Without You

Brian was as stunned as I was. Even if I didn’t meet his eyes or see his face, I knew the very expression his face held. A tear found its way down my face. I didn’t even realize I was crying until the drops hit my bare arm. Dr. P saw the expressions on our faces and told us he’d leave the room so we could talk.

“By the way, would you want me to inform the rest of them or will you?” he asked referring to the guys outside in the ward.

“I don’t want to tell them,” I say, letting the tears fall. For some reason, I didn’t want to wipe them away. I didn’t feel like doing anything, actually.

“Do I have your consent?” the doctor asked and I simply nodded.

He left the room without another word. As soon as he did, I turned my head to Brian’s direction. He was silently sobbing with his hands over the back of his neck. His head was bowed down as his whole body shook. Seeing him in that state made me start crying even harder. I didn’t want to have to cause anyone any pain. This is exactly why I kept everything from him. Watching him cry for me because of all the pain he felt right after the news fell from the doctor’s mouth was probably one of the most devastating blows I’ve ever implanted on him. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and if I were to do things my way, I would make sure that happiness would be the sole feeling he’d be able to feel.

Once I had the strength to speak, I called out to him in the softest tone possible. But even as I called his name, I stammered in hesitance and anxiety.

“B-bri-an, I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say anything. He just looked up at and stared as he bit his bottom lip to try and keep more tears from falling down. He shook his head in disbelief and returned to the previous silent hysterical phase he was in.

“Don’t worry, once I’m out of here, I’ll disappear forever—”

His head snapped back up and his eyes narrowed in anger. He was shaking his head. If only I knew what was running through his mind…

“H-how could you think that r-running a-a-away would compensate for all this? How much more selfish can you be? Don’t you see how disappearing will affect me? How am I supposed to know if I’d be able to see you again? How would I know if you were doing fine or if you needed anything – help or assistance or medicine runs because you ran out – or if you’re lying passed out on your floor because you live alone and… and….” He couldn’t even bring himself to finish his rant. I wasn’t up for banter so I kept my mouth shut.

“I knew I shouldn’t have come back,” I muttered to myself, but with the silence of the room, there was no doubt that even Brian would hear the tiniest squeak.

“I j-just can’t deal with this right now.” And with that, he got up and left the room. From the outside, I saw Veva chase after him. I just hope for his sake that she makes him happy. Sadness wasn’t exactly something I wanted to give to him so hopefully with Veva around she can lighten his mood or whatever.

My chest felt a lot tighter. I wasn’t sure if it was because of all the sobbing or because of how much pain I actually felt emotionally. Life is just too messed up for me to tell what I’m truly feeling.

I saw the guys peek through the door. They knew it, too. So one by one, they filed into the room and looked at me with the sort of sympathy that made you feel like a lost puppy.

“I’m really sorry, guys,” I was looking down at my hands as I played with my uncut nails. I didn’t want to look at them anymore even as their stares were shooting straight at me. “I didn’t come back just for you guys to see me like this.” I shook my head in disapproval – I was that disappointed at myself.

I looked up at them but none of them seemed to have anything to say. JP was really getting emotional though just like that last night on ABDC which happened just yesterday. I swear I wanted to hug each and every one of them because they all looked cute when they were sad. But all kidding and laughing aside, my conscience weighed pretty heavily on me knowing that I was the one that caused this sadness that might not be going anywhere anytime soon.

“How bad is it?” Bam asked, breaking the ice.

“I don’t know,” I sniffed. “I probably have to go through a few more tests to know for sure.”

“I meant the pain,” he told me almost too eagerly.

“Oh,” was all I said. I shrugged my shoulders once and let them stay in that position. “My chest tends to feel tight all the time and it gets hard to breathe sometimes.”

“We’ll get through this together – as a family, okay?” Rick said, wiping a tear that went astray.

I tried to smile and nod but I couldn’t handle it. I broke down as I thought about the chances of me surviving all this crap. They all tried to comfort me but I just couldn’t calm down. It actually came to a point where I hyperventilated and everything started spinning around in circles. I knew what I was in for but I desperately tried to stay awake. My body, however, has a mind of its own. I grew unconscious within seconds.

**

BRIAN’S POV

“Babe, calm down, she’s gonna be fine.” Veva told me but I just couldn’t bring myself to trust in those words.

Normally, I’d hope for the best but this is reality we’re talking about here – not some stupid fairytale where everyone’s bound to get a happy ending. I seriously didn’t know what I was supposed to feel anymore. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be mad at Ashley for hiding things from me. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be glad that I was there when the doctor declared her situation and that I was still able to see her before things go crazy. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to feel optimistic after everything that’s happened to me. I just don’t know anymore. If there was an exit button I could click on, I would click it until it would stop functioning. But again, I have to face the facts that life is complicated and that these things probably happen for a reason.

We were on a balcony somewhere overlooking North Hollywood. It would’ve been such a beautiful sight but seeing it from a hospital, knowing that there are patients probably dying and/or hurting, the magic of its beauty dissolves and vanishes into thin air.

“I just can’t believe it,” I said more to myself than to Veva as we leaned on the ledge.

“I know, me too. No one deserves any of that,” she said, rubbing my back.

I was so glad I had Veva with me in this moment. For some reason, she knows exactly just what I need.

“Wanna head back inside and talk to her?” she suggested. I nodded and we reentered the ward which was filled with anxious relatives of several patients. What I didn’t notice, however, were the horrified expressions of the rest of my mates as they stared at the door that accommodated Ashley.

I ran towards them to see exactly what they were looking at. Several nurses and Dr. Preston were trying to revive her airless lungs, trying to get them to work again.

“What happened?!” I asked everyone, startling them.

“She blacked out again,” Lando said through his hands.

I kicked the empty chair right beside Lando. Why couldn’t I be there for her? Why’d I have to be so weak? Who knows how long I still have with her and here I am getting pissed at her for things that I should’ve gotten over.

I was about to run for the door and enter the room when some guy beat me to it. He opened the door but he couldn’t get anywhere close to Ashley. The nurse escorted him out. He was about to throw a tantrum but he noticed that I was eyeing him so he stopped and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s your problem? Can’t a mate check on his girlfriend?” He shook his head and stomped away from me.

Didn’t Ashley say that she broke up with this guy already? Maybe he just didn’t get the message.

I strayed from the multiple questions bubbling inside my head. I didn’t want to have to think about anything else but Ashley getting through all this. Hopefully, this time I get to help her through it.