Without You

I slept in Brian’s bed that night and he slept on the couch. I told him that I’d be fine on my own in my apartment down the street but he refused to let me go out at night alone since it was late.

I woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. My stomach grumbled as soon as I my eyes opened and adjusted to the light coming from the window. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do today but seeing as Brian already got this day started by cooking breakfast, I might as well eat.

I leaned on the kitchen counter and watched Brian flip a pancake like a pro. Once he was done, he stacked them into a neat pile on the plate. He almost dropped the plate full of yummy pancakes at the sight of me just staring at him. He smiled as he placed it right in front of me.

“Good morning,” he greeted. “Hope you’re hungry because there’s more where that came from.”

“Thanks,” was all I said.

He grabbed two plates from the dishwasher and a pair of utensils. He moved casually across the room as if whatever happened last night was but a vivid memory. I wasn’t mad or frustrated with him. I didn’t even want to think about it anymore. Maybe if I forgot about the whole thing, it’d wash itself out of my mind and fade into the light.

Brian and I ate in silence. It was quite awkward, to be honest. I’ve never exactly fought with Brian – at least not like this. As children, we always got along quite well. To see us in non-speaking terms would’ve been impossible. But here we are now, years later, facing the dilemma I thought I’d never have to be in. I mean as much as I’d want to be his friend again, I’m sure he’d disagree because he’d want to be something more than that. I, too, would want that but I don’t think I can trust him with my heart that way. Unless of course, I’m some sadistic son of a gun who thinks the world is against her and is willing to find happiness in the pain she feels. Fortunately, out of all the things that have happened, it hasn’t come to that point and I really do hope that it never will.

Once I was through with breakfast, I thanked Brian once again and told him I was headed to my apartment. I left a note for Jun and Ian and stuck it on their refrigerator so they can see it when they get up.

I don’t think I’ve been to my apartment for over a week but I’ve never been happier to see it. I hate tension – especially inside a room. I’m pretty grateful that my mom thought about buying an apartment here in LA since having no place else to go apart from the Den at a time like this is pretty difficult.

I was just about to head into the bathroom to hit the shower when suddenly my phone started ringing. It was an unknown number but I answered nonetheless. “Hello?”

“Hey, uh, it’s me Dan,” he greeted nervously.

“Hey! What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you would be willing to go to another workshop with me,” he told me ever so sweetly.

I smiled at the thought. Maybe some time with Dan could push all these thoughts of Brian away. It’s not like I want to push him out completely. It’s just… well, I think I just need a break.

“I’d love to,” I told him and all of a sudden, I could hear him smiling through the phone. “Text me the details and I’ll be there.”

“Alright,” he said, “I’ll see you soon.” And with that, both lines went dead.

I placed my phone back on my bedside table and I took a long, relaxing shower. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of relaxation before. It was as if I was in a state of Zen. My mind wasn’t perfectly at ease but it was getting there especially since the warmth of the water felt so soothing against my skin.

About an hour passed before I was ready for the day. I changed into a pair of harem sweats and a Young Lions tank Ian had given to me a year ago. I checked my phone for Dan’s text and saw that the venue was back at mL and my teachers today were Lyle Beniga and Tucker Barkley. I knew these two because I taught with them during a workshop once. Their choreo pieces are just so damn tight. We never got to meet up again though since our schedules were always here and there but at least I’ll get to see them again today at 3 PM. It was still 11 in the morning but for some reason I wanted to get to the studio early.

One thing I probably should’ve thought through was the transportation. I mean, by all means, I could possibly by a car right this instant but I didn’t have the time. So, I called Dan.

“Hey, I just realized I didn’t have a ride to the studio,” I said as soon as he picked up.

“Oh, I can pick you up if you want,” he suggested and I gave him my whole address.

“You sure it’s not out of the way?” I don’t even know why I was making excuses for him but it’s sort of embarrassing to have him pick me up for some reason.

“Yeah, totally,” he answered almost immediately. “We could have lunch if you want. I could pick you up right now and we can eat out.”

Okay, so maybe I sort of expected that but I was sort of rooting for the whole ‘oh okay, never mind’ thing. I guess he must really want me to go with him if he was willing to actually pick me up.

“Uh, yea, or we could just chill in my apartment for a while since it’s still early,” I suggested.

“On my way,” was all he said before hanging up.

