Without You

Right after our intense little session, we both lay on the bed – my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around me. I wasn’t sure if what I was doing was right and I wasn’t sure if he was thinking at all as well. All I did know was that I was taking in the moment wholeheartedly, daring the consequences to get at me.

Brian stroked my hair as I traced circles on his chest. No words were spoken because there was simply nothing to be said.

I tried to get up but Brian’s lock on me was pretty strong. I stared up at him and he planted a kiss on my lips before he released me.

“You know, at one point, we’re gonna have to talk about this,” I whispered as I stretched my limbs.

“Soon,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me into a hug.

I took in his sweet scent. It’s been the same ever since and I don’t think I’d ever want him to change it. At that point, I realized that I was in pure bliss – that nothing in the world could ever be so audacious to try and stop me. But here comes cancer wrecking all the moments. Why is the world so against me? It’s like I’m forever stuck in that phase of my life where I think that the world is planning some sick sabotage for whatever I did as a child. But I wasn’t a bad child. No, actually I was a pretty well-mannered and polite daughter to my parents. So why now, world? What did I do to deserve all this bullshit?

A knock was heard on the door and it split us both apart. Brian twisted the knob and pulled the door back, revealing Ian and Jun on the other side.

“Your mom called twice through the Den’s landline. I think she wanted to reach your phone,” Ian said, nodding towards my phone which was left charging on Brian’s dock.

I looked at Brian and looked back at my phone. Only then did I realize that my mother probably heard about the news. And she’s probably raving mad because she didn’t hear it from me.

I excused myself from everyone else and moved towards the balcony so I could call her in private. As the phone rang, I stared at the wondrous horizon from the balcony. The sun was all orange as it prepared to set. I wonder what my mother had to say. Hopefully, it wouldn’t ruin the whole feel of the view before me but with my mother, you never really know for sure.

After a few more rings, my mother decided to pick up her phone. I bet she was just staring at the caller ID as her phone buzzed. Maybe she was irritated or maybe she wanted me to feel what she felt when I ignored her calls unintentionally.

“I set you up for a lung transplant,” she said as soon as she answered my call.

I was dumbfounded. What kind of a greeting was that? I blew out the breath that was filling my already aching lungs as I tried to process what she’d just said.

“What?”

“The doctor said that your cancer can be cured through a transplant since it hasn’t exactly spread to any other part aside from both lungs.” She sounded so hopeful. Of course, the doctor would mention these things to her.

After my father died, she became desperate. She spoiled me more than anyone else did. At one point, I even asked if I could stay with her sister just to get away from her ongoing nagging. It was like a 24/7 thing. I mean, maybe for other kids, it would’ve been so cool to have a mother like that who could give you everything you wanted since you were the only child and your father left a rather large amount of money for our family but I didn’t like the idea of being spoiled. I watched too many TV shows and saw how kids usually turned out and I didn’t exactly like the outcome.

“Mom, who would be willing to give me – out of all the sick cancer patients – a pair of healthy lungs? What makes me more deserving?” I tried to talk some sense into her. I knew how these things went. They make you wait forever before they can find a compatible partner and it’s not always a 100% sure fix.

“I already signed the contract. My dear, I have lived long enough to know that this world is not for me and if I had to give you anything else to help you live, I’d give my life. Fortunately, when I took a blood test, the doctor told me that I was the most compatible partner for you. I’ll be heading to California in exactly two days. See you soon.”

“HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?”

By this time tears were streaming down my face. So much anger swam through my veins. If this were my place, I probably would’ve wrecked everything in it. What in heaven’s name made her think that I’d be okay with her decision? That I’d probably be okay without parents. I already lost one due to sickness and now I’m gonna lose another because she wants to become a martyr? What sort of sick twisted world do I live in?

It took me five seconds to realize that she dropped the call. I threw my phone to the side (luckily it didn’t fall out of the balcony) and fell to the ground. I cried and I cried. This was so much worse than rock bottom.

Before I knew it, Brian rushed outside to help me. He probably watched me from the other side of the glass doors.

“What happened?” he said, trying to help me up but I wouldn’t budge. I felt like the ground was where I needed to be.

“I hate my life! I hate my parents! I hate this cancer! I hate how I can’t just live life! I hate it all! I can’t! I just—” My tears choked the words inside me.

I beat the ground with my fist so hard and I just wouldn’t stop. I was never a bratty child but throwing a tantrum in this very moment would probably make up for all the lost time so why not take it?

“Ashley, you have to tell me what’s wrong.” He was patient as he held me tight. He sat on the ground and brought me to his lap but as soon as I realized exactly what he was doing, I stood straight up.

“NO! You can’t do this to me! I’ll only continue to hurt the people I love. I never should’ve come back! I wish I could just go away so that no one will remember all the pain I’ve caused them and all the times they’ve spent with me! I wish that at one point in time, I’d never met you so that you wouldn’t have to go through everything you’d had to because I forced you to. Brian, you can’t love me. You shouldn’t. And you never will – at least the not the way I want you to.”

“What are you gonna do about it? It’s not like you change what’s already here,” he said, getting up and walking over to the ledge. He leaned on it and looked towards the sunset.

“I guess I’ll have to disappear again.”

Brian twisted neck so fast that if he did it even quicker, he’d probably snap it.

“How could you be so selfish? There are people who love you and care for you and you’re taking them for granted!” Brian scolded. I took a step back as I watched anger flare through his eyes. I’d never seen him like this before.

“You don’t get it—”

“No, you don’t get it. For so long, I’ve tried to reason out all this negative aura that you’ve been pouring out on everyone since maybe it’s some side effect of cancer but I don’t think it is. You have people who love you. You have me.” He looked me in the eye but I couldn’t hold his gaze.

“I might have you but guess what? My mom’s planning to exchange my lungs for hers so that I might live and you know what? I think it sucks to have to take away your own mom’s life in exchange for yours. So before you go lecturing me about some messed up shit, maybe you should try to see the world in my shoes. I have nothing to live for, Brian. I might as well be dead!”

“JUST STOP!” he yelled at me. I swear I wanted to slap him across the face but I couldn’t bring myself to it.

I was about to say something else when all of a sudden, Jun and Ian peered through the sliding door’s gap. I didn’t even know that it was open.

“Guys, yelling at one another won’t help anyone,” Jun said but he was looking straight at me. Great, so now I’m the bad guy? Perfect.

My tears seemed to be endless. I literally begged my tears to go away but just like the rest of the world, it was against me too.

“Maybe we should all step inside to cool off a bit?” Ian offered, dragging me back inside before I could say no.

He brought me to the living room and made me sit on the couch. I didn’t deserve friends like this. I didn’t deserve Brian and I didn’t deserve the kind of life I was living. I’m such a hopeless piece of nothing and no one seems to acknowledge that. What a great turn of events. Not in a million years would I ever think that it would all boil down to this.