Along the Horizon.

I manipulate the straps of my purse in my hands as sit in a plush blue chair waiting for my turn to be categorized, grouped, pigeonholed. I already knew what this shrink was going to say though. "Maggie, you seem to be doing exceptionally well after your fathers death? I've seen a lot of kids that have been in the same situation, but none seem to be cope in the way you do."

That's because I'm a kid, at least not now. And I'm not like everyone else because I am me. Margaret Cartwright, a petite girl with wild brown curls and green eyes that are too big for my face. I have freckles on my face that refuse to dissipate even with globs of makeup smeared over my cheeks. I have a small chip on my left K9 tooth that makes it flat instead of coming to a point, I don't show my teeth because of this, it makes my whole body look imbalanced.

"Cartwright, Margaret?" An older black lady with a friendly smile calls my name. I rose silently, slipped my purse over my head and headed to the back of the doctors office.

"So, Maggie. I can call you Maggie right?" I nodded my head. The doctor gives my a reassuring smile. She seems much younger than the older black lady that showed me the way back here, but her smile isn't as friendly. "Maggie you seem to be handling yourself exceptionally well considering the circumstance that we are meeting under. My condolences go out to you and your family."

I smile as if I was actually buying into the text book bullshit she was feeding me. Doctor Holly Richards is the third therapist that I've seen in the last six months. All three of them have started the conversations in the same way. I'm so sorry about what happened to your father. He was an amazing man, I'm sure. They didn't know my father though, not in the way I did. Sure they probably have seen him on billboards or were familiar with his business, they may have known the Steven Cartwright the business man but never the Steven Cartwright the family man.

Steven Cartwright the business man and Steven Cartwright the family man are too different people accompanying the same body. The business man was demanding, forceful and knew how to manipulate people without them knowing it. The family man was patient, understanding and fun. I was probably his biggest fan out of the whole family.

"Maggie, what are you thinking about? You're off in la-la land," Dr. Richards chuckles at her own joke.

"How long do I have to be here?"

My question caught her off guard. "Well, your mother is paying for an hour session."

"Great," I don't try to mask the sarcasm in my voice.

"Why don't you look at this a a growing experience instead of a negative one?"

"Look, I know you went to college and have this degree that makes you certified to be my friend and you probably think you know exactly how to fix me because everyone seems to think I'm broken because I don't cry, but I'm not. Yeah my dad is dead. That sucks, he won't get to see me graduate, walk me down the aisle, bail me out of jail, see his grand kids but crying won't make him see all of that so what is the point?"

Dr. Richards face shows that she is stunned. Her lips are pursed in a thin line and her eyebrows are slightly raised. It is quiet for a moment as she processes this information. Dr. Richards nods her head, bites her lip and the spot between her eyebrows furrows slightly, trying to form words inside her sublime head.

"Okay, that's one way of looking at it. But have you thought about how you have all of these emotions built up that crying could be a form of release?"

I thought what the doctor said over. I didn't have anything to cry out. Inside I was empty. Emotionless, distant, remote on my own little island of nothing. I couldn't afford to have emotions. I had to be strong. Strong for my mother, for my younger brother who is autistic and hasn't said a word since we told him that his father died in the car that I had also been apart of.

"It's been an hour. Can I go?" I was already up from my seat, my purse over my shoulder hanging at my hip.

Holly Richards got up and shook my hand. "I wish you find happiness, Maggie. I really mean that."

I don't know what it was about those words but they cut through me. How could I find happiness after this. I was supposed to die in that accident too. But by some miracle my life was spared and I regained conscience after two emergency surgeries and about 100 stitches later. My father, not so much. He fought though. Three weeks after I was discharged, I was holding his hand and he gripped it for dear life. Though the doctors say it was just a nerve impulse, I took it as a sign that he was getting better. I was hopeful that he was going to get better just like I had. But that was the last time he moved. The doctors advised my mom that she should pull the plug on life support and pray for the best. So that's what she did. We said our goodbyes just like the doctors suggested and we started the waiting game. Seven painful days later Steven Cartwright took his last breath, and faded into the darkness. From that day on I decided that there was no more hope, everything comes to an end. Whether it's good or bad. We enter the world the same and we leave the same. Entering far to naive and leaving before embracing the world.