I didn’t know why I was getting all jittery but there’s nothing wrong with that, right? I shook off all the other ideas and sat on my couch. I turned the television on as I waited for him. But before I could switch to another channel, I received a text from Jun.

Ian and I both hate you now for leaving early. Notes don’t count as goodbyes. You’ll have to make it up to us soon.

I laughed at the text and called him instead of replying.

“Sorry, it just felt weird being alone with Brian. If you guys had woken up earlier, I would’ve stayed longer!” I said as Jun answered the phone.

“I am not apologizing for oversleeping! This man needs his beauty sleep and there’s nothing you can do about it,” he joked but in a really serious tone.

“And how am I supposed to make it up to you guys?” I asked him while toying with the remote. Nothing good seems to be on.

“You have no plans later, right? So maybe we can crash your place right now. Oh wait, look at the time. We’ve gotta get ready. We’ll be there in 10 minutes.” He hung up on me right after without giving me a chance to speak. I guess I’ll be expecting two other people then.

After I cleaned up my apartment, like clockwork, there was a knock on the door. I opened it without looking at the peephole and saw Dan on the other side, holding a bag from Starbucks.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” I said, mentally smacking my forehead for such a cheesy line.

“Neat,” he said, walking into my apartment and maneuvering his way to my kitchen.

He placed the bag on the counter and grabbed a frappe from inside. He handed me a Strawberries ‘n Cream Frappuccino.

“You really didn’t have to, you know,” I told him, taking the straw the he held on the other hand. “And how did you know that this was my favorite?”

“Lucky guess,” he said grabbing his own Mocha frappe from the bag. “Actually, I sort of searched for it online and landed on your twitter page. It had a picture of you holding one so I figured…I hope that doesn’t freak you out.”

I laughed at his explanation. “I don’t think anyone has ever done this for me so thanks.”

He looked around my apartment but stopped when his eyes landed on my guitar. “Holy shit, is that a Fender?”

I almost spit what I’d already sipped up my straw when he said that. I swallowed hard before nodding his way. “You play?”

“Hells yea,” he cheered as a knock was heard on the door. “Are you expecting anyone else?”

“Yeah, actually,” I said, “Really sorry I didn’t tell you about it. It was sort of a spontaneous decision.”

“It’s cool, don’t worry about it.”

I walked to the door and opened it. I was really expecting just two other people but apparently, they had a plus one, Brian.

I stared at Jun and then at Ian but avoided Brian’s eyes. They both held blank expressions. I let them in without another comment.

Brian walked in first. Once he Dan, he stopped, turned and asked me – in a bitter tone – who he was.

“Oh guys, this is Dan. Dan meet—”

“I know who you guys are,” he said cutting me off, starstrucked.

“Can I talk to you for a sec?” Brian asked me while Ian and Jun went on and talked to Dan.

I didn’t want to cause a scene so I moved his body to the kitchen and shut the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you said you guys were just friends.” Jealousy sparked in his tone.

I blew out a breath, not wanting any drama. “We are just friends. Friends hang out. That’s why he’s here.”

“You couldn’t hang out elsewhere?”

“You’re not even supposed to care. Last I checked, we were never actually together.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to stop caring. I promised your mo—”

“Okay shush! I get it.” I didn’t know why I was so hot-tempered. I paced around the kitchen, trying desperately to calm myself down.

Hot tears drenched my eyes but I willed them to stay inside. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just…” I sighed, “I don’t even know what this is anymore, Brian. I desperately need my best friend back but all he does is get mad at me. Why is it that when everything starts to turn out right for me, it stops right before the climax and drops back down to the ground?” I didn’t even realize I was talking out loud. But once I did, I bit my lip and watched him intently as he sat on the counter watching me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I try my best to make you happy but I end up screwing everything up. I know that what we have right now is unclear but that’s only because you’re shrouding it with questions and doubts.” He hopped down from the counter and reconnected our fingers. Tiny electrical surges flowed through my fingers as he touched me.

“I told you last night and I’m gonna tell you again. Ashley, I love you and no, I’m not saying that because I care for you as a friend. I really, really love you and if you will, please give me another chance.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you guys were having a conversation in here,” Dan said from the doorway, startling both of us. “Look, uh, something came up. But I’ll see you later, alright?” And with that, he left.

What did I do to deserve all of this happening at the same time? Some would call it a case of bad timing but I don’t think it’s bad. I think it’s the worst timing ever.