Without You

I ran for the staircase since the elevators were floors away from the floor I was in. I ran down the steps with only one thought wrapped around my head: Man, was I stupid. Obviously he wasn’t over Veva. How could he be? They were together for almost a year or so. I never expected him to break things up with her because of me but it happened. I didn’t make him do it though. Clearly, he has a mind of his own and that mind was stupid enough to try to make things up to her while leading me on.

I stopped as soon as I realized I was on the second floor. I didn’t know how many steps I took but I couldn’t catch my breath anymore. I slipped down the wall right beside the last step and cried my eyes out. I heard a few steps following behind me but I didn’t care anymore. I was too lost in my own head to stop or to want to be caught. Why is everything suddenly spiraling down? I thought I hit rock bottom when I realized I had cancer but now this? It’s not like I’d rather relive my cancerous life but I just couldn’t take this anymore. I can’t just run away again. If not for Brian, I’m staying for all the friends who stuck with me through it all and are helping me stand my ground. I owe it to them to stick around because they’ve done so much for me.

I started to hyperventilate. I tilted my head up as I tried to place air inside my lungs. I felt like such a lost cause. I never expected life to be kind even after the cancer but this is just too much. I loved Brian with all my heart and even though Dan was being nice, I never really pictured myself going anywhere with him. I knew that right when I entered the door to the Den today. I’m not even sure if I’m a moment early or a moment late. It’s just one of those things that makes me wonder if being grateful is something I should be feeling right now.

The steps I heard slowed their pace but they became louder and clearer. My eyes were shut so I didn’t exactly see who it was. When I realized that the person wasn’t going to come any closer, I opened my eyes and squinted as they adjusted to the light. Ian sat on the second to the last step as he leaned his arms on his knees. He looked guilty as his eyes glistened. He was just about ready to cry.

I looked at him and swallowed hard as I tried to slow my breathing. My heart was still thundering from the adrenaline that took over my body as I sped down the steps.

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered to him and he rested his forehead on his forearm, completely burying his face.

I stood up, sat right beside him and rubbed on his back. I didn’t even know why he was crying.

“I should’ve told you but I couldn’t. He made me swear to keep it a secret,” Ian confessed in tears. I scooted in closer and wrapped an arm around him.

“It doesn’t matter now. I mean at least I heard if from him first,” I said, wondering why I wasn’t hysterical over it anymore.

“Please don’t leave us again,” he begged. “We’ve already gone a year without you and then we thought we’d lose you but we’re not. We don’t want you to go just because Brian did something wrong.”

I don’t know how I managed but I gave him a small laugh. Ian seemed like this little boy who wanted something badly from a toy shop so he begged his mom to buy it. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I try to amuse myself at times like this when I need to be dead serious.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I told him and he looked astounded. It was as if the world halted for a second as he processed my decision.

“You mean it?”

“I swear it, ‘lil bro.”

We hugged it out and relief washed over his face. We just sat there in a moment of silence until his phone rang.

“It’s Brian,” he told me as he stared at his phone.

“Answer it,” I said, stretching my limbs.

Ian did as I said and answered his phone. As for me, I took the time to think about what I was supposed to do once we got back up to the Lion’s Den. I didn’t want to forgive Brian but I didn’t want to fight with him either. I didn’t even know if I wanted space. I know I want to be with him but what he did was unbelievable. Torn is what I am right now.

BRIAN’S POV

This whole thing is so messed up. I asked myself a million times how I managed to let it drag on this far but maybe I was just too blindsided by something I really wanted when I already had something worth more at hand. To a great expense, I threw what I had away in hopes that what I wanted could offer something better. The world’s a badass bitch though because it seriously bit me in the ass. Now I’m here on the phone with Ian, asking him to ask her to come back.

“Please tell me she hasn’t left,” I said almost immediately as soon as he picked up.

“You’re a lucky guy.” His voice bounced off the walls and echoed right back into the receiver. There was no doubt that they were either in the staircase or in the parking lot.

“Are you guys heading back in here soon?” I had to ask. I needed to talk to her and explain.

There was a dramatic pause. I think Ian might’ve blocked any sound from coming into the receiver with his hand. This only made me even tenser. What if she refused to see me ever again? What if she’s planning to run away again? How am I supposed to live with myself, knowing that I could’ve done something to make her stay and be happy? I seriously hate myself right now.

It felt like forever before he finally said that they were heading back up. I was going out of my mind. I can’t believe he was able to make her stay.

I paced around my room, thinking about what I had to do to change her mind and make her believe that being with me was something worth her while. She could probably have anyone else out there but I didn’t want her to have anyone else. She had me. No, wait. She has me. She can have every bit of me as long as she’ll be willing to take me in and make me hers.

Five minutes later, I heard my door open. I stopped and I looked at it. Ashley peeked from the other side. Her eyes were blood red. I hurt her again. I bet her mother’s very disappointed in me right now.

I walked up to her as she closed the door. She was startled when she saw that my face was only a few inches away from hers. I smiled a little when she didn’t push me away.

“Forgive me?” I asked, tilting her chin up so we saw each other eye-to-eye.

“Bri, how can you expect me to forgive you this quickly?” she asked in a whisper as she leaned against the door.

I slipped my free hand and entwined my fingers with hers. I grasped her hand tightly and rubbed the back of her hand soothingly with my thumb.
“You know how much I love you,” I whispered. I could tell she was uneasy. It was as if she wanted to give in already just so this could all be over and done with. I knew I was manipulating her but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“Bri, I just can’t with you right now,” she said, untwining our hands.

And right when I thought she was about to forgive me, she made me think otherwise. I felt my heart start to crumble as I tried to take in those words. I mean I sort of expected them but it’s different when you actually hear someone say it and mean it.

She was right about ready to go since she thought I had nothing to say but I took her by the wrist and drew her attention to me, making my last offer.

“Then I’ll wait,” I told her, “I’ll wait no matter how long it takes. No matter how cheesy this might sound to you, my life without you is never full. It’s not even half-empty or half-full because for some reason you’re more than that one-half that can make me whole. Ashley, I would’ve laid down my life for you if your mother hadn’t. That’s how much I love you and I just hope that one day, if not today, you’ll understand that I will always be here for you. I’m not me without you.”

“Then why’d you do it?” she muttered to herself.

“I was in a bad place, Ashley. It’s funny because sometimes I need to lose something before I can fully realize how much it means to me. I’ve already lost you once and I’m not planning to do that again.” I pulled her into a tight hug, not wanting to let her go. “That’s why I’m willing to wait for you. You can take as long as you want. Just please believe me when I say that you’re worth everything that this world has to offer. That if it ever came right down to the line, you’re still the one I’d choose.”

I held her knowing that come tomorrow, I won’t be able to anymore. I couldn’t force her to be with me. I just hope that she doesn’t turn to anyone else.

“I love you, Ashley.”