Fading

I couldn't help but leave the room, the room where Manson was laughing and mumbling away with that fucking Swedish blonde - UGH. Even thinking about it gets me angry, well thinking about him. Tim Skold. I mean it isn't his fault entirely, but, ever since he came on the scene mine and Marilyns friendship was slowly dwindling into nothing. He seemed to bring out the worst in him, the asshole, and now, like moments ago, I was left feeling like the third wheel while them two shared a joke or a story or a certain kind of gaze. It made me sick. But if I reacted I was being immature or a dumb ass, or as Manson mumbled today; "I'm allowed other friends, Jeordie".

He did have other friends, a lot of friends actually, and he did fuck with other people, so did I. I had lost count of the amount of people I had bent over, or opened my legs too or gotten on my knees for. I'd do it, enjoy it and then move on and go back to him. We always went back to each other, that was what is so different with him and with everyone else. I respect him, I love him. But them feelings are fading, the man I know is fading. So many people, strangers, work colleges, ex lovers think he is a heartless dick. He is, sure not all the time, but he can be a horrible, horrible man. None of them know him like I do, I know it is a defence mechanism. He has spent his life building walls up on walls to create that. I'm one of the few people that he brought in. In fact I think I'm the only person he has brought so close.

He can push you back out whenever he wants though, I know that. I've always been on his right side but lately he has been showing me that other person, this complete ass hole, this none loving, none caring thing that demands his own way and steps on everyone to get it. After all these years, I'm the one who had stood by him through everything and I would of thought I would never have to put up with this guy but I do and I have been more and more lately. I had seen flashes of this side to other people, Zim Zum, for instance, even Pogo, John and Ginger. I had always just let him get on with it, like when we where recording Mechanical Animals, his and Pogos roaring arguments would go on for an entire day, he would convince me it was Pogo being Pogo. Which never made much sense to me because that was when Zim was around and Pogo was actually pretty chilled out at that time. Obviously I was oblivious to it being Mansons fault, because my, my feelings, clouded my judgement and have done for a very long time. But as them feelings go, I'm seeing things clearer.

This is all swirling in my head as I make my way from the suite to the elevator and down the long corridor, I pause momentarily outside the room Ginger and John are sharing. I can hear thumps, muffled groans and that unmistakable sound of skin slapping against skin. They where fucking, again. I feel bad for them, I can see how they look at each other - not just the lustful glares. The caring glances, the sweet smiles that they pass. I can't help but think maybe in another life they could of been together, properly been together. Maybe moved into together, gotten married even. But not like this, no way. This captures my attention and I think back and feel odd, something I have been doing a lot lately. I think back to when they first got caught together how Pogo came over ranting about it and we both burst in on them, me jumping on their bed. At the time we both thought it was hilarious, but now I feel so ashamed and guilty. Manson heard Pogos warped version of events and he decided John was a "faggot"(funny that he should use that word considering how me and him can, and have, been) and forced himself on a drunken/drugged Ginger. This lead to more bad treatment of John. I say more because Pogo treated John like shit when he first joined us. I can only reflect on this now because I have time to, I have allowed myself too think about something else besides drugs, drink and Marilyn.

Speaking of Pogo he is actually in bed, snoring softly. I go to the bathroom, I need to wipe all this shit of my face. I feel different, I know I'm different now. But he is different. I don't even want to imagine what he is probably up to now but my mind can't help but wonder as I splash the water to my face and clean away the tons of make up.

I know it shouldn't bother me so much, but it does. Tim was slowly getting more and more involved with us. It was like he was replacing me. I know I may sound like some 12 year old school girl but I am losing my best friend. I think I have lost my best friend. That thought breaks my heart but it is true and one I have to face. Honestly, this isn't even about Tim. The problems have been there for a while but this thing with Skold is just bringing them more to my attention. I can't ignore this any longer. Things aren't like they used to be, I can't just sit there at his side in interviews or music videos, I can't be the cute androgynous bassist any more but mostly, I can't be used. Because I have been, I have been used for both sex and comfort and thrown aside when somebody else comes along and I have put up with it, ignored it even for so so long. It is different now and he can see the change in me too, like last week we where relaxing for a few short minutes we got to when we come of stage. He was sitting on the coach hands behind his head and said; "Twigs, I need head", I was tempted to tell him to go find Skold, but I know that would make me sound stupid so instead I just shrugged. He then laughed and started to tell me to get on my knees, but I cut him off with a no. I seen his expression change to confusion but I just got up and walked out. It might seem like a little thing to do, but that is the start of me standing up to him.

Afterwards he was angry, not directly at me but in one of his infamous bad moods. Something I couldn't deal with. I don't think I can deal with it any longer. Thinking about this whilst laying in this hotel bed is making my head spin. I don't want to have to put up with this any longer, all these feelings; guilt, shame, anger they come from being here. They come from him.