Without You

ASHLEY’S POV

My eyes slowly started blinking again as several machines filled my lungs up with air. As I regained control over my whole body, I realized that there were actually people in the room. They had accents – British accents. Was I actually back in the UK? Had it all been a dream? Maybe I was stuck in a coma and I imagined everything that transpired over the past few days.

The white ceiling was the first thing I’d focused on. I moved my fingers, balling them to make fists and then stretching them out again to exercise them. I breathed in and out heavily and suddenly, the room fell silent. I tried to get up but my chest felt seriously heavy. It was as if a ton of weight was anchored to my body. I coughed to try and relieve it from the heaviness but it came to no avail. It felt just about the same. I swallowed hard and sighed. Why must life be so hard?

“Ashley?” A familiar accent called out.

I turned my head to the direction of the one who called out to me. I almost spazzed when my eyes processed the face of the man who was now hovering over me.

“Why are you here?” I tried to spit out in anger but all that came out was a hoarse voice with not a lot of emotion.

“Doc called me,” he reasoned but that didn’t exempt him from getting an eye roll.

“GO AWAY.” A shout-whisper was all I could manage.

“Hey, don’t try and push me away. You need me now more than ever,” he said, reaching for my hand which I quickly jerked from his grasp.

Truth is, Max didn’t actually do anything to deserve this kind of treatment. I only made the whole tour thing a super-duper big deal because I was trying to push him away from me. I didn’t want to hold him back or sidetrack him so I thought that maybe if he forgot all about me, it would result to him being more focused on his band. It even came to a point where I wished that he would just cheat on me so I could have a reason to end things with him but it never happened. He was the perfect gentleman and everyone thought that we’d end up getting married and having children with the whole happily ever after thing but such endings never exactly happen – at least not without a plot twist that screws everything up right when things are beyond great.

“I don’t need you.” But as soon as the words fell from my mouth, tears started running down my face.

Max climbed on my hospital bed, placed my head under his left arm and wrapped me in a loving embrace. I wanted to take in the sweet smell of his perfume but I couldn’t since there were tubes stuck in my nose. Moments later, I heard a clearing of throat. I shot up even though it gave me a dizzy spell. Brian was leaning against the door frame. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t in the UK and everything that happened really did.

“Care to explain?” Brian asked as he cocked his eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest.

I raised an eyebrow at him. He only puckered his lips and nodded in Max’s direction in response.

“Brian, this is Max. Max, this is Brian,” I introduced, straying from descriptions.

“And Max is…?” Brian prodded rather suspiciously.

“Her boyfriend,” Max spoke casually, making my head spin a quick 180.

I looked at Brian and then back at Max and could not believe how much tension was in the room. I was waiting for my breathing patterns to change so I could black out again but nothing was happening. I felt perfectly fine – great, in fact.

“Is he bothering you?” Brian asked, walking towards the bed at a slow and steady pace.

“Don’t talk to me as if I’m not here, mate. I can hear every word,” Max retorted.

And then the glare-fest began.

“Guys, can you just cool it for a sec? I am so not in the mood to deal with this shit right now,” I sternly said.

I desperately wanted out of the room but I couldn’t just detach myself from all the wires. Luckily, Dr. Preston came in before either of them can say anything or protest.

“Your test results came in and it seems that your treatment is working just fine,” Dr. Preston mentioned hastily. He hated drama but he was all about drama. Ironic, I know.

“Treatment? What treatment?” How did I not know what these bastards were actually doing something to my body?

“Oooh, I’m guessing you didn’t tell her yet? Burn,” Dr. P said, looking directly at Max. He made a ‘tsss’ sound afterwards.

I looked back at Max but I didn’t have to say anything. Brian was clueless. From where he was standing, he was well ignored.

I can’t believe Max would go behind my back and do all this. I mean, I’m sure he’s only doing it so I can become healthy again but he had no right. But if I wanted someone to make decisions for me, Brian would be ultimate confidant. I mentally bumped Dr. Preston’s and Max’s head together, wishing they would think twice before doing anything. I swear, sometimes, I just wish my mother wasn’t even friends with this doctor because he was seriously annoying.

Since Max didn’t say anything or respond to my raised eyebrows, I looked back at the doctor who had 3 pairs of eyes staring back at him.

“He signed you up for Chemotherapy. It’s a systematic therapy used to kill cancer cells anywhere in the body and it might shrink the size of your tumor which at this point, the size of my fist. Now, your chemotherapy will be delivered in a transfusion. We will be using Carboplatin as an initial treatment,” the doctor informed. I can sort of see why Max didn’t tell me. He was probably sure that I had questions up my sleeve so he waited for the doctor to explain it. “We all know that chemotherapy has a lot of side effects – mainly hair loss, nausea and loss of appetite. So if anything springs up apart from those three that I mentioned, give me a call. But I said, your test results seem to react positively towards the medication so we’ll be continuing it for now.”

My brain processed every word he said at a slow pace. I didn’t exactly know what or who I should be mad at. All I could think about was losing my hair. I didn’t want to lose my hair. I know it sounds selfish but my hair is pretty essential to my life.

“For now, we’ll be performing a test to see if you’re free to go home. So guys, I might need you two to exit the room,” the doctor ordered. Two nurses replaced both Brian and Max and I only hope that for my sake, they keep their claws in their pockets because I don’t want to have them cause a scene in spite of me.

After my mini-exam, the doctor said that I was okay to be discharged but as all procedures go, patients must be brought out using a wheelchair. Brian got to me first so he got to push me out. Only question is though, what happens when I get out of the actual hospital? Where do I go? Who do I stay with?

As soon as we got past the exit, Max kneeled right in front of me. I swear, if Brian gripped the handles any harder, they might’ve snapped.

“The guys and I rented a place down south near the beach. I’m pretty sure they’d be excited to see you,” Max said with all the sincerity of the world.

“The guys are already at the den waiting for you,” Brian countered.

Why was I in such a bad place? What did I do to deserve all this torture? I mean isn’t my sickness enough? Now they have to make me choose between them? What kind of fuckery is this?

Brian told me that he’d go get the car so Max and I could talk. As soon as he was gone, I held nothing back. I poured lies on the line just to get Max to look the other way.

“Look, Max, I know you deserve better and I know that you guys are leaving soon since the band’s on tour. I meant it when I said I don’t want things to go anywhere because I know I’d only end up hurting you and I hope you really try to swallow that no matter how hard it is to comprehend because I don’t know how else I can put it,” I said, sounding senseless.

“Ash—” Max began but I didn’t let him finish.

“Just go, okay?” I think the pain in my chest tripled as I told him what to do. A tear sprung out of my eye and without another word, he was gone from my sight.

Brian pulled up just before another teardrop fell. He helped me up from the wheelchair since I was too out of it. Once I got in the car, I cried my eyes out. Brian didn’t have to ask because he knew I wasn’t okay. I didn’t even know if I was ever going to be okay again.