IS SHE? Can I still see her? Is she still here? Answer me please! I’m begging both of you!” I raised my voice at them but they seemed to not hear a thing at all. Maybe it was protocol but can’t they see that I’m in need of some emotional relief too? I just need to know what this all means but they’re too boxed in on the set rules to give me what I want.

A nurse injected some kind of liquid into my IV which flowed into my system in a matter of seconds. My heart rate started to go down and I started to get a little drowsy. I counted down from ten to one but I couldn’t even understand my counting. Before I knew it, I was knocked out.

BRIAN’S POV

I stared at Ashley’s mother as she lay still on her hospital bed. Her body was in a coma. The doctor only kept her this way so that Ashley could see her when she got up. I sat beside her bed and held her hand, remembering exactly everything she’d said. The letter she’d given me to give to Ashley felt heavy in my pocket. I seriously didn’t know how I was gonna break it all down for her. She’s just too fragile. I didn’t want to break her apart even more but it was my responsibility to let her know and to keep her safe.

I promised Mrs. Drake that I’d look after her no matter what. That even if we fought, I’d find a way to make things right even if it was her fault. She told me that as soon as I give Ashley the letter and some time to mourn, I was to tell her that she wanted her body cremated.

The fact that she placed all of this on my shoulders was pretty intense but a promise is a promise. I have to do what I’ve been told. Besides, Mrs. Drake has been very kind to me. She was like my second mother whenever I stopped by their home.

I sighed as I got up and stretched my limbs. It’s been almost a day since the surgery and I haven’t slept at all. I looked at the clock and saw that it was already noontime. My stomach grumbled as I walked out the sliding door. The whole crew was passed out in the ward as they waited for Ashley to get up. Earlier, I heard that she’d gotten up and was hysterical. I didn’t get the chance to see her since the nurses put her out almost immediately to fix her ripped stitches.

These past two days have been such a drag. It didn’t seem this tiring when I was with Ashley the day her father died. Maybe it was because I was with her and I knew that that was the end of it all. I seriously thought that nothing worse could ever occur but I was wrong.

As soon as I walked across the ward, I peeked into Ashley’s room to see if she’d awakened but she was still passed out from the morphine shot. I felt a tap on my shoulder and saw Bam standing right behind me.

“You need to get some sleep,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder.

I shook my head at him. “Nah man, I’ll wait it out until she’s awake,” I said, pertaining to Ashley. “Besides, I need to fuel my tank.” I patted my stomach and he smirked.

“Me too,” Bam said.

With that, we both walked towards the vending machine down the hall. I managed to get a Snickers bar from the vending machine and as soon as I dropped down to get it from the slot, Bam cleared his throat.

I looked up at him and arched an eyebrow. He seemed pretty uncomfortable.

“What’s up?” I started the conversation.

“Uh, I was just wondering… what’s up with you and Veva? I overheard Jawn talking to her yesterday on the phone. The conversation was pretty one-sided but it doesn’t take a genius to tell that something was off,” he said.

“We, uh, sorta broke up.” It was pretty hard for me to admit that since we’d been together for such a long time but somehow, getting that off my chest seemed to relieve me from the mounds of dread I was feeling.

“Sorta?”

“Well, she told me that if I cared too much for Ashley. She couldn’t handle it. I got pissed and she called it off,” I explained in a nut shell.

“That’s it?” Bam seemed pretty surprised. He was one of those who thought we’d actually last forever. I did too.

I nodded as I ripped the wrapper of my bar and bit off a fraction of it. Bam just shrugged as walked back to the ward where the guys were now getting up.

“She up yet?” Lando asked, peeking from one eye.

Bam shook his head and he fell back asleep. I sat right beside Ian who was just about ready to start the day.

“You hangin’ in there, bro?” he asked. I nodded once.

Approximately ten minutes later, the doctor came out from Ashley’s room and told us that she was awake.

“Did you tell her?” I asked the doctor.

“Nope, that’s your job.” And with that, he left us for some other patient.

I breathed out deeply and stood up. I looked to the guys but they told me that I should head in first. I didn’t know what they were scared of but I thanked them internally because I didn’t want them to see me at my weakest.

Ashley watched me enter the room. She was seated in an upright position but she wasn’t all too happy about anything. I can’t believe I’m just gonna walk in here and make her feel worse. I hope she knows that it has to get worse before it gets any better. Then again, her whole life has been stuck on the first part of the sentence.

“Hey,” I said, sitting right beside her. But she didn’t turn her head to face me.

She just stared down at her hands on her lap. Her fingers fiddled with each other. I could tell she was antsy. She always played with her fingers when she was antsy.

“Where is she, Brian?” she asked and suddenly, she didn’t sound like the present-day Ashley. She sounded like the same Ashley in the hospital on the day her father died.

I swallowed hard as I felt around my pocket, wondering if I should give her the letter now or later. It’s just one of those decisions that makes you really think about the consequences. But maybe the latter won’t do me much harm.

“She’s in a coma,” I told her and her eyes darted my way.

“She’s alive?” She sounded so hopeful that at one point, I’d wanted to lie to her so that she wouldn’t be let down.

I shook my head and with that she started to cry. It wasn’t the same silent cry that she used to have. This one was loud as she let all the sadness out of her already broken heart. I stood up from my chair and climbed on the bed so I could hold her. Her body was shaking violently as she tried to push me away. Tears sprung out of my eyes as well. But at least the worst was over.

“W-why d-did you let her do this? I thought you loved me!” she yelled, placing the blame on me.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, hugging her tighter so that she couldn’t let go.

“You were supposed to make her stay Brian, you knew that she deserved it more than I did! Why?” At this point she was beating on my chest but with the kind of strength she had, her blows felt like soft thuds.

“She can’t go, she just can’t! She’s got more to live for, Brian! I didn’t even tell her how sorry I am for everything and now she’ll never know how much I love her and how much I’d give to take it all back to the time when we were still one big family. I never got to thank her, Bri. And I’ll never ever get the chance to ever again. It’s too late. Everything’s ruined. I don’t deserve this.”

I let her take it all out on me as I held her in my arms. Her cries were endless but I listened to each and every word. She needed to know that I could be anything she ever wanted and more. That I was there for her no matter what the cost. She needs me now more than ever and I’m never gonna leave her